Tag: poet

Question you are yet to ask (1)

My birthday was this week. It was nice, I guess.

I had a few stand-out conversations that i’ll touch on today. Hopefully you’ll learn something new about me.

So, uh, children?

My choice to not have children isn’t because I’m a hard-a** incapable of caring or loving. I’m afraid to mess up; much like many of the “adults” I grew up with. To have my son/daughter feel how I felt towards these adults is the last thing I would ever want.

Many people want kids. But very few know what it means to be a parent (except in name alone). If it wasn’t already obvious, my proclivity towards community isn’t exactly steady. I will wait until I have genuine desire to have a family then act on this. Until then …no experiments.

I want to do it right — it can’t be perfect but I want it to come pretty damn close.

Thoughts on romance?

No thanks.

(I suppose I have to say why)

Relationships are work. And I know people who are quick to say when you meet the right person it won’t feel like work. I agree.

Because when you’re in love i.e. drugged up, all inhibitions fly out the window. You enter a sort of fugue state – auto-pilot mode (if you will). I can’t have that happen — lose myself to someone. There is too much value in who I am as an individual.

The world is changing. And with it, the people too. My idea of attraction is tied to this unfortunately.  Unless our values align, I don’t really find someone attractive. I can  acknowledge how pretty a lady is from an objective stand point but that hardly settles it for me.

Doesn’t really help that I rarely get out of my house. I know, I’m to blame for this whole thing too. Regardless, if I run solo at the end of this — I won’t be pointing fingers. That’s just the way my story would have gone.

Do you have any pets?

I really want a cat — but in case my narcissistic stalkers see this and try to one up me I’ll say I want a dog instead. If they get both i’ll get a snake — what can I say, I enjoy giving copycats causality problems.

How is your mental health?

I haven’t felt like killing myself for over a year. That’s a plus. I have tried to be kinder to myself, seems to be working — kinda. I’m doing my best. I have found ways to harness my inner joy by not surrounding myself with people that try to steal or invalidate it. 

Thoughts on sex

Probably ties into romance a little. Did I ever tell you that I might be A-sexual? I’m 90% convinced. I can get attracted to women during a conversation but I don’t have sex on my mind when that happens. I consider this a blessing — many people are beautiful on the outside, but the inside — yikes.

Once had a sex addicted girlfriend — assumed I was cheating because I never asked for sex lol I can’t say I blame her. She was used to guys asking for sex during the first month of dating.

Anyway — it doesn’t matter how curvaceous your body is. It’s nothing until I see how you genuinely treat others. To be fair, it will be nothing even when I see you treat people well. I’ll be too distracted by your aura lol

As for sex itself — well, I wasn’t impressed the first time and I’m still not impressed. 

Memories of being the bad guy?

Jeez, I’ve lost count. I can be a real a** sometimes. I have trouble with authority figures that like micro-managing. I’m trying to work on that. 

I’m a poor, poor, poor, poor communicator. Keeping in touch is quite difficult for me. And at times I leave people feeling neglected. But when it comes to energy vampires that’s purely by design.

Too cynical — I may not voice it in person. But I assume the worst until I have gathered evidence that supports otherwise. May come across as pessimism to those that don’t know me. 

I can be harsh and very critical if someone repeats a mistake. Particularly in situations when I would’ve discussed with said person ways to avoid the problem. 

My undying desire for autonomy sometimes makes me push away people that could have potentially been good friends. Sorry.

My need for precision and logical consistency clashes with our irrational behavior as human beings. Sometimes, when Tom and Susan mess up, all they want to hear from their friend is that everything will be alright and not a play-by-play of what they could have done better.

I could go on and on but for now I think I’ve covered most of my glaring flaws.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  RHADS

I don’t see the sun rise,

I hear it.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  snatti89

I love this place. But the honest truth is, there are times I just want to disappear and never come back. Nothing to do with the community; its full of lovely people — sometimes I just can’t deal with all of it. I’ve already isolated myself from pretty much everyone I held dear — and I wish it was for attention, I really do. ‘Cause at least I would know what to do next.

But the truth is I can’t stand most people. Call me what you want, but there is no statistical evidence that says everyone has healthy people around them. And maybe you do — good for you. If I have healthy people around me I sure as hell want to know where they are. And if they are healthy, I suppose they don’t meet my standard.

Maybe I just enjoy being alone.

Am I the healthiest person? No. But I work damn hard to keep my mouth shut unless I have something I feel needs to be said. I’ve been petty, I’ve been vindictive, manipulative and narcissistic. I’ve also been on the receiving end. I know where to start and stop. I know who has my best interests and who doesn’t.  Because when you don’t have many people to talk to and you listen (like actually listen) you see patterns very clearly.

I can’t even handle calls anymore. Prolonged exposure to peoples voices tends to get under my skin.

If someone isn’t badgering me for being a recluse they are trying to tell me the “best” way to live. Giving me solutions — all the while skipping the part of how they are miserable and are constantly whining to me. If you have it all figured out, why do you come to me for unprompted therapy?

It’s funny. I never thought I’d be such a recluse. But I get it now — more than ever. I could say I’m isolated because when I choose to care, I care too much. And when someone steps on my toes it hits a lot harder. That’s what happens when you put your heart into a moment. But other people can’t be expected to understand that. 

There is no way I can say anything I want to say without offending someone — so I’ll just leave it at that. I’ll just come across as abrasive.

I suppose the best way to get anything across is to give “10 tips on how to stay positive” or work SEO algorithms to my benefit. But I’m not that person — as I’ve said, time and time again.

Or maybe under it all I’m just a horrible human being. If this all sounds too complicated I suggest you go with this one. Lord knows its too hard to think these days. Categorize sh*t to make space for other less strenuous tasks. Let’s pretend all the heavy hitting stuff doesn’t exist until it knocks on our door. 

Do whatever you want, It’s your life. All I know is I need a break.

Bye.