Hikikomori.

I don’t see the sun rise,

I hear it.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  snatti89

I love this place. But the honest truth is, there are times I just want to disappear and never come back. Nothing to do with the community; its full of lovely people — sometimes I just can’t deal with all of it. I’ve already isolated myself from pretty much everyone I held dear — and I wish it was for attention, I really do. ‘Cause at least I would know what to do next.

But the truth is I can’t stand most people. Call me what you want, but there is no statistical evidence that says everyone has healthy people around them. And maybe you do — good for you. If I have healthy people around me I sure as hell want to know where they are. And if they are healthy, I suppose they don’t meet my standard.

Maybe I just enjoy being alone.

Am I the healthiest person? No. But I work damn hard to keep my mouth shut unless I have something I feel needs to be said. I’ve been petty, I’ve been vindictive, manipulative and narcissistic. I’ve also been on the receiving end. I know where to start and stop. I know who has my best interests and who doesn’t.  Because when you don’t have many people to talk to and you listen (like actually listen) you see patterns very clearly.

I can’t even handle calls anymore. Prolonged exposure to peoples voices tends to get under my skin.

If someone isn’t badgering me for being a recluse they are trying to tell me the “best” way to live. Giving me solutions — all the while skipping the part of how they are miserable and are constantly whining to me. If you have it all figured out, why do you come to me for unprompted therapy?

It’s funny. I never thought I’d be such a recluse. But I get it now — more than ever. I could say I’m isolated because when I choose to care, I care too much. And when someone steps on my toes it hits a lot harder. That’s what happens when you put your heart into a moment. But other people can’t be expected to understand that. 

There is no way I can say anything I want to say without offending someone — so I’ll just leave it at that. I’ll just come across as abrasive.

I suppose the best way to get anything across is to give “10 tips on how to stay positive” or work SEO algorithms to my benefit. But I’m not that person — as I’ve said, time and time again.

Or maybe under it all I’m just a horrible human being. If this all sounds too complicated I suggest you go with this one. Lord knows its too hard to think these days. Categorize sh*t to make space for other less strenuous tasks. Let’s pretend all the heavy hitting stuff doesn’t exist until it knocks on our door. 

Do whatever you want, It’s your life. All I know is I need a break.

Bye.

Sophistry.

You don’t have to like me.

You don’t even have to listen to what I say;

But if you’re going to make assumptions about me —

At least be correct.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: FreeMech

Someone told me my blog is a cry for help. That I’m saying words hoping someone saves me. LOL.

Usually I’d go into it and break it down to make it easier for those who share a similar view to realize how off they are but… they can have this one. If that’s what you think, run with it. I just have no tolerance for bullsh*t; and when I say what I say and leave people feeling uncomfortable they think there’s something in me that needs fixing. Classic rationalizations and straw man tactics.

I learnt long ago that even when you try and explain yourself, people will continue to form conclusions that may or not be in your best interest. So why bother?

Most people have a natural inclination for irrational conclusions formed from emotions and feelings. And it makes sense when the same people  can’t get their own sh*t in order and want to fix everyone else’s problems. Its a diversion from their own issues.

All I’m saying is… if I really wanted attention. The internet is hardly the best place for that. Not unless it was the year 1990. When using the internet was an adventure for all involved. People on the internet can be real brutal, and you can leave here feeling worse than you did before.

The point I’m driving to with this is… just because someone “calls” you out, doesn’t make them correct. Just as much as being louder doesn’t make anyone correct. Be careful of projections, conscious or subconscious. Not everyone is careful with their assumptions.

Looking Forward To Yesterday.

I haven’t posted in a while. It’s probably been one week — but by the end of it, I practically felt naked. I’ve been posting consistently every week for a while now but — last week, I just didn’t feel like it. 

It probably has to do with how I’ve started ghost writing. Capturing peoples’ voices is a tad bit exhausting (but it’s good practice though). Posting here started to remind me of work, so I had to take a step back before building resentment.

There’s a thought that’s been at the forefront of my mind lately.

“If something was to happen to me, how would all my readers know I’m not coming back”

In fact, I’ve thought of this question before (2015) but I didn’t dwell on it. My girlfriend at the time had insisted I give her my password lol in hindsight, not giving her was a good idea. 

One of my students asked me why I don’t want to get married and have kids. I told her “It’s not for me”.

She almost teared up worried, saying “people are not made to be alone in this world”.

I agreed. And reminded her that I wasn’t alone, after-all “I have all of my students”.

She persisted, saying “Yes. we’re here. But what if you ever get sick, or get injured, who will take care of you? Or when you get older, who will be there for you?”

