She called me to madness
And I, unquestionably, wholeheartedly;
Body and mind.
– O.D. ©2018
Art by: yuumei
In my last post Binaural, I talked briefly about how difficult I can be to deal with; especially under romance conditions.
Side note: I started a series (in 2014) on this blog dedicated to my search for “the one”, and I titled it CLOUDs; I later ended the series after a few realizations I am about to share with you.
What I was looking for was an image of what I believed to be ideal, an image impossible to match. Yes, love exists, but not in the way I thought I understood it. Reading through the CLOUDs poems in 2018 makes me cringe just a little haha, perhaps because my perspective on relationships has taken a massive shift. Initially, I thought what I wanted was love built on co-dependency; I can’t live without them and they can’t live without me e.t.c. However, reflecting on what I seek now, this view couldn’t be further from the truth.
What I want now, is a partner, strong in her own right regardless of my presence. Perhaps the most important element is high self-esteem/self-confidence with little to no need for validation from anyone. I always liken it to two islands (me and her) somewhat merging into one. So it’s like we are self-sustaining individually but capable of working as a team.
This shift has made me lose quite a few potential love interests who believed what I am looking for as not being love, but me being guarded. I once told a girl that I am capable of love, but I do not lose myself in the process. She protested, saying that if I do not lose myself then I am not truly “All in” (I will let you decide on whether she was right or wrong).
To another, I passively mentioned how If we ever got married I would prefer three beds (one for her, one for me and the last for the lovemaking; yes, euphemism).
“Three beds? but why?” she asked
To which I told her, “For comfort reasons”
I told her that having three beds would mean on those hot, hot nights I could sleep with the coolness of an entire bed without worrying about all the heat my partner would be generating. It would not mean I love her any less, it would mean I prefer comfort at that given time. She was taken aback, rather confused; jokingly called me crazy for even thinking like that. Yes, perhaps I am crazy but when it comes to my beauty sleep; I take no compromises 😀
The point is, you will probably see me write a lot about what happens around me and how I wish to go about things. You will see me write about what I like and don’t like, but at the same time, I know just how difficult I am. The only thing I can say for certain is that I cherish my core values and stick to what I want. Perhaps my idea of love has taken a few adjustments, but I find myself loving the idea of just expressing myself without hesitation. The fact is, it is either we (me and her) get along now, or we don’t; no need to hide behind a veil hoping someone likes me when I know I’m all kinds of complicated.