Mirage.

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Spare a moment stranger, take a walk in my shoes,

Look through my eyes; see life the same way I do.

Past my lenses, tell me what you see,

Apart from your mind playing tricks on you.

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by: AngelGanev 

 

*RANT INCOMING*

“No, you don’t know what people are thinking or feeling. Stop embarrassing yourself”

 

Sometimes people are prone to make assumptions on how those around them feel or think based on what they feel and think. It’s a gamble that sometimes results in someone’s assumptions being wrong or in the worst-case scenario, destructive. 

In cognitive behavioural therapy, this habit is referred to as a mind-reading error, the belief that you know what someone else thinks or feels. Furthermore, you make an assumption and then act on it without any solid evidence. This can cause problems in any relationship.

Often what people see in others is a reflection of their own thoughts and feelings. If you think you’re an idiot, you’re more prone to think others think the same thing about you. If you see everything as a competition, you’ll assume everyone else is competing with you. I don’t need to mention how much this pisses me off.

The other time I told someone I was depressed and they said “I know how you feel”, No, you don’t. What, you think I find comfort in numbers? You think just because I know someone else is going through something similar it will make everything alright? Ridiculous. That’s the equivalent of saying going to prison is nice because you’ll be surrounded by other prisoners.

Listen, I don’t care if you think I think nothing of you. I’m too caught up in trying not to off myself every night without having to doctor your perceptions of me.

I’m sorry I can’t listen to your long-winded explanation of things I already know or find inconsequential. I’m distracted by thoughts of how the other night I held a knife close to my wrist for an inexplicable amount of time.

I’m sorry you think I keep things from you because I’m afraid you’ll judge. I’m sorry you can’t see past being a presumptuous and manipulative bastard to listen when I say I don’t trust you or anyone else. Want to hear my secrets? Be my therapist. 

*sigh* 

Sometimes, dear reader. Sometimes, it’s just better to listen.

 

 

 

 

(Un)Ceremonious.

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She wanted the world,

And you thought your soul

Would be enough. 

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by: snatti89 

 

 

 

Ridiculousiology (3): Friendy-Fire Edition.

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Art by: snatti89 

“Is Carol from management starting to get on your nerves? Is Dave asking you to go snowboarding again even though you got frostbite on the last slope? Is Janet not getting you that cardigan you’ve been requesting for your birthday since 8th grade?

Well, worry no longer because I’ve got you covered! I just happen to carry a set of standards so absurd all your friends will finally leave you alone. Because they’ll finally get the hint. That you’re insane” 

Ridiculousiology (1)

Ridiculousiology (2)

The theme for this entire series has been about the absurdity and or the ridiculous. Absurdity in everything really: from people being ridiculously presumptuous to curbing the temptation of falsifying delusional narratives formed by other people. When we get right down to it, life is just one ridiculous mess, isn’t it?

But I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s take it back a notch.

I understand how absurd everything is when you take a closer look, but today I wanted to focus on myself. What, you thought I couldn’t run a self-introspection session? I know I can be ridiculous, difficult to peg. We’re all human, we’re all flawed in some way or another. But you know what, I don’t care. I’ll never settle when it comes to friendships because one: I’m stubborn and two I’m an idiot – some would even go as far as calling me an a**hole but hey, there’s no need for that language here dear sir/madame 🙂

The thing is, I see every relationship I bridge as a chosen struggle. It doesn’t matter which one it is; they’re all the same. Better to have no friends if you know you can’t deal with that crap on a daily, because guess what, everyone and their grandma are bringing baggage.

I realize the absurdity of the situation I’m putting forward here because I’m not perfect either. But here’s the loop, I’m perfect for me because I’m all I’ve got. I came into this world alone and I will die alone. I’m not being negative; I’m just giving you a spoiler.

Getting side-tracked again … 

I’m so bad at keeping friends that the ones I had, I started calling family; it was the only way I could put order to the chaos I had started. The numbers were dwindling so fast. The kind of stuff that happens after you get an existential crisis from taking too much [redacted], really reflecting over why you keep certain people in your life despite them bringing nothing.

