Love After Dawn.

Another break from Spoken Word and Poetry. We haven’t talked like this in a while.

 

Following up on my post from yesterday I’m going to explore some of the reasons why I don’t pursue romance — or children. Despite previously being an avid supporter of romance, it wasn’t heart-break that stopped me from pursuing. It was, in fact my pursuit that stopped me. It was getting ridiculous.

 

My personal interpretation of love far surpasses anything found in reality. Of course it does, have you looked around lately? You’ve got people entering relationships with wildly different values and only figuring each other out years later ….then claiming the other person “changed”. No one changed, few people show who they are until they are certain you’re not going anywhere. People don’t change, their priorities do and you’re probably not one of those priorities anymore.

 

I was born in a generation that valued tradition and all the gimmicky lovey-dovey stuff. Grew up believing in “the one” which is obviously an illusion depending on how you view romantic relationships. And even though I’m relatively young, I feel like a dinosaur because I don’t see how I fit in the modern dating scene and all it’s rules. It’s become so dogmatic.

 

See, I’m not the type of person who goes on a date with someone to “gauge where we stand” or to see if I actually like them. I’m the type of person who commits to action and conscious decision making. If I’ve decided to go on a date with you, I obviously like you. That’s what a date is to me.

Believe me, If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t be going on that date. But the modern dating scene allows people to opt out even after a single date. As they should, it’s their choice. Just like it’s my choice to not be a part of that circus.

 

My capacity for feeling is not something I can easily navigate and mold to be so free-form. I suppose the easiest way I can put this is… when it comes to romance, I’m the all-in or nothing kind of romantic partner. But that only applied when I was still searching.

 

But that’s just one thing, there are many other things I can’t handle in romance …

 

Gender roles (at least in my culture) just completely drain me. I remember one of the break-ups I had was over an ex saying I wasn’t doing enough. That I wasn’t ambitious and shooting high enough…

 

Okay, let’s decipher this …

 

Within the span of our relationship I had moved to a foreign country in pursuit of work.  I was earning more than I had ever done in my entire life — sending her money when I could –and in the meantime she was busy complaining and failing her degree. Listen, I’m not saying failing makes you a complete disaster, what I AM saying is if you know you’re contributing nothing to a relationship apart from simply existing; have the decency to open your eyes before making a fool of yourself.

 

The gall to say I’m not doing enough when they were doing nothing but watching me progress from the sidelines. I’m not the most gifted mathematician, but I know her abacus was tracking bad numbers. She expected me, as the man, to save her… to earn enough so she sits pretty while I bust my a**. No thanks honey. That’s not chivalry, that’s being an idiot — or, according to the urban dictionary. A Simp. 

I don’t usually judge. But when someone is so brazen to call me out when I’m doing my best… tsk

These are the gender roles I’m talking about. Being expected to do something because you’re a man or a woman. I preferred  partnerships, working as a team; but even that wasn’t enough. I broke it off cause I wasn’t having none of that sh*t. For crying out loud, some of these people didn’t even know what they want.

“Good guys finish last” because they think it’s their job to wait lol that waiting makes them honorable or something. Yeah, have fun with that.  

 

The fact that when I meet someone new I have to prepare myself for yet another theme park of distractions and misadventures hardly gets me excited. Everyone is scarred in some way and I honestly just wince, thinking about how much baggage I have yet to uncover. But that’s it for romance, I’m not trying to convince people of my worldview. I just value precision and that sometimes gets in the way of everything.

 

As for children. lol

Children, children, children …

If I’m being completely honest (and I have to be, because I’m all about that authenticity) I’m 80% sure I don’t want to have kids. The remaining 20% is reserved for a future that remains uncertain. There are far too many likely variables for me to hammer the gavel here.

 

I’ve always been of the belief that If you have kids, you have to love them with every single thing you have, otherwise you’ve failed. That means forgetting who you even are and sacrificing your time to give that child your attention.  In my case, that would mean my writing, who I am. I’m not ready to make such a sacrifice nor do I see myself doing that without feeling like I’ve lost something.

