Succumb.

through_the_days_by_yuumei-d8oxkp1 (2).jpg

She called me to madness

And I, unquestionably, wholeheartedly;

Succumbed,

Body and mind.

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

Art by: yuumei

 

In my last post Binaural, I talked briefly about how difficult I can be to deal with; especially under romance conditions. 

Side note: I started a series (in 2014) on this blog dedicated to my search for “the one”, and I titled it CLOUDs; I later ended the series after a few realizations I am about to share with you.

What I was looking for was an image of what I believed to be ideal, an image impossible to match. Yes, love exists, but not in the way I thought I understood it. Reading through the CLOUDs poems in 2018 makes me cringe just a little haha, perhaps because my perspective on relationships has taken a massive shift. Initially, I thought what I wanted was love built on co-dependency; I can’t live without them and they can’t live without me e.t.c. However, reflecting on what I seek now, this view couldn’t be further from the truth.

What I want now, is a partner, strong in her own right regardless of my presence. Perhaps the most important element is high self-esteem/self-confidence with little to no need for validation from anyone. I always liken it to two islands (me and her) somewhat merging into one. So it’s like we are self-sustaining individually but capable of working as a team. 

This shift has made me lose quite a few potential love interests who believed what I am looking for as not being love, but me being guarded. I once told a girl that I am capable of love, but I do not lose myself in the process. She protested, saying that if I do not lose myself then I am not truly “All in” (I will let you decide on whether she was right or wrong).

To another, I passively mentioned how If we ever got married I would prefer three beds (one for her, one for me and the last for the lovemaking; yes, euphemism).

“Three beds? but why?” she asked

To which I told her, “For comfort reasons”

I told her that having three beds would mean on those hot, hot nights I could sleep with the coolness of an entire bed without worrying about all the heat my partner would be generating. It would not mean I love her any less, it would mean I prefer comfort at that given time. She was taken aback, rather confused; jokingly called me crazy for even thinking like that. Yes, perhaps I am crazy but when it comes to my beauty sleep; I take no compromises 😀

The point is, you will probably see me write a lot about what happens around me and how I wish to go about things. You will see me write about what I like and don’t like, but at the same time, I know just how difficult I am. The only thing I can say for certain is that I cherish my core values and stick to what I want. Perhaps my idea of love has taken a few adjustments, but I find myself loving the idea of just expressing myself without hesitation. The fact is, it is either we (me and her) get along now, or we don’t; no need to hide behind a veil hoping someone likes me when I know I’m all kinds of complicated.

 

 

3 Replies to “Succumb.”

  1. Relationships. They are a journey. A strong and independent woman will always be interesting, in more ways than one, but may not be the easiest person to live with ( just ask my husband or my daughter’s fiance). A long term relationship goes through many different stages and sometimes one person needs support and the other will be the caregiver. Next time the roles are reversed. Give–take. Compromise. But in the long run after years together it is wonderful to have a partner to grow old with. Enough from me!

    1. Thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom Anne. I am always thankful to have you read my work and give such sound advice 🙂 perhaps I have a little more learning to do about love still. In fact, I believe there is no end to this learninng process 😂

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