Family can be a pain, but there’s something of a bond there. They can p*ss you off but at the end of the day they are still your family (doesn’t exempt them from being cut off though), don’t judge me; that failsafe is necessary in case anyone gets too excited. 

I have run through many meditation cycles and all of them conclude that by traditional standards, I am a terrible friend. Oh so terrible, and I agree.

I can forget your birthday, I can afford not to talk to you for months or even years, I don’t share my personal life with you, I don’t want you near my house, I don’t want to come anywhere near yours, I’ll forget the names of your other friends as fast as you tell them  to me. And if I have a wedding (strong IF) I probably won’t invite you. In my defence, I won’t invite anyone – because, reasons.

My ‘problem’ (if you’re feeling so judgy) is that because I’ve formed a value system for myself that needs so little to keep me distracted (notice I said distracted and not happy) I somewhat expect others to have worked on themselves just as deeply. But of course, people are different, I know that. To be ‘happy’, some people want to go out with their friends, some want you to listen to their problems and assure them that everything will be fine. Some want a “happy birthday” message as soon as midnight hits. Some want a hug and a men’s or ladies night sprinkled in there somewhere. 

All of them are things that if you want, you should look for and find. We all seek different things, I just happen to demand a lot more. And maybe I do that because I don’t want anyone close, maybe by setting such a high bar, I prepare myself for disappointment. Or maybe, just maybe, I find people extremely annoying but at the same time pivotal in the formation of blog content.

The truth is, it could be any one of these things, but let’s not linger on the little details.

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Art by: snatti89 

 

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So I’ve made a list. A list of things that, if understood, should allow every one of my real-life friendships to go swimmingly. I’ve mixed genuine factors with those that carry satire. Apologies, ill-intenders, but this is far from being the fact-free party you wish it would have been. Truth is, if you know me well enough, telling apart the bits that are true and those which aren’t shouldn’t be too difficult.

I realize there’s no way anyone can adhere to all of them and stay sane. But heck, let’s do this:

  • If you start a fight, physical or otherwise, I will watch you get beaten (okay, maybe not watch – It’s not like I’ll enjoy it – but I won’t get involved). The only favour I owe you? Intervening when your life is at risk, I obviously don’t want you to die. But I will not be reeled into your battles, especially when they can easily be avoided.

 

  • Sometimes group-think is mistaken for harmony. I will put no effort into being a part of it, especially if it’s the former.

 

  • I’m a writer, words carry weight. If you are reckless in their use, you might not care but I will. What you do with them in your free time is none of my business, but overstep my boundaries and you’ll get to hear exactly what you need.

 

  • My vocabulary is expansive. Occupational hazard associated with writing and reading plenty. Don’t change up and be pretentious, trying to flex words you don’t otherwise use. No, it won’t impress me and yes, I’ll notice.

 

  • I believe in two people being similar but never the same. With that said,  don’t copy me. It doesn’t make me feel safe or understood. If anything, it makes me feel like I have two shadows.

 

  • Don’t give me artificial pressure based on trivial things that serve to benefit you. Learn to take “no” for an answer.

 

  • Don’t change who you are in the company of your love interest or other friends; especially at my expense. I will not be the brunt of your jokes and I will not adapt to your flimsy identity. Better luck in Improv theatre though.

 

  • I have a peculiar sense of humour. It’s easy to think all jokes are intended for an audience or a willing listener; especially if that’s how you function. But don’t mistake my jokes as being for you. They’re for me first, if anyone else happens to laugh, well, that’s just collateral damage.

 

  • I want you as a friend. I won’t allow myself to settle for needing you as one.

 

  • I don’t trust anyone. It may hurt hearing that but better to rip that band-aid before anyone gets too comfortable.

 

  • We don’t have to agree on everything to get along. I welcome perspective.