 

The kid (if I ever decide to have one) never asked to be born; it would be my job to keep that kid happy, I’m not entitled to their respect. Currently, I’d probably push the percentage of wanting kids to 0% because I’m not thinking about having a child during a damn pandemic. But that’s a topic for another day…

 

You know… I hear testimonies of ladies saying they look for particular qualities and genes (in men) they wish to have children with. It may come as surprise to some ladies but — some men also want kids with a lady that carries specific qualities. And I don’t mean to be an a** when I say this but… no lady I’ve met even remotely compels me to want kids with them. 

 

And that’s mostly because my ideal relationship is so fictional. No one could ever compare or come close to it. As such, I won’t allow myself to settle. I’ll pull my hair out of boredom and resentment. People are fundamentally boring when we get down to the brass tacks. I’d rather save myself and the other person the misery of discovering what I’ve already discovered before.

 

That said, I love seeing people in love. I love seeing TV shows that have romance (like Outlander). I think love is beautiful, and it should most certainly persist. I just don’t have the patience for it. I love those I call friends, and I can appreciate beauty but now I passively have an ascetic quality to romance. 

 

Ending on somewhat of a high note: I believe love is about finding someone whose baggage and annoying traits are easy for you to live with. Honestly? I think anyone who can hold a marriage is gifted in ways I have yet to understand. 

See you in the comments (?)

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by:  CamilleNat

 

Looking Forward To Yesterday.

I haven’t posted in a while. It’s probably been one week — but by the end of it, I practically felt naked. I’ve been posting consistently every week for a while now but — last week, I just didn’t feel like it. 

It probably has to do with how I’ve started ghost writing. Capturing peoples’ voices is a tad bit exhausting (but it’s good practice though). Posting here started to remind me of work, so I had to take a step back before building resentment.

There’s a thought that’s been at the forefront of my mind lately.

“If something was to happen to me, how would all my readers know I’m not coming back”

In fact, I’ve thought of this question before (2015) but I didn’t dwell on it. My girlfriend at the time had insisted I give her my password lol in hindsight, not giving her was a good idea. 

One of my students asked me why I don’t want to get married and have kids. I told her “It’s not for me”.

She almost teared up worried, saying “people are not made to be alone in this world”.

I agreed. And reminded her that I wasn’t alone, after-all “I have all of my students”.

She persisted, saying “Yes. we’re here. But what if you ever get sick, or get injured, who will take care of you? Or when you get older, who will be there for you?”

“I don’t know. But I won’t have kids because of that” pause “When it’s time to go, It’s time to go. Let’s enjoy the time we have together. Because these are the good ol’ days”

My students called me stubborn lol they are sweet. I asked them to invite me to their weddings and they said they would.

Dear reader, truth is I don’t see myself giving anyone access to this account. Not in the near future at least. I don’t know what the future holds.

What I can say with full certainty is that if you see me absent from this blog for an entire year. Well, best to assume I’m not coming back. I’ve been doing this for so long that I literally feel weird when I haven’t said anything here. It’s obviously not some kind of moral obligation that drives me to come back; I just enjoy this, and I definitely don’t see my life moving without it.

Despite everything I’ve said, this is also an appreciation post to everyone who has read my work and listened to my Spoken Word poetry. To those that stayed open minded and didn’t judge, those who were kind and willing to talk despite having no incentive to do so. 

Thank you.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: W33DZO

Poiesis.

(Spoken Word) I won’t lie, I’m enjoying doing these.  I might occasionally post written poems. It’s good to change things up every once in a while.

 

Adjust your volume and use earphones.

 

Did you enjoy this?

You can find more of my Spoken Word here

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by:  Kanamm

Instrumentals: Pandaraps

I Would Rather …

… Talk to a lady of the night than engage with anyone from any profession. And before anyone asks, I haven’t used their services, but I have talked to one of them (at least that I know of). I think ladies of the night are some of the smartest and acutely aware people on the planet — stuck doing what they have to, to survive. 

It would surprise others to find out that not all of these ladies are forced to do what they do. Some are actually proud of their work and prefer things to stay as they are. I was at a bar with some [redacted] and they thought it would be funny to pay one of these ladies to come and offer their services to me. She came over and sat beside me by the counter. After explaining to her that I didn’t have any plans to sleep with her — she seemed relieved saying “Good. Because you don’t look like the type”

I talked for an hour with this lady. At first skeptical, thinking it’s a long con of some kind but… she was cool. She had a boyfriend who knew of her profession and he even encouraged her to continue pursuing it. A kink, I thought.

