Questions You Are Yet To Ask (2)

Question you are yet to ask (1)

My birthday was this week. It was nice, I guess.

I had a few stand-out conversations that i’ll touch on today. Hopefully you’ll learn something new about me.

 

So, uh, children?

My choice to not have children isn’t because I’m a hard-a** incapable of caring or loving. I’m afraid to mess up; much like many of the “adults” I grew up with. To have my son/daughter feel how I felt towards these adults is the last thing I would ever want.

Many people want kids. But very few know what it means to be a parent (except in name alone). If it wasn’t already obvious, my proclivity towards community isn’t exactly steady. I will wait until I have genuine desire to have a family then act on this. Until then …no experiments.

I want to do it right — it can’t be perfect but I want it to come pretty damn close.

 

Thoughts on romance?

No thanks.

(I suppose I have to say why)

Relationships are work. And I know people who are quick to say when you meet the right person it won’t feel like work. I agree.

Because when you’re in love i.e. drugged up, all inhibitions fly out the window. You enter a sort of fugue state – auto-pilot mode (if you will). I can’t have that happen — lose myself to someone. There is too much value in who I am as an individual.

The world is changing. And with it, the people too. My idea of attraction is tied to this unfortunately.  Unless our values align, I don’t really find someone attractive. I can  acknowledge how pretty a lady is from an objective stand point but that hardly settles it for me.

Doesn’t really help that I rarely get out of my house. I know, I’m to blame for this whole thing too. Regardless, if I run solo at the end of this — I won’t be pointing fingers. That’s just the way my story would have gone.

 

Do you have any pets?

I really want a cat — but in case my narcissistic stalkers see this and try to one up me I’ll say I want a dog instead. If they get both i’ll get a snake — what can I say, I enjoy giving copycats causality problems.

 

How is your mental health?

I haven’t felt like killing myself for over a year. That’s a plus. I have tried to be kinder to myself, seems to be working — kinda. I’m doing my best. I have found ways to harness my inner joy by not surrounding myself with people that try to steal or invalidate it. 

 

Thoughts on sex

Probably ties into romance a little. Did I ever tell you that I might be A-sexual? I’m 90% convinced. I can get attracted to women during a conversation but I don’t have sex on my mind when that happens. I consider this a blessing — many people are beautiful on the outside, but the inside — yikes.

Once had a sex addicted girlfriend — assumed I was cheating because I never asked for sex lol I can’t say I blame her. She was used to guys asking for sex during the first month of dating.

Anyway — it doesn’t matter how curvaceous your body is. It’s nothing until I see how you genuinely treat others. To be fair, it will be nothing even when I see you treat people well. I’ll be too distracted by your aura lol

As for sex itself — well, I wasn’t impressed the first time and I’m still not impressed. 

 

Memories of being the bad guy?

Jeez, I’ve lost count. I can be a real a** sometimes. I have trouble with authority figures that like micro-managing. I’m trying to work on that. 

I’m a poor, poor, poor, poor communicator. Keeping in touch is quite difficult for me. And at times I leave people feeling neglected. But when it comes to energy vampires that’s purely by design.

Too cynical — I may not voice it in person. But I assume the worst until I have gathered evidence that supports otherwise. May come across as pessimism to those that don’t know me. 

I can be harsh and very critical if someone repeats a mistake. Particularly in situations when I would’ve discussed with said person ways to avoid the problem. 

My undying desire for autonomy sometimes makes me push away people that could have potentially been good friends. Sorry.

My need for precision and logical consistency clashes with our irrational behavior as human beings. Sometimes, when Tom and Susan mess up, all they want to hear from their friend is that everything will be alright and not a play-by-play of what they could have done better.

I could go on and on but for now I think I’ve covered most of my glaring flaws.

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by:  RHADS

 

 

 

 

Hikikomori.

I don’t see the sun rise,

I hear it.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  snatti89

I love this place. But the honest truth is, there are times I just want to disappear and never come back. Nothing to do with the community; its full of lovely people — sometimes I just can’t deal with all of it. I’ve already isolated myself from pretty much everyone I held dear — and I wish it was for attention, I really do. ‘Cause at least I would know what to do next.

