Romance: Writing vs Experiencing It IRL.

Writing romance is far much better — far more fun; creative control and all. You can’t apply the same principle or logic to romance IRL without sounding like a complete nutjob. 

When you write romance, as the writer, you know what both characters (or all, in a polyamory?) are thinking. You know their flaws, you know they mean well, you know they care. No matter how the story spins, there’s an element that pivots the narrative towards things working out. Unless, you know, you’re grimdarking your characters towards a threesome with Cthulhu.

Not so IRL, is it? You just have to “hope” things work out without any of the exposition to help. Hope that the other person means well, because you mean well. Nothing tells you that guy/gal is a serial dater looking to get a high.

There’s no particular reason for me writing this post. Just sharing more shower thoughts and taking a moment to dunk fecal matter on romance but… let’s not get into that.

Have I ever told you that I’ve never been rejected (romantically)?

Gee, how I wish I was making a hard flex to impress complete strangers on the internet, but there’s a reason I’m sharing this. I’ve never been rejected because I’ve never approached anyone I was interested in. My previous romances all kinda just… happened.

Now, what did I learn from this revelation? I learnt that I’m far much lazier than I thought. All I’ve ever done in my life is have someone approach me and let me peruse their CV. Running a quick cost-benefit analysis of falling-into-the-“love” with them.

Someone said I’ve never pursued because I’m afraid of rejection. Gee, I would say that too if I had an L on my record.

Regardless, it’s too late to find out now. I’ve been on a hot streak, and now the stakes are far too high lol I know I sound like a complete a** here but that’s what often comes with sharing the truth isn’t it? Being judged.

Judge away, call it humble bragging, and maybe one day you’ll start a blog and share something remotely daring. That’s if you ever get past the desire to pander. *whisper* not many people ever do.

I’ve also never lost a fight. Because I stopped in High school — whilst I was still ahead. Also I was afraid of losing teeth.

I’ve also never died — I hear that happens to a lot of people. I don’t know how it feels, but I’ll let you know when it does.

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I wanna share a secret with you.

IF I ever get married (Big IF) when it’s time for vows, I want my wife-to-be to start so that when it’s my turn I can lyrically fry her vows to oblivion. I want to write vows so deep, hers will sound like an imitation of my original works. If anyone in the crowd had given up pursuing their dream as a publisher, I want my vows to re-awaken their desire to publish peoples’ work. So that they publish mine.

Now I hear people say outperforming your bride is completely unnecessary and immature. And I disagree. You have to remember,  the theoretical wedding is the the closest i’ll ever get to a live crowd for my Spoken Word; and I’m not about to let such an opportunity pass me by. The wife-to-be just has to take one for the team. She also has to accept that I did not fake our entire relationship to get this opportunity. I mean, what kind of monster would do that, right? 😉

*ahem*

This post has very little to do with the title. But I just wanted to pour some of my crazy on the page. And now that I have, I’m gonna make like Batman and leave before Commissioner Gordon finishes his senten —

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by: PascalCampion

 

 

 

 

Poetry, To Me (4)

Poetry, to me, is the defiance —

Unapologetic sensationalizing of a world that is often unforgiving.

The unbridled strength and courage 

To pepper meaning onto that which is deemed insignificant

With a divine poignancy.

 

The unmitigated desire to repurpose evanescent chaos

Parsing itself over vacant and misplaced minds.

The waking and coloring of docile and achromatic senses

The feel and touch of a lover who’s in reach but will never exist

… Lest tainted by the limitations veiling our fragile reality.

 

Poetry, dear reader,

Is the gentle push that a healing heart never knew it needed.

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by:  SuperPhazed

 

If you enjoyed this poem, consider checking out the rest of the series:

Poetry, To Me 1

Poetry, To Me 2

Poetry, To Me 3

 

 

 

Blogging Vignette.

Sometimes I wonder what all my WordPress buddies get up to when they’re not here blogging their hearts out.

Make no mistake, I enjoy reading a majority of peoples work. I just tend to wonder how everyone’s lives are outside of everything they write.

We only get snippets/vignettes of everything. You know, mostly the juicy parts.

Alfred Hitchcock says “What is drama, but life with all the dull bits cut out”

And I agree. If we wrote a detailed outline that includes all the monotony we endure it would hardly be an interesting read. 