She told me about how men and women are all stupid (I agreed). Talking about all the things she had seen — and who was I to argue? I’m sure she’s seen a lot of things. Not only sexual — but pretty much the degenerative side to all relationship dynamics imaginable. Husbands cheating on their wives and wives exploring their sexuality while their husbands are out of town. It was a crazy conversation.

We talked for an hour and yet it felt like a few minutes. I had so many questions to ask but I never really got to them. 

Who knows. Maybe one day I’ll pay for a conversation — it’s rather refreshing to hear someone be so raw in their interpretation of the world around them.  I don’t know why I thought to share this story. I just thought it was interesting.

– O.D. ©2021

Project +

(Spoken Word)

Use earphones.

You can find more of my Spoken Word here

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  escume

Instrumentals: Matt Large

The Identity Caper.

(Spoken Word) 

Use earphones.

You can find more of my Spoken Word here

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  BillyNunez

070 Shake – Modus Vivendi (Review)

Modus Vivendi:

An arrangement or agreement allowing conflicting parties to coexist peacefully, either indefinitely or until a final settlement is reached.
 
“the two states have with difficulty reached a modus vivendi, though hardly friendship”
 
a way of living.
 
“the Christian faith and its implications for a modus vivendi”

No, I didn’t get paid to do an amateur review of this album. Would’ve been nice though lol I’m doing this because I loved listening to it and would like to share my personal thoughts.

I had never really followed much of 070’s work before this point but I’m glad I got introduced to her.

Modus Vivendi is her debut album (14 songs) with Mike Dean as the composer.

<I really like the cover art>

The entire project feels like a journey and a series of attempts to capture different vibes. The instrumental palette hovers around synth pop and new age dystopia. But let’s not linger on the preliminaries. Let’s get into it:

Don’t break the silence, without reading too much into it feels like an initiation or rather a stage setter. If you weren’t aware of what you’re getting into well… you’ll know after listening to it. The ambience ties in well with the recurring theme of harmony, love and bonds (or the lack thereof)

Come Around, one of my personal favorites. It’s laced with distorted synths that couple well with the portrayed character’s unregulated obsessive compulsive need to be with her lover. The modern dating scene would call it being “needy” — yeah, let’s go with that.

Morrow is upbeat and at the same time misleading in it’s depiction of what’s going on. Two lovers, trapped with their misunderstandings and growing frustrations. There are hints of pride and paranoia being involved (In the end I think the point is to form your own interpretation and this is the one that spoke to me) But this track definitely signals the disintegration of the relationship between 070’s character and her lover i.e. the story is about to get really interesting.

The Pines (my favorite) I just absolutely love this track! It could be argued that this track was the sole reason I even decided to do this whole pseudo-review in the first place. 

I like to think of The Pines as the turning/boiling point of this “relationship”.  The synths that permeate the album can be found here, but there is a heavy bass that layers itself through the entire song. Like a heavy banging on a hypothetical door — vibing with a sense of anxiety or restlessness. 070 Shake’s androgynous delivery just adds to the quality here; I somehow feel like only she could pull this kind of unique vibe from the instrumentals. Definitely can’t under-state the vibe that comes with the hook:

“The Pines! The Pines! The Pines!”

Don’t believe me? Listen to the song and for the love of all that is holy use earphones! Please! lol

Guilty conscience synth pop and the culmination of lies and deceit. I’m not really a big fan of synth pop but I like how the story here is weaved together. It’s a fair assumption that the character 070 Shake is embodying is not a really good person. Turns out all the paranoia and blame shifting that’s been happening is because she was actually cheating on her partner. lol the refrain gives it away: 

“5AM When I walked in,

Could not believe what I saw, yeah

You on another one’s body

Ghosts of the past came to haunt me

I caught you but you never caught me

I was sitting here waiting for karma

There goes my guilty conscience”

Lol Genius! Yeah, yeah toxic relationship etcetera etcetera

Divorce carries an odd zen quality as 070’s character owns up to her own mistakes in the relationship. Talking about “trading her ring” for some “peace”. The title gives the track away. Listening to it gives more context. The guitar solo near the end is pretty neat; transitioning into ambience.