But the truth is I can’t stand most people. Call me what you want, but there is no statistical evidence that says everyone has healthy people around them. And maybe you do — good for you. If I have healthy people around me I sure as hell want to know where they are. And if they are healthy, I suppose they don’t meet my standard.

Maybe I just enjoy being alone.

Am I the healthiest person? No. But I work damn hard to keep my mouth shut unless I have something I feel needs to be said. I’ve been petty, I’ve been vindictive, manipulative and narcissistic. I’ve also been on the receiving end. I know where to start and stop. I know who has my best interests and who doesn’t.  Because when you don’t have many people to talk to and you listen (like actually listen) you see patterns very clearly.

I can’t even handle calls anymore. Prolonged exposure to peoples voices tends to get under my skin.

If someone isn’t badgering me for being a recluse they are trying to tell me the “best” way to live. Giving me solutions — all the while skipping the part of how they are miserable and are constantly whining to me. If you have it all figured out, why do you come to me for unprompted therapy?

It’s funny. I never thought I’d be such a recluse. But I get it now — more than ever. I could say I’m isolated because when I choose to care, I care too much. And when someone steps on my toes it hits a lot harder. That’s what happens when you put your heart into a moment. But other people can’t be expected to understand that. 

There is no way I can say anything I want to say without offending someone — so I’ll just leave it at that. I’ll just come across as abrasive.

I suppose the best way to get anything across is to give “10 tips on how to stay positive” or work SEO algorithms to my benefit. But I’m not that person — as I’ve said, time and time again.

Or maybe under it all I’m just a horrible human being. If this all sounds too complicated I suggest you go with this one. Lord knows its too hard to think these days. Categorize sh*t to make space for other less strenuous tasks. Let’s pretend all the heavy hitting stuff doesn’t exist until it knocks on our door. 

Do whatever you want, It’s your life. All I know is I need a break.

Bye.

Love After Dawn.

Another break from Spoken Word and Poetry. We haven’t talked like this in a while.

 

Following up on my post from yesterday I’m going to explore some of the reasons why I don’t pursue romance — or children. Despite previously being an avid supporter of romance, it wasn’t heart-break that stopped me from pursuing. It was, in fact my pursuit that stopped me. It was getting ridiculous.

 

My personal interpretation of love far surpasses anything found in reality. Of course it does, have you looked around lately? You’ve got people entering relationships with wildly different values and only figuring each other out years later ….then claiming the other person “changed”. No one changed, few people show who they are until they are certain you’re not going anywhere. People don’t change, their priorities do and you’re probably not one of those priorities anymore.

 

I was born in a generation that valued tradition and all the gimmicky lovey-dovey stuff. Grew up believing in “the one” which is obviously an illusion depending on how you view romantic relationships. And even though I’m relatively young, I feel like a dinosaur because I don’t see how I fit in the modern dating scene and all it’s rules. It’s become so dogmatic.

 

See, I’m not the type of person who goes on a date with someone to “gauge where we stand” or to see if I actually like them. I’m the type of person who commits to action and conscious decision making. If I’ve decided to go on a date with you, I obviously like you. That’s what a date is to me.

Believe me, If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t be going on that date. But the modern dating scene allows people to opt out even after a single date. As they should, it’s their choice. Just like it’s my choice to not be a part of that circus.

 

My capacity for feeling is not something I can easily navigate and mold to be so free-form. I suppose the easiest way I can put this is… when it comes to romance, I’m the all-in or nothing kind of romantic partner. But that only applied when I was still searching.

 

But that’s just one thing, there are many other things I can’t handle in romance …

 

Gender roles (at least in my culture) just completely drain me. I remember one of the break-ups I had was over an ex saying I wasn’t doing enough. That I wasn’t ambitious and shooting high enough…

 

Okay, let’s decipher this …

 

Within the span of our relationship I had moved to a foreign country in pursuit of work.  I was earning more than I had ever done in my entire life — sending her money when I could –and in the meantime she was busy complaining and failing her degree. Listen, I’m not saying failing makes you a complete disaster, what I AM saying is if you know you’re contributing nothing to a relationship apart from simply existing; have the decency to open your eyes before making a fool of yourself.