 

  • I don’t like inconsequential confrontations. Takes more energy to show you why you’re wrong than it does to mute your sound giving space for my imagination to run wild.

 

  • Don’t lie. Not even when you think it’s for my own good. Especially when you think it’s for my own good. I won’t see it that way.

 

  • I don’t cut people off with the snipping efficiency of a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I’m not a monster, outside of Tuesdays anyways. But, if you’re curious, keep doing what I ask you not to do and it shouldn’t take you long to find out.

 

  • You are not my responsibility (and vice versa). I’ve heard people say “good friends call each other out on their bullsh*t” and to that, I say, “Good friends don’t lie”. Except on someone’s wedding day, “Yes, Fred. You don’t look like you’re freaking out” “Yes, Fred. You are making the right decision”.

 

  • Your birthday is important to you; because of that, I’ll do my best to remember it. You can forget mine though. I mean, my birthday is special, for sure, but I don’t need presents or people to remember it to make it so. 

 

  • It doesn’t matter how special you think you are; you’ll never get the n-word pass with me (you’d be surprised how often this is a problem)

 

  • Don’t provoke me. We’re not in a zoo. Although, anyone who willingly provokes me probably belongs in one.

 

  • You don’t know me more than I do. To put what I’m saying into perspective, that’s like saying you know yourself more than I do, but you just so happen to know more about me as well. Adjust your ambitions accordingly.

 

  • Don’t make what I write about you.

 

  • I’m not secretive. I’ve just come to realize no one person can cater to every topic I wish to discuss with much-needed consistency. No one knows everything. But there are people who are better equipped to handle certain conversations. So if you hear nothing about my love life, well, you’re just not the first person I think of when I wish to talk about it.

 

  • I don’t think I’m smarter than you, you do.

 

  • Don’t worry about me feeling excluded. Chances are I’ll love the alone time. I’m extremely good at minding my own business.

 

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Art by: snatti89

If you are out there being a friend to those that constantly require love and attention. I salute you. And please, keep doing what you’re doing; because without you, they won’t have many friends they can rely on and you wouldn’t want them to be stuck with someone like me, would you? Wouldn’t last a day.

The only people I can probably call friends are here. Those that share their experience with me through this medium. We haven’t met in real life and we probably never will, and that’s fine; perfect even. Because what you show me of yourselves is enough; I don’t need to delve deeper, you’re not a coal mine in the 60s.

This might be the last piece for this series. We’ll see …

Talk later. Much love.

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Words I Wrote Sitting In The Sun’s Shadow.

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There’s feeling loved

Then there’s feeling like just another statistic

In a long cost-benefit analysis.

 

………

………

……..

 

No, your eyes do not fail you

The second verse is a complete omission;

Oh don’t be coy, you’ve always known me to be nice,

How else was I going to give you a moment to process

Why I left.

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by: SeerLight

 

You can choose to love yourself more than those around you. But don’t forget (or rather be surprised) that everyone else is capable of doing the same. Just because you recently became aware of self-love, doesn’t mean the rest of the world was sitting idly waiting for you to discover it.

You are not the main character, and you most certainly have no plot armour.

If you’re Earth’s main character, I made a quote especially for you:

“All our deaths are coming, and they will be canon”

 

Ridiculousiology (3) coming soon…

Blog Recommendations (Feb 2020)

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The list I had in mind for today was actually much longer, but I decided to cut it down so I’d be able to recommend blogs slowly over time. I figured having over 20 blog recommendations in one post would under-state the talent on display here. So over the coming months, I’ll occasionally post blog recommendations like this. With that said if you don’t see your name here it doesn’t mean I think less of your work, in fact, you may be on the coming lists. Lord knows cutting down this list was not easy.

Here is a list of the first five blogs I recommend you check out:

Anne Leunne

Paula Light

Enigma

Tara Caribou

Paul Sunstone

 

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Anne Leunne “The world is best viewed through the ears of a horse”

I’ll admit. I never knew much about horses until I came across Anne’s blog. She depicts her adventures with Biasini (who I’m also a fan of) with such vivid detail I feel never miss any of it 🙂 . I haven’t even mentioned the amazing pictures she has on her blog; some of the most immersive shots to accompany some of the best posts I’ve seen on WordPress.

