Pseudomutuality and Disillusionment.

A Good Day For An Exorcism

Soul Tired

A Part Of Me Died? Absolutely.

My Homework Ate My Dog. Wait.

I almost hesitated pressing publish

My Cat Is Walking On My Keyboard

I feel like I’m writing this in a trance. Like I’m on auto pilot, and everything I’m saying — despite my best attempts to steer in any other direction — will keep going through a finite-state machine.

“You’re being dramatic” someone says.

“Perhaps. Or maybe you just lack imagination”

No-one forces anyone to be here. Reading this means you consent to reading whatever I’m about to say. And if you didn’t know, now you do.

I’ve said it once, but it seems I have to say it again — I’m not trying to save the world. I’m not the harbinger of peace. I’m not an ambitious, closeted, self-titled messiah.

If you (only) come here for good news and hope peddling — you’re in the wrong place.  I don’t see myself as a pillar — or some kind of motivational speaker.

However, if you come here for someone who is uncompromisingly themselves; real with the good and the bad? You’re in the right place. Chances are, you and I will either get along or we won’t, maybe not so binary — but at the very least you’ll know what you’re getting to.

Sure, I’ll agree that followers are a nice gig, but I won’t kiss a** in an attempt to get more of them, and you can be sure that I won’t bend in a bid to win you over either. Counter-intuitive to the growth of this platform? Yes. Absolutely. I’m willing to let many things pass me by; but not my authenticity.

I am a person who goes through every single emotion with clinical deliberation. This includes the “bad” emotions. I want good vibes, believe me, I do. But I won’t pretend I’m feeling good. I won’t intentionally hurt anyone to feel better; but I won’t curb my expression on behalf of anyone. It’s a delicate dance, but I still take part.

Do you know how many people get offended by things you wouldn’t believe offend anyone? You can offend someone for simply using gender pronouns in a hypothetical situation; not an actual situation. “Why did you choose to use a he and not a she in your example?” and so on.

There’s no way I can say any of this without it turning into a series of justifications for my actions. An act that would leave me feeling like I’m taking ten steps back on behalf of others. If you don’t like what I say — Good. I appreciate the honesty, and quite frankly I’d like to believe everything in your world is perfect now — you can find what you want elsewhere; many talented people here. In fact, you’ll find people who take on the 24/7 positivity mantle. I’m just not one of them.

Now that all the housekeeping is out of the way….

Emotions… feelings… despite having mentioned them, I’ve been numb to both for a while now. I’ve been having a hard time feeling something for/about anything. In the short-term, I don’t necessarily consider my current state to be a positive, but it does help me be more rational in my decision making. Why am I numb? Well, I’ve been handling a lot of personal issues and others far outside my control. Job security, family, visa complications… everything has become one weird amalgamate that’s dispersing unseen pressure. 

But for some people, that’s hard to believe, because my stoic nature doesn’t give that off. And what’s left for those with plenty of time on their hands? Suppositions and assumptions. My story will only mean something when I join in on the collective suffering; when I make my suffering a little more transparent so people can see and acknowledge it. 

“You don’t complain every single time we talk. You don’t share a detailed outline of your feelings the same way I do? Well that must mean you don’t care. Because the way I express myself happens to be the benchmark. And if you can’t express the way I do, or in a manner that I understand, there is something clearly wrong with you” — perhaps they are not as malicious in their thoughts as I’m presenting, but that’s how they sound to me.

I have plenty of love and empathy. I just grew tired of choosing to give it to the wrong people — people who expected my love and empathy for breakfast.

I grew tired of blaming others for how I felt instead of myself. Expecting people to fix me, expecting people to have answers to my problems. This applies in reverse, I don’t like it when people expect me to have answers on how to fix their life. I don’t like it when people come to me to have a good day and blame me for not being as jovial as I was the other day. 

Think about it — if you’re coming to me so I cheer you up… who is cheering me up? Certainly not you. But you never thought about that, did you? It’s fun siphoning other peoples’ energy, brain muscle conditioned to guzzle fun juice and not much else. No one is doing my job for me and believe me I’m not searching.

I’ve been in enough relationships with people that take on some martyr complex just so they can sate their curiosity. Lending an ear on surface level just to see how your gears work. Some sick neurotic need to feel like they are in the know, simply for the sake of their ego, and not because they care. Disinterested with the monotony of your struggle; only caring about the juicy bits so that their day gets a little better.

“You can count on me, that’s what I’m here for. To listen to everything” and perhaps somewhere deep down you think you mean it. But you don’t actually mean it, do you? It only sounds good to the ears of those that follow words and not actions.