 

The gall to say I’m not doing enough when they were doing nothing but watching me progress from the sidelines. I’m not the most gifted mathematician, but I know her abacus was tracking bad numbers. She expected me, as the man, to save her… to earn enough so she sits pretty while I bust my a**. No thanks honey. That’s not chivalry, that’s being an idiot — or, according to the urban dictionary. A Simp. 

I don’t usually judge. But when someone is so brazen to call me out when I’m doing my best… tsk

These are the gender roles I’m talking about. Being expected to do something because you’re a man or a woman. I preferred  partnerships, working as a team; but even that wasn’t enough. I broke it off cause I wasn’t having none of that sh*t. For crying out loud, some of these people didn’t even know what they want.

“Good guys finish last” because they think it’s their job to wait lol that waiting makes them honorable or something. Yeah, have fun with that.  

 

The fact that when I meet someone new I have to prepare myself for yet another theme park of distractions and misadventures hardly gets me excited. Everyone is scarred in some way and I honestly just wince, thinking about how much baggage I have yet to uncover. But that’s it for romance, I’m not trying to convince people of my worldview. I just value precision and that sometimes gets in the way of everything.

 

As for children. lol

Children, children, children …

If I’m being completely honest (and I have to be, because I’m all about that authenticity) I’m 80% sure I don’t want to have kids. The remaining 20% is reserved for a future that remains uncertain. There are far too many likely variables for me to hammer the gavel here.

 

I’ve always been of the belief that If you have kids, you have to love them with every single thing you have, otherwise you’ve failed. That means forgetting who you even are and sacrificing your time to give that child your attention.  In my case, that would mean my writing, who I am. I’m not ready to make such a sacrifice nor do I see myself doing that without feeling like I’ve lost something.

 

The kid (if I ever decide to have one) never asked to be born; it would be my job to keep that kid happy, I’m not entitled to their respect. Currently, I’d probably push the percentage of wanting kids to 0% because I’m not thinking about having a child during a damn pandemic. But that’s a topic for another day…

 

You know… I hear testimonies of ladies saying they look for particular qualities and genes (in men) they wish to have children with. It may come as surprise to some ladies but — some men also want kids with a lady that carries specific qualities. And I don’t mean to be an a** when I say this but… no lady I’ve met even remotely compels me to want kids with them. 

 

And that’s mostly because my ideal relationship is so fictional. No one could ever compare or come close to it. As such, I won’t allow myself to settle. I’ll pull my hair out of boredom and resentment. People are fundamentally boring when we get down to the brass tacks. I’d rather save myself and the other person the misery of discovering what I’ve already discovered before.

 

That said, I love seeing people in love. I love seeing TV shows that have romance (like Outlander). I think love is beautiful, and it should most certainly persist. I just don’t have the patience for it. I love those I call friends, and I can appreciate beauty but now I passively have an ascetic quality to romance. 

 

Ending on somewhat of a high note: I believe love is about finding someone whose baggage and annoying traits are easy for you to live with. Honestly? I think anyone who can hold a marriage is gifted in ways I have yet to understand. 

See you in the comments (?)

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by:  CamilleNat

 

Looking Forward To Yesterday.

I haven’t posted in a while. It’s probably been one week — but by the end of it, I practically felt naked. I’ve been posting consistently every week for a while now but — last week, I just didn’t feel like it. 

It probably has to do with how I’ve started ghost writing. Capturing peoples’ voices is a tad bit exhausting (but it’s good practice though). Posting here started to remind me of work, so I had to take a step back before building resentment.

There’s a thought that’s been at the forefront of my mind lately.

“If something was to happen to me, how would all my readers know I’m not coming back”

In fact, I’ve thought of this question before (2015) but I didn’t dwell on it. My girlfriend at the time had insisted I give her my password lol in hindsight, not giving her was a good idea. 

One of my students asked me why I don’t want to get married and have kids. I told her “It’s not for me”.

She almost teared up worried, saying “people are not made to be alone in this world”.

I agreed. And reminded her that I wasn’t alone, after-all “I have all of my students”.

She persisted, saying “Yes. we’re here. But what if you ever get sick, or get injured, who will take care of you? Or when you get older, who will be there for you?”