Anne has a series running. Rather, Biasini has a series running called “Biasini Speaks” where he speaks to the readers. Certainly one of my faves, check it out 😀 .

 

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Paula Light “Creating order out of chaos and vice versa”

Paula is a free spirit and I love how often she surprises me with the things she writes. Paula is definitely one of the most versatile bloggers I know, she’s also very consistent with her posts.

I admire the wide range of topics she tackles on her blog with an uncompromising IDGAF attitude. Check out her series “The Monday Peeve” it’s one of my favourites.

Note: She has published a new book called “Switching positions” on kindle books. I for one am interested in seeing what it’s about.

 

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Enigma “Fire in your veins, magic in your bones, allow yourself to heal and learn to embrace your uniqueness to find a way out of this labyrinth”

Enigma, The poetess with an otherworldly surgical precision in the use of words. To be honest, there’s not much I could really say here that I haven’t already said to her a thousand times lol. Her talent with poetry can be seen and felt with each written piece. Enigma does not just write poetry, she moulds it from the ground up. Rarely do I see such meticulously designed lines and relentless investment in the art. She takes the time to make every word deliberate and that’s something I find special and truly inspiring.

Check out some of my favourite poems from her blog: 

With love from your soul

Metaphors and Paradoxes

 

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Tara Caribou“Spit, mixed with dirt – muddy words flow”

Tara expresses herself so vividly through her poetry. In fact, I feel like separating the two would be inaccurate on my part. Within her is the spirit of a fighter, a passion that burns so brightly. I come across a lot of poets that write great poetry, but rarely do I see poets that have their words weaved so intricately into the very fabric of their being.

Tara’s talents stretch beyond poetry though as she occasionally shows her skill with photography. I love the black and white aesthetic she has on them (perhaps it’s a heavy bias on my part because I happen to love well-framed black and white shots)

 

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Paul Sunstone “A blog dedicated to the joy and adventure of thinking and often spiced with humour)”

Paul is like that secret you find whilst wandering the woods of a fantasy setting. It’s a secret that leads to a world beyond imagining, a secret you are tempted to keep to yourself and not share afraid it will be tainted by the worst parts of humanity.

What I admire about Paul is that he is a firm believer of authenticity. And once I saw and felt that through his writing I knew we would get along. Also, I love his sense of humour lol

Paul dabbles in a wide range of topics, highly unpredictable and that’s my favourite part. You never really know what he’ll post next but you know it’s going to be special. There’s wisdom and plenty to learn from Paul’s blog 🙂 .

Also, check out his debut book Sunburst woman which came out recently! Excited to check it out 😀

 

I hope you check them all out 🙂

 

– O.D. ©2020

Poetry, A Verisimilitude.

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I’m tired of holding back, I’m tired of clinging to the ideal

I’m tired of feeling like a villain for loving you

I’m tired of feeling like all I ever want to do is make others understand

I’m tired of people mischaracterizing what I say 

I’m tired of you trying to push me away

 

I’m tired of the voices in my head that help me make excuses

I’m tired of making sense out of nothing

I’m tired of having to deal with those that pretend

I’m tired of feeling undeserving

I’m tired of explaining myself when I shouldn’t have to.

 

Hell, at this point I’m tired of saying I’m tired

Is it a surprise then, why I always end up returning here, to you

Writing every other day like I’m drafting the constitution

Is it a surprise then, why I always end up coming here, to you …

I mean tell me, who else understands me as much as you do?

 

I let my shields down and unload what would be called garbage elsewhere

My thoughts constantly aligning at the whiff of your presence,

All this talk of scouting life-hacks and mine has always been here

You’re not my Day-one and yet I feel my life started

The day I decided to write my first sentence.