Perhaps I obsess over language and its application. Knowing that if someone says they are willing to listen to everything; they mean everything. But not everyone knows what they are actually saying. Not everyone combs through every single word they are about to say — most act on impulse and think about the consequences later. Pavlov dogging their way to the next hit of narcissistic supply or whatever else they need to keep themselves sustained.

But I don’t have time to be vulnerable and cater to peoples’ impulses because I KNOW my issues are going to become too much. I know this for certain, because I can (at times) feel my bitterness and anger fester. I write to try and sort my mess. Taking that pain — apply it in my writing in some juvenile attempt to give it value. Sadistic repurposing of my pain, because some part of me refuses to believe it was all for nothing. I tell people not to worry about what’s bothering me because even I (the owner) can’t handle it. How can I expect you to?

You’re just curious. You don’t care. And it’s not your fault; people are engineered that way. 

I find romance hard because I’ve come to accept that if it’s going to work. I have to hold back. It’s the “healthy” thing to do. But that little distinction makes relationships useless to me. Why would I pair up with someone only to hold back on how I’m feeling out of fear of them leaving? It doesn’t work for me — how is that different from being alone?

I’ve given relationships enough chances and perhaps I’ve manifested some self-fulfilling prophecies by always expecting the worst. Sharing every little piece of me is impractical, because everyone has a line they deem “too much”. I just find it tedious having to continuously re-adjust what’s too much and what isn’t. I marked my own line and I stick by it.

Being completely honest with someone — and I mean completely — to me, bears the equivalent of jumping off a canyon; face planting; standing up and then writing a dissertation with a play by play of my experience as I fell down; perhaps evoking the sound I heard right as I hit the ground.

Was that dark? Yes. Yes, that was dark. And not for the sake of it; I’m a writer who just happens to be vivid with their expressions. 

But the standing question is, if that bothers you so much; what are you still doing here?

 

– O.D. ©2021 

 

Art by: AaronGriffinArt 

 

Forever, In Mayfly Years.

You could spend years building a li(f)e

— lose it all in one second.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  AaronGriffinArt

There are many deaths. It’s up to you to decide the one that speaks to you.

A Series Of Unpopular Opinions (10)

A series of unpopular opinions. Share a thought, no matter how crazy or critique the ones other people have chosen to share. The point is to have fun provided we all keep an open mind and respect each others views. Healthy debates are welcome, extended discussions even more so.

<< Held (almost) every Friday >>

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falling_star_by_snatti89_dc392e7-fullview

I shared three unpopular opinions in the last post. Thank you to those that participated.

Unpopular opinion #1 Being good at math doesn’t make you smarter than other people. It just means you’re good at math. by u/alcoholyuhlater

Response(s):

Paula Light  “Agree. People have their niches. Someone might be really good with tools and fixing/building things, but know little of history and literature. Vice versa for another. We should celebrate all skills and forms of knowledge instead of only the ones that the SAT can judge”

rugby843 “Agreed, people have individual talents and should use them to their best advantage”

Anne leueen “#1. YES! I was hopeless at Math and a good student in other subjects. Math is a subject you can get 100 % in . History? English? Philosophy? No 100% in those subjects. I worked in the financial markets for many years and people would always say “you must have been good in Math”. HaHA! If they only knew!”

Zaexanthe “1.For so long Math and speaking good English have been used as a sign of intelligence. In as much as math is important, its becoming irrelevant because everyone has a calculator. Our education system worldwide is now outdated. It was built on who can memorize the most but thats unnecessary now, we have information at the tip of our fingers. Intelligence is more than book smart, it includes so many other things. Whats the point of being good at math if you are not socially intelligent.”

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Unpopular opinion #2 Kids aren’t dumb so start treating them like the individual they are by u/Delusionaldally

Response(s):

Paula Light  “Yes, treat children respectfully. That mom needs to be educated too though before she harms her child with poor nutrition and self-image”

rugby843 “Children are just little people and understand more than we know.  Respect that and act accordingly.  Ramen noodles are extremely bad for anyone, easy and cheap yes, but not for a good diet.” 

Anne leueen “#2 Kids are unique individuals and I NEVER talked to either of my kids as if they were lacking in intelligence. I also referred to myself as I and not “Mummee ” As in “Mummee wants you to put your toys away now. Mummee is getting dinner for you snookums”. Nope it was “Time to put your toys away now Tom and Annie. Lets get cleared up and ready for dinner.” “

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Unpopular opinion #3 Influencers are bad for society, and they should be stopped. by u/Efren_John

Response(s):

Paula Light “I don’t even understand the influencer thing, maybe because I don’t use Instagram. Are companies really paying minor celebs to put their product in a photo? Who cares!”

rugby843 “If you let your child watch or use this type of technology constantly you are doing them a disservice.  Teach by example”

Zaexanthe “Influencer culture is the worst disease that has hit our generation. People are being rewarded for being lazy, stupid and just useless. Since everyone is an influencer now what will our future be like?”