“I don’t know. But I won’t have kids because of that” pause “When it’s time to go, It’s time to go. Let’s enjoy the time we have together. Because these are the good ol’ days”

My students called me stubborn lol they are sweet. I asked them to invite me to their weddings and they said they would.

Dear reader, truth is I don’t see myself giving anyone access to this account. Not in the near future at least. I don’t know what the future holds.

What I can say with full certainty is that if you see me absent from this blog for an entire year. Well, best to assume I’m not coming back. I’ve been doing this for so long that I literally feel weird when I haven’t said anything here. It’s obviously not some kind of moral obligation that drives me to come back; I just enjoy this, and I definitely don’t see my life moving without it.

Despite everything I’ve said, this is also an appreciation post to everyone who has read my work and listened to my Spoken Word poetry. To those that stayed open minded and didn’t judge, those who were kind and willing to talk despite having no incentive to do so. 

Thank you.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: W33DZO

Poiesis.

(Spoken Word) I won’t lie, I’m enjoying doing these.  I might occasionally post written poems. It’s good to change things up every once in a while.

 

Adjust your volume and use earphones.

 

Did you enjoy this?

You can find more of my Spoken Word here

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by:  Kanamm

Instrumentals: Pandaraps

I Would Rather …

… Talk to a lady of the night than engage with anyone from any profession. And before anyone asks, I haven’t used their services, but I have talked to one of them (at least that I know of). I think ladies of the night are some of the smartest and acutely aware people on the planet — stuck doing what they have to, to survive. 

It would surprise others to find out that not all of these ladies are forced to do what they do. Some are actually proud of their work and prefer things to stay as they are. I was at a bar with some [redacted] and they thought it would be funny to pay one of these ladies to come and offer their services to me. She came over and sat beside me by the counter. After explaining to her that I didn’t have any plans to sleep with her — she seemed relieved saying “Good. Because you don’t look like the type”

I talked for an hour with this lady. At first skeptical, thinking it’s a long con of some kind but… she was cool. She had a boyfriend who knew of her profession and he even encouraged her to continue pursuing it. A kink, I thought.

She told me about how men and women are all stupid (I agreed). Talking about all the things she had seen — and who was I to argue? I’m sure she’s seen a lot of things. Not only sexual — but pretty much the degenerative side to all relationship dynamics imaginable. Husbands cheating on their wives and wives exploring their sexuality while their husbands are out of town. It was a crazy conversation.

We talked for an hour and yet it felt like a few minutes. I had so many questions to ask but I never really got to them. 

Who knows. Maybe one day I’ll pay for a conversation — it’s rather refreshing to hear someone be so raw in their interpretation of the world around them.  I don’t know why I thought to share this story. I just thought it was interesting.

– O.D. ©2021

The Identity Caper.

(Spoken Word) 

Use earphones.

You can find more of my Spoken Word here

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  BillyNunez

The Sun, The Star And The Rainbow.

Last time I wrote one of these was 2019. I read what I wrote in my previous anniversary post and some part of me is really happy for that version of me. Things were “perfect” in a sense — but some big lessons were waiting just past the horizon. 

It’s been 7 years. 7 years of doing this and —it’s weird because it doesn’t feel that long (It does however when I factor how many posts I’ve written) roughly 800+ ; which isn’t much by the way. 

People rightfully ask why I haven’t published a poetry anthology yet. Lol it’s on the way, trust me. You’ll know when it’s ready 🙂

I’ve met many people during my time here, some of them disappeared unannounced and I hope they are okay wherever they are. Everyone is going through something — but not everyone sticks around.

When we’re not staring at the screen we all have some other stuff going on. 

In the end, I just hope everyone is alright.

 

Bye.

 

– O.D. ©2021

Rhythm To My Suffering.

(Spoken Word) 

Use earphones.

 

You can find more of my Spoken Word here

 

– O.D. ©2021

 

Art by: BillyNunez

Ascetic Fleece.

“You’re afraid of your demons”

“Hm. That’s odd …”

“What?”

“That’s not what they’re saying”

– O.D. ©2021 

Art by:  AngelGanev