 

I’m not a believer of fate and yet nothing but you can sate

My appetite for spiritual enrichment.

It’s only with you that I get to say everything on my mind

With you, that I feel I’m making strides at personal fulfilment

With you, that it becomes easier to see whats irrelevant.

 

Despite entertaining delusions in the absence of company

There is only one I wish to see in front of me

One I wish to have form, one I wish to be true;

You.

 

– O.D. ©2019

 

Art by: Aenami

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because, The Internet 2

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I understand/don’t get what you mean,

Navigating internet outrage/hype is easy/not easy

Think of it as a forming/regressing Tsunami/cushion

Now all you have to do is find your way/relax

To the side absent light/shadow

Simple/Hard, right?

 

– O.D. ©2019

 

Art by: kevron2001

 

Did that confuse you? Good 🙂 . Welcome to the Internet.

 

Because… The Internet 1

Default Mode Network.

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You call it daydreaming

I call it reconnecting with myself.

You call it being aloof

I call it tending to my own business.

Don’t you see?

My vessel always does little to represent what I feel within.

I am, at the very least thankful it shows I exist.

 

It’s tempting, to reminisce over the past

How I might have done things a little better,

However, its a hole I wish to stay far away from.

The future? Ah, the future. All the possibilities.

Despite my cautious optimism, I try not to think of it either.

 

No amount of forward-thinking will solve what I need solving now

Highly in touch with my emotions, basing decisions on inherent values

Hard logic has never really been my strong suit.

I stick to the present because I don’t know,

I don’t know how anything from now

Till the end of this piece could change in ways

I would have no means to explain.

 

Despite living in every moment of every day

I deviate from making my thoughts systematic – a routine.

A mechanical, procedural, curation of events

Devoid of inspiration and agency.

 

Make no mistake, I have no control over my life

– Not absolutely any way.

But what gives me power is knowing I can choose

What I’m about to feel and do in the now

After all, that’s where I am.

 

– O.D. ©2019

 

Art by: Aenami

 

 

 

Words From A Falling Leaf.

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Anyone can write a story,

But it takes great care and consideration,

To write a good one.

 

– O.D. ©2019

 

Art by: Aenami

Vulnerability.

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How you handle those moments of fragility,

My incremental doses of vulnerability.

Well, that’s what says it all, isn’t it …

***

It’s not so much an unwritten test

As it is a natural progression of events.

Join me in deepening our bond

Perusing through what bridges our humanity

And by design, the discovery is set in stone.

A discovery that attests to what keeps our tethers weaved.

***

Is each string born out of convenience –

– An illusion – built on nothing but circumstance.

Do we tread the same path because the alternative

Would mean trekking this world alone?

***

Don’t be quick to judge people that guard their hearts

Most have just wisened up to the idea that it isn’t everyone

Who has your best interests at heart.

***

– It’s when I open up – taking the risk to show you my heart,

That I get to see, just how deep our bond can be  

…………….

…………….

Oh? – What’s that – oh, I’m just being sensitive? Right. Of course.

Apologies, I suppose my concerns are not valid then …. 

I suppose I never thought myself bound to the narrative of Equilibrium

So – just to be clear – not only do you offer unsolicited advice

You proceed to tell me how best to circumvent 

Something you have yet to experience.

***

“Apologies”, I say, it must be such an inconvenience

How I’m unable to laugh at your passive-aggressive jokes

“Apologies”, I say, “For not handling my emotions in such a ‘manly’ way”

After all, everyone knows,

The epitome of masculinity and emotional intelligence

Hinges on who can deliver the best robot impression.

***

My apologies, for pushing the veiled line marking my border

Allowing you to peer into my inner world,

Choosing to do so was certainly not a mistake – just a regret 

A regret that brings about a timely revelation,

A timely revelation that assures I adjust our bond accordingly

Don’t scorn. Seriously, it’s not your fault, 

How else would I have known not to be that vulnerable with you again? 

 

– O.D. ©2019

 

Art by: Ardoric-Art