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Thanks to Paula Light , rugby843 , Anne leueen and Zaexanthe for participating and sharing their thoughts. Very much appreciated.

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dc54dhc-688cf98c-0707-460e-8686-10a066e9afe2

As for today’s unpopular opinion(s) We have three. Check them out:

(Note: These opinions are in no way reflective of my personal views or biases; just ones I think will spark interesting dialogue in the comment section) 

Unpopular opinion #1 Stop acting like depression is cool. by u/Uxogh

I’ve been under depression for several years. I attempted 3 times to end my life and the only result nowadays is a constant anxiety against myself.. I have trust issues and I barely even sleep correctly at night.

 

Netflix and other Medias have to stop acting like it’s something great and important for teenage boy/girl. I truly think a character doesn’t have to be depressed to be a deep character.

 
 
Unpopular opinion #2 Ignoring a phonecall or text message is not rude , it is a necessity for a healthy lifestyle. by u/HibiscusRosa
 
Because I own a smartphone it doesn’t mean that I want to be available all day. Personally I
set my boundries, during lunch/dinner and from 15h00-17h00 which is my personal time to workout and relax I never answer any phonecalls or messages. With messages I am even stricter and I answer them only when I find time to spare. If I replied to every message or email right away, it would absorb a significant amount of my precious time and I would have to use my phone more than I would like.
 
 
 

Unpopular opinion #3 Dating coaches are ridiculous by u/CharlesElliotFiddler

I saw on instagram the other day that this one girl I know was promoting her friend’s “dating coach services”. I laughed. Is that even real?

I looked it up and there are a ton of ‘professional services’ for people looking to improve their dating life. I swear to god I never saw something more ridiculous than this. People actually pay money for this.

This is something more popular in the US, Canada, and UK. When I was in Scandinavia and Panama, you didn’t really see things like that. Similarly in Ireland too. It’s not as common there.

In Wyoming and Alaska, it’s not that popular either, but in many places in the US it is.

Unpopular opinion #4 Women who dress certain ways for modesty reasons are empowering in their own way. by u/thishams

I don’t believe in controlling women, and how they dress, but being half Middle Eastern, I have a lot of female relatives who wear hijabs and keep themselves covered for modesty reasons.

I live in the US, and my relatives are in no way forced to dress this way. They aren’t even practicing religion.

I just find it so empowering how they choose to dress this way because it makes them feel better about themselves.

I’m not trying to slut shame, or say that women who dress differently aren’t empowering either, I just think that women who dress certain ways for modesty reasons are empowering in their own way.

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– O.D. ©2020

Art by: snatti89

 

No Excuses.

I did not form my inner world to stay out of touch with reality

On the contrary,

I formed my inner world because I’m in touch with reality

And in all honesty?

To me, reality, is quite simply …

Underwhelming.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: AaronGriffinArt

Use what you find around me however you please; but don’t tell me how to use my mind. Think. Reflect. Because you might not even know where to find yours. 

Leaky Encroach.

You’re not telling me who I am,

You’re not telling me who I could be,

You’re not showing me a world I don’t already see

You’re not who I imagine when I see a leader in front of me;

No, honey,

You’re late.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: Astri-Lohne

I don’t endorse smoking. But if that’s your thing, don’t mind me.

A Series Of Unpopular Opinions (9)

A series of unpopular opinions. Share a thought, no matter how crazy or critique the ones other people have chosen to share. The point is to have fun provided we all keep an open mind and respect each others views. Healthy debates are welcome, extended discussions even more so.

<< Held (almost) every Friday >>

*******************************************************

sunset_by_snatti89_dbd9bjd-fullview

I shared five unpopular opinions in the last post. Thank you to those that participated.

Unpopular opinion #1 Hate towards the homeless is one of the biggest problems that goes vastly unnoticed by u/-kiwi-1

Response(s):

 rugby843  “In my opinion, most of these I would say are ridiculous except for the first one. You don’t need to be rude or use disgusting behavior to a homeless person. It might be you some day”

Infinite Living “The treatment of the homeless is totally inappropriate. I didn’t think about it before but I agree with you on number 3 🙂

anne leueen  “The homeless. I was always nervous of homeless people. I didn’t hate them I was just very uncomfortable. Then I read James Bowen’s autobiographical story :”A Streetcat Named Bob.” This is a true story of a recovering addict and a stray street cat and how they save each other. It opened my eyes to what the homeless life is like. Now I often will stop to chat for a moment and see if they would like something to eat.”