I like the interlude from 70’s music group The Ebonys with the song “It’s forever” that plays in stark contrast to Divorce. Perhaps signifying how 070’s character sees the concept of marriage and love as a cruel joke? The warped ending of the interlude brought me to that conclusion — it also segues nicely into Rocketship.

Microdosing is a nice track but it doesn’t add much to the narrative or themes of the project. At least not in the way other tracks do. A little redundant but still a decent listen; so is Nice to Have, Under The Moon and Daydreamin. Thematically inconsistent, but that might actually be a deliberate move; considering the tracks emphasize the character getting high, having meaningless sex, ruminating over genuine bonds and a lover they can wake up next to.

Feels like a fever dream. And perhaps that’s the intention.

Terminal B seems to re-center everything again as an unsure romance blossoms from yet another drug and alcohol bender. The character questions whether THIS relationship will last, whether who they are sleeping with will finally be “the one”. It’s all compounded by self-doubt and rationalizations, as she wants the relationship but doesn’t want it at the same time. This is accentuated by lines like:

“Maybe she’s a lockdown lover”,

“We’re all going to die, so nobody’s safe here”,

“I’ve felt this before”

“Why can’t I feel this with another?”

Flight319 (The Final Track) Another upbeat track, I would’ve completely written this track off as generic if not for the latter half. Most of titles in the project hint to how all of this is a journey. Rocketship, Terminal B and Flight319 e.t.c. Flight 319 would naturally signal the end of the journey, or rather, the beginning of one, depending on your interpretation of it. The part that kinda blew my mind is how Flight319 ends. 

There are chimes of 070’s character feeling safe with a new lover with lines like “Feeling safe with your love song” but this supposedly feel good moment is drowned by the distorted synths we find in the earlier track Come Around.

It’s a leitmotif that literally turns the entire narrative around. Highlighting the cyclical nature of things perhaps. A Groundhog Day of heart-break if you will. This is how it all started, with her being obsessed over someone, later being paranoid, constantly fighting with her lover and then the Divorce .

The foreboding nature of this leitmotif hints at this new love ending in very much the same way as the last. Dark Ending lol but I like it.

My final impressions: I’m personally in love with the first half of the project. Its so tightly knit I couldn’t stop listening to it.

However, Microdosing all the way to Terminal B almost lost me. I was wondering where it’s all going (in fact, I stopped listening for a couple of days then later decided to come back). I like to call this part of the project the drug, alcohol and sex bender because it’s kinda all over the place lol

Flight319’s ending was what saved the album for me. After listening to that, most parts of the project began making more sense. However, I wish the bender could have been one song less. To the casual listener, these parts of the project might not be as engaging. But what do I know… this is just my personal take. Love this album and I can’t wait to see what else 070 Shake has in store.

– O.D. ©2021

The Sun, The Star And The Rainbow.

Last time I wrote one of these was 2019. I read what I wrote in my previous anniversary post and some part of me is really happy for that version of me. Things were “perfect” in a sense — but some big lessons were waiting just past the horizon. 

It’s been 7 years. 7 years of doing this and —it’s weird because it doesn’t feel that long (It does however when I factor how many posts I’ve written) roughly 800+ ; which isn’t much by the way. 

People rightfully ask why I haven’t published a poetry anthology yet. Lol it’s on the way, trust me. You’ll know when it’s ready 🙂

I’ve met many people during my time here, some of them disappeared unannounced and I hope they are okay wherever they are. Everyone is going through something — but not everyone sticks around.

When we’re not staring at the screen we all have some other stuff going on. 

In the end, I just hope everyone is alright.

 

Bye.

 

– O.D. ©2021

Rhythm To My Suffering.

(Spoken Word) 

Use earphones.

 

You can find more of my Spoken Word here

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by: BillyNunez

Thump.

When it comes to my blog’s usual status updates. This is the new normal. (Spoken Word)

– O.D. ©2021 

Art by: Design-By-Humans