It’s not a curiosity I entertain often, after all, I’m hardly the most open person around here.

This question popped into my head when I was reminiscing over old friendships that fizzled out during my first years here on WordPress. So many people I knew are just… gone. Others showed up and vanished within the space of a year.

Keeping a blog alive is hard work — I like to believe in many ways you have to enjoy writing to help with this. Either that, or you use your blog to explore creative expression and not much else.

These were some of my shower thoughts these last few days. Have you experienced something similar or are all your buddies present and accounted for?

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: Ninjatic

Kenshō

You wouldn’t call me impatient

If you knew how long I’ve had to tolerate

Unimaginative definitions adjacent

To that which you say about me.

Noone ever really gets it

Until their intensity meets your own.

See, the day you fit me into a word

Is the day your tears trickle, drench —

— Drown and put a pause on spacetime.

The day you fit me into a sentence

Is the day you witness my form

Instead of your own

Glaring back at you in the mirror.

The day you fit me into a book

Is the day I call you “God”

And if you think it’s getting complicated

Then I’d say that’s a good indication

Because it means you’re starting to think.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: Superphazed

Hollow Dragons.

Absolute understanding of people is overrated.

The brickwork inlaid on the walls that surround me

Is enough to satisfy the lifetime curiosity of any aspiring bureaucratic fetishist.

Any who choose to abandon their lives to chisel my walls —

Will, in so doing, come to learn more about themselves

Than they’ll ever do about me.

My core is mine, and mine alone.

Not a myopic curiosity to cure existential doldrums.

If it’s all the same to you,

I’d like to keep it that way.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  ChaosFissure

A-Sexuality Reality.

Apart from people automatically assuming you’re gay? Everything as an a-sexual is fine lol. I don’t have a problem with gay people (obviously) but it’s annoying when my lack of a sexual appetite leads people to conclude I’m gay.

Because its unfathomable in their tiny little minds that someone can live without craving sex.

Please don’t embarrass yourself by assuming this. I like to believe we’re all a little more aware. But I suppose I’ve been guilty of thinking some things are common knowledge in a world full of diverse individuals.

— the other day I was accused of being “too woke” for simply checking on a co-worker who seemed sad. That my generation is too obsessed with how people feel and that we’re too sensitive. The guy was obviously sniffing his own pheromones, I think he just didn’t like someone other than him receiving attention.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with checking whether someone is okay. And it shouldn’t hurt anyone else in the vicinity when we care about other people’s feelings. Right?

Well “Wrong!” according to them. 

Point is, our world is full of all types — I’m open to toxic people existing — there’s nothing I can do about that. I just try not to stick around them any longer than I have to.

Going back to my experience with A-sexuality.

It’s important to note that I’m one of many on the spectrum of a-sexuals. There are A-sexuals who only desire sex when they are emotionally attuned with their partner. There are a-sexuals who are virgins and have no desire of ever experiencing sex.

Me?

I fall in the camp of those that have had sex but simply don’t find it enjoyable.

I want to touch on some of the misconceptions people often have about me as an A-sexual. Stick around, you might just learn something.

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Misconception #1 – I’m not waiting for Ms. Right 

It won’t take Ms. Right to change my mind on this. I’ve had enough sex to know I don’t enjoy it. Where others find pleasure in having sex with their partner; I find a nuisance.

I would rather do anything else than have sex — like entering VR or pretending to understand everything Nietzsche.   

 

Misconception #2 – It’s not out of trauma 

Sex, when you’re participating (and not enjoying) looks and feels incredibly sloppy and ridiculous.  Just two independent nervous systems covered in sweaty flesh, rubbing and thumping against each other.

Perhaps my first sexual experience was terrible…

And then the next one …

And then the next one …

And then the next one …

And then the — you get it. They can’t all have been sequentially terrible. And I’m not about to have sex again just to confirm if I really, really, don’t like it.

It took time but I just had to admit to myself that’s it’s okay not to enjoy sex as much as everyone else. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Wanna know what’s wrong? Ridiculing anyone who doesn’t share your voracious sexual appetite.

Perhaps if you weren’t obsessed with your next lay you’d be attending to your fugue state of causality problems. But don’t worry, I’ll do the thinking for the both of us.