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Unpopular opinion #5 Women should be allowed to take a sick day on the first day of their period every month, if they need to, without consequences by u/lemonpaloma

Response(s):

Infinite Living “I don’t know if it is required to specify that I am a woman on the first day of period. I would rather simply take a sick leave because I am sick just like any other human feels sick someday and prioritize self-care. I am assuming there are monthly sick leaves allotted in most jobs, I don’t work for anyone”

Thanks to Anne leueen , Infinite Living and rugby843 for participating and sharing their thoughts. Very much appreciated.

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falling_star_by_snatti89_dc392e7-fullview

As for today’s unpopular opinion(s) We have three. Check them out:

(Note: These opinions are in no way reflective of my personal views or biases; just ones I think will spark interesting dialogue in the comment section) 

Unpopular opinion #1 Being good at math doesn’t make you smarter than other people. It just means you’re good at math. by u/alcoholyuhlater

Society has such a hard-on for STEM but I don’t think it makes someone smarter just because they did well in one of those subjects in school. Like someone being good at writing/art should be looked at the same as someone being good at math/biology/physics etc.

Unpopular opinion #2 Kids aren’t dumb so start treating them like the individual they are by u/Delusionaldally

I work in childcare and it amazes me when I speak to others they look down on kids thinking they can’t understand basic things. For example, I took care of and tutored a now three year old. The mother has weight insecurities so she barely feeds her kid. Only ramen noodles and juice. When the kid is with me I feed her properly, the mom flipped out and told the daughter not to accept food from me in the future. The two year asked why and she said “because you’ll get fat like me” the little girl apparently said “but teacher eats more than you and she’s not fat” and she flipped out on the kid. The kid was genuinely confused so I sat her down and talked to her about how fat is stored, unhealthy eating habits etc. I was still talking to a toddler so I made sure to explain it in terms she would understand.

Another instance my cousins were playing and I heard my female cousin tell her brother that he’s acting gay in a taunting way. I asked if they they what it means. “No, but I know it’s bad”. I explained what gay means to them. I’m from a largely Christian family and afterwards they said, “but gay is not bad”. I did not influence their opinion at all! All I did was explain the actual word and they were able to reach that conclusion themselves. Same with the girl from before, I never bad mouth her mother at all. I just told her how the body stores fat, the benefits of a healthy balanced diet etc.

I talk to children like they’re people. I know they can critically think for themselves given the right information and everyone needs to start doing so. Ask them questions, answer their questions and talk to them like you would any one else.

 

Unpopular opinion #3 Influencers are bad for society, and they should be stopped. by u/Efren_John

Fuck Influencers.

We don’t need the youth being influenced by these dumbnarcissisticmillennials/GenZ, getting rich and famous, for being stupid, doing bullshit pranks, playing video games all day, and showing their ass & tits for views.

We need to stop awarding these influencers, or giving them a pass. It’s tiny things that can create big impacts.

Young people are dedicating a lot of time watching these types of people. They need to held in check. Held accountable.

 
 

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: snatti89

The Facet Extinction.

I wake up — every, single, day. 

To hunt — kill, my ego for sport 

It’s a high stakes game, painstakingly rediscovering

My tentative view of satori.

An endless — pathless journey.

 

Irony: Chiseling a statue to my humility

My humility, Stems from the need —

To preserve my soul’s integrity

Not for people — It has never been about them

And If I’m being completely honest

If you hadn’t mentioned it right now

I would have never noticed they were there.

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by: AaronGriffinArt

An Eye For Ghosts.

Sex, relationships,

The ceremonial life strand splice?

All nice; I guess,

But, much like sky-diving for fun

— It’s not for everyone.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: gromwulf

Relish Hellish Greenish Tinge

I won’t lie and claim to know what hell is like

But, If I was to hazard a guess? I would have to say:

Marrying a narcissist may quite literally be the easiest way

To gain a decent amount of perspective.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: AngelGanev

Sky Surface.

I’ve been told I sling ink with the unrelenting fervor of a fiend

My pen skates paper,  friction sparks flame

Levitating fumes — Slowly. Deliberately, coalescing

Eventually marking the sky with intermittent smoke signals;

High or low — as far as you assume you may be,

Sooner or later you’ll start to see

That if you’ve been looking for a soul that burns much like mine

Every other place you’ve looked will continue to be the wrong place,

There’s only one soul that bears my likeness. You’ve already found it.

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by: Aenami