 

Misconception #3 – I don’t hate sex. 

“You don’t!? But you just said –“

Relax. I may not enjoy sex, but I understand it’s value from a purely utilitarian perspective. We need reproduction for the human species; and if all of us were a-sexual then that would be a massive “yikes”.

I don’t mind reading or even talking about how much someone may enjoy sex. Just don’t go out of your way to ask me what I think about sex unless you’re looking for a counter-weight.

 

Misconception #4 – I get attracted too

Not obvious, but I have my own preferences. I notice when a lady has nice eyes or beautiful lips or hair. My thoughts however, don’t deviate towards kissing said lips.

I appreciate features how I would a rosy sunset. From afar —through a telescope — stalking your room from across the street.

That was a joke.

I hope 😉 

 

Misconception#5 – Wow. So you’re A-sexual? How does it feel?

I find this question funny because it’s often asked as if I have a condition that needs fixing.

You know, I could also ask how it feels to do the sloppy-mish-mash-under-the-covers thing.

I was curious about sex — had it. And when I was done with that fleshy disaster, some part of me wished I hadn’t. 

If you’re curious how life is as an a-sexual, I can tell you that there’s a lot of clarity. You have to realize it’s a little difficult admitting to yourself (especially at a younger age) that this thing most people around you enjoy, isn’t fun for you. That there’s nothing wrong with that.

Sharing this here means I’m done with the heavy lifting. It’s something I’m now at peace with.

I do think if someone enjoys sex they should dive right in and have a blast. I’m not trying to shame anyone who does by saying all of this.

 

*****

What I’m more interested in knowing is what your experience has been with other a-sexuals you’ve met. Pleasant? Unpleasant? Indifferent? Let me know.

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by:  mynameistran

Elucidation.

Our lives are riddled with deaths

Know them — Study them —

Learn from them.

Don’t wait until the last one.

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by:  indi1288

 

Anxiety about the future and its choices often pushes us to seek certainty in our lives.

The limbic system has a habit of triggering alert responses when we’re about to enter a situation that makes us feel uncomfortable. And I say feel because the limbic system is the part of our brain that regulates emotional and behavioral responses. 

This desire for certainty (if left unchecked) can easily cradle crippling habits.

Habits such as deliberately making choices that are “safe” or tolerating/rationalizing abuse because it’s easier to deal with “the devil you know” — y’know?

Psychological certainty plays a core part in the human experience. Influencing how people shape their thoughts, attitudes, decisions and behaviors. People form different evaluations and act a certain way when they feel certain, not when they feel uncertain. 

I won’t talk about how this desire for certainty affects every part of our lives but I will mention how it affects my creative thinking.

People who know me are aware that I don’t like leaning on traditional standards of thinking or doing things. I don’t like doing things just because that’s how it’s always been done. To me, that’s poor reasoning for validating something; especially when there’s room to improve on an established formula.

The same principle can be applied to my writing. I don’t like writing what’s safe, loved and appreciated by everyone — because nothing like that exists. 

I don’t like reading generic advice I could easily siphon on Quora or Yahoo answers lol. I know murder is bad; but it’s far more enlightening to learn what’s going on in the mind of those responsible. It’s a personal preference I suppose, to read work that takes risks; work that isn’t afraid to touch on the taboo.

I enjoy seeking uncertainty (within reason) because that is how ideas are generated — through questions. My mind can only work when I’m doused in uncertainty because that’s how I’m encouraged to make new ideations and interpretations of the world and everything around me.

That is how our theorized space of possibility continues to expand and form new connections — by allowing ourselves to welcome new experiences. After-all, creativity finds itself in the undulating hallways of the known and the unknown.

But of course, this isn’t something that can be appreciated by everyone; particularly those that desire certainty. And that is entirely valid. If people seek certainty they should find it. Even in relationships.

As a writer though; that reality sounds like hell.

Outside creativity, there are many other reasons why lessening our love for certainty is helpful. Giving certainty a long leash encourages us to be more tolerant and open minded — both of which help us see things from multiple perspectives and not lean on our way of thinking as being the “right” one.

It also offers us opportunities to embrace new experiences. 

But as always, it’s a choice.

 

(For the strawman: Not all certainty is bad. Yes, we need to know there is food for breakfast, lunch and dinner; especially when we’re responsible for people other than ourselves).

 

References: 

Carmen, A. 2016. Why are we always looking for certainty in our lives?. Psychology Today.

Tormala, Z, L. 2016. The role of certainty (and uncertainty) in attitudes and persuasion. Current Opinion in Psychology. Vol. 10, Pages 6-11.

Rock, D. 2009. A hunger for certainty. Psychology Today.

 

 

Ethnocentrism And Other Stupid Things.

I talk about racism a lot. However, in recent months I’ve since slowed down on talking about things that often leave me feeling exhausted. Afterall, my mental health takes the biggest hit.

If you’re an avid reader I believe it’s in your best interest to take breaks between reading my posts. The subject matter is often uncomfortable to binge, and despite that fact, these issues need addressing.

Before I took my break, I was on a streak of unapologetically honest (often abrasive) posts. Since coming back I’ve done my best to enjoy writing for the sake of writing. It’s gone well. But true to form, I feel myself returning to that cynic in me. I seem to oscillate between being a teddy bear and being an actual bear. Entering teddy bear mode when I need a break from the world and it’s endless stream of bullsh*t. 

Consider this a potential warning, This post might go to some dark places. 

Edit: I finished writing it, It’s not as dark as I thought it would end up being. Controversial maybe, but not dark.

*********

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As I said before, I talk about racism a lot. There is a tab on my page literally dedicated to black empowerment and all things related to being a black person. People often have a proclivity to assume when I’m talking about racism against blacks I’m automatically referencing white people. No, just racism overall.

If you’re racist you’re not safe from my ridicule. It takes a special kind of ignorance to be a racist. Believe it or not, it’s something you actually have to work hard to nurture. So yes, get offended if you’re racist, you deserve that and more.

Naturally, people often think I’m part of Black History month and the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement. Because I’m black. But I’m most certainly not a fan.

The first is unbridled tokenism. The perfect tool to re-enforce an unspoken divide. If you consider Black History Month at face value you’ll think black people are getting something meaningful, I suppose that’s the intension on a commercial level; to give that impression. And if you believe I’m wrong, that’s great. I just think black history should be a part of American history and not something so isolated and condensed into a small a month lol.

To me. it just comes across as. “Here, have a month to enjoy your contributions to society. Don’t say we never gave you anything” 

But of course, this is just my personal interpretation and doesn’t need to be taken as the truth.

The second: BLM is something I have mixed feelings about. Look, I get it , a number of the injustices faced by the black community in America because of police brutality is staggering. No-one should have to go through that. But the whole movement is now diluted by crazy radicals who are quick to justify racism against whites or push a narrative of blacks being superior.

Any movement has the potential of nurturing rogue cells that misinterpret and misrepresent the initial message (similar to religion). Either through sheer stupidity, hypocrisy, entitlement or a weird blend of all three. 

See, it’s unpopular (as a black person) to call out some of these things because a part of the black community automatically assumes I’m siding with other races. That I’m devaluing the struggles that others have gone through and have fallen for the illusion of racial equality.

Not at all, there is no racial equality, and If given the choice I would always choose to be black.

Try not to take this the wrong way but IDGAF what race you’re from. I care about the human. If you make a habit of putting too much value in our “differences” you’ll enter a never-ending spiral of comparisons. And that breeds hatred and entitlement.

Now you might be wondering why I lead with such a lengthy prelude, it’s to help give context to what I’m about to say. You wouldn’t understand how I came to certain conclusions without it.

I hate racism. That’s obvious.

Despite the semantic overlap there’s one thing I hate more. Ethnocentrism.

*******

all_about_erikah_by_iamdetour_de8vfgk-fullview

This is going to sound like a hit piece, it’s fine if it gets interpreted that way (check out my references at the bottom in case you’re interested). I’m going to use South Africa (SA) as a case study because I’ve been there and it serves as a living diorama for pornographically entrenched racism, classism, tribalism and other likely -isms I’m too lazy to think of right now.

See, majority of black people in SA are what happens when corruption, a lack of education, entitlement and desensitization to violence meet. Yes, apartheid was terrible, but it is often used as a crutch by the majority to validate their barbaric behavior. And you might think me calling their behavior “barbaric” is pushing it, but take a look at the xenophobic attacks from 2009 – 2019, doing your best to exclude the looting taking place at this very moment.

You’ve got bigots, politicians and tribalists (hardly separable in this case) kindling sentiment against minorities/foreigners in the country which fuels more of this xenophobia. It’s a complete joke, radio silence as people are ransacked or murdered. And when those in charge eventually speak, there is a political rhetoric applied that does nothing to speak against or quell the ongoing violence. Which only emboldens the barbarians of the population to loot and kill unabated. 

The only people who benefit from these kinds of situations are those in charge of the country. They’ve got perfect scapegoats (minorities) to demonize when they need a pressure release; the same people who help keep their economy afloat, whatever’s left of it anyway.

I didn’t mean to get too political, I try and avoid that sort of thing… but it’s driving to a point.

The reason I went on a frenzy is to give evidence to those that dine with racial hypocrisy. Often times, when people are called out by people outside their own race they apply emotion and not reasoning — and because that emotion makes them feel uncomfortable, they run for the racism card. Because it’s easier to rationalize it that way instead of identifying whether there is any validity to what’s been claimed.

Well, here I am, a black person calling out other black people. I dare you to call it racism now. 

Are there people from other races that guise their malicious intent using words such as “barbarians” towards black South Africans? Yes.

But does that take away from the validity of what’s being said? No. Majority in SA are angry over the oppression they faced during apartheid — and the wounds are still present. Check out footage of SA looting during the pandemic and tell me how normal that is. 

There is an underlying self-sabotage that seems to stem from lack of knowledge on how social or economic systems work and how such actions impact the country in the long run. No country is without its imperfections — I would know, my country (if you know it) is a breeding ground for corruption and is not much to look at.

But for someone to be blood thirsty, uneducated, ethnocentric and a racial hypocrite is a bad mix.

The culprits won’t listen to reason because they know better. They won’t go legit because their opportunities were taken from them due to apartheid, they see no recovery. They won’t accept foreigners because foreigners steal the aforementioned opportunities they are not qualified to take. They won’t stop a life of crime because they need to make up for not having a job. They won’t stop xenophobic attacks because their anger needs to be channeled somewhere. And in this hotbed of unreasonables they see themselves as completely justified in everything they do.

I just hope people can learn to open their eyes and see things with more clarity and not just lean on emotion. Otherwise none of us are going anywhere.

I liken this to my extensive research on slavery. It sucks reading about that but at the same time it is very insightful. A part of me still gets hurt thinking about that history. I will never forget what happened, however, it would be unreasonable of me to put every white person I meet under that stencil. 

I’ll base my judgements on character, not skin. Because skin color is fundamentally useful for data collection and building a framework; but it doesn’t automatically make someone a good or bad person. If that sounded obvious, you’re clearly smart.

It would not be a stretch to say there are those who would argue against this. Well, to you I say “You know everything. You clearly don’t need anyone’s help”

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by: iamdetour

 

References:  

Soni, P. 2014. Tribalism in South Africa compromises democracy, freedom, development and the character of the state. Arabian Journal of Business and Management Review.

Khuluve, M. 2021. Adult illiteracy in South Africa. Department of Higher Education and Learning.

Landau, L, B. 2015. Political rhetoric and institutions fuel xenophobic violence in South Africa. The Washington Post.

 

 

 

 

Star-Seed Requiem.

Silence is part of the music,

The absence of sound brings to attention

The nature and existence of permeating rhythms.

Purging what’s deemed uncomfortable ferments ignorance

Fear is the premise,

Death of awareness and potential is the conclusion.

In a world that rewards tunnel vision — narrow thinking — 

Reasoning I would contextualize as a corridor with no doors —

The deterrent is finding your own two feet.

There are many deaths experienced by the individual

And in preparation for the final one

I have continued to use Earth’s surface as my page —

Course correcting comets — forming craters to pool ink —

Should anyone fly by, they can’t miss what I’ve written

Through all my works

They’ll read what I had to say.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  Lusidus

 

Creativity Ritual.

People often tell me I’m prone to overthinking

Despite their concern

I’m quick to remind them

There’s such a thing as under-thinking.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: Carnegriff