“I don’t know. But I won’t have kids because of that” pause “When it’s time to go, It’s time to go. Let’s enjoy the time we have together. Because these are the good ol’ days”

My students called me stubborn lol they are sweet. I asked them to invite me to their weddings and they said they would.

Dear reader, truth is I don’t see myself giving anyone access to this account. Not in the near future at least. I don’t know what the future holds.

What I can say with full certainty is that if you see me absent from this blog for an entire year. Well, best to assume I’m not coming back. I’ve been doing this for so long that I literally feel weird when I haven’t said anything here. It’s obviously not some kind of moral obligation that drives me to come back; I just enjoy this, and I definitely don’t see my life moving without it.

Despite everything I’ve said, this is also an appreciation post to everyone who has read my work and listened to my Spoken Word poetry. To those that stayed open minded and didn’t judge, those who were kind and willing to talk despite having no incentive to do so. 

Thank you.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: W33DZO

Project +

(Spoken Word)

Use earphones.

You can find more of my Spoken Word here

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  escume

Instrumentals: Matt Large

Thump.

When it comes to my blog’s usual status updates. This is the new normal. (Spoken Word)

– O.D. ©2021 

Art by: Design-By-Humans

Forever, In Mayfly Years.

You could spend years building a li(f)e

— lose it all in one second.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  AaronGriffinArt

There are many deaths. It’s up to you to decide the one that speaks to you.

Blood Echo.

You mistake my pulse,

For a knock on the door.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  AaronGriffinArt

A Reality Bend.

Come on, tell me”

“My dream? Writing till the end of infinity”

“Uhm… there’s no end, to infinity

“Exactly”

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: snatti89

Poetry, To Me (3)

Poetry, To Me (1)  *  Poetry, To Me (2) *

*************

Chaos surges over … under… through… my formless soul,

You’d think I’m born of cast iron;

The way it swirls and bubbles within me — picture a witch’s cauldron,

Dark and divine energies, merging and undulating.

A process forever moving, persistently Illuminating all immediate surroundings

Squint your eyes lest hit by the glare factor of an eclipse

What is poetry, but my best attempts to convey that same chaos to you

Through this medium, in a manner closest to order — or rather,

In a way that bridges our understanding.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  KihOskh714

Black Fire Depository.

You can call me black — no harm done,

Limitations of language and understanding.

You can even take it to the 70s and go full Rhodesian

Despising and metricizing worldly pigments.

 

 It’s not your fault for being that stupid — they call it dualism of the mind

And you, my friend, are a slave to one side of that coin

Shackled, to the fickle nature of hauling five senses.

Collared, lovingly, to the physical realm — like a mangy dog neglected by its owner

You are in the late stages of spiritual starvation; married to earthly hallucinations;

I don’t expect you to see past that mirage —

To see how my spirit burns, a blaze untamed

In a reality you’ll never understand.

 

Diagnosing me as the devil is the first step to misidentifying my presence

Demon possessed? Maybe.

Are you afraid? You shouldn’t be.

I’m beyond such petty schemes

Peddling cheap scares — pandering — placating

Surface level habits that give me nothing.

You’d do well to call this a panoramic view of satori —

I see it all. The collective sequence of events that denote your existence

I was built to be a passive observer of humanity’s choices and lack thereof.

Your life will begin and it will end with the deterministic value of a movie reel

And there I’ll be,

Using this body you hate so much to live through yet another Earth rehearsal;

Living through yet another time where you’ve seized to exist.

Confessions of a star seed:

This body will pass on

But my spirit and vision will continue pursuing what’s beyond;

Maybe as a sick joke next time I’ll possess one of you.

 

Dear racist, if all of that flew over your head

Do me a favor and at least try to understand this:

“You hating this flesh — this color,

Is not a waste of my time;

It’s a waste of yours”

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by: ricardothb

 

I’m not in the mood to be nice. To be fair, I haven’t been in that mood for a while now.

When the BLM chants gained steam early this year, I refused to write about it here. Felt insincere as there were plenty of people voicing what I already felt. Furthermore, I’m not guided by some ethical imperative that dictates I prove my loyalty as a black person every time there is an injustice. It doesn’t make me more empathetic to be involved. I don’t need to prove myself. Simply look at how many posts I’ve written regarding black injustice (tracing years back) to see what I mean. I was speaking against injustice long before George Floyd’s unfortunate murder. There have been many others who people seem to forget and I fear listing all of them right now would dilute the point I’m trying to make.

Appealing to racists and entertaining their worldview (even as an Empath) is far too much for me. There are bad people to be found in all races, but many people are quick to try and play devil’s advocate before they catch up on their history. I’m talking Tulsa race massacre, the Tuskegee Syphilis study e.t.c .

Honestly? Do that first, then get back to me. 

And before you say that all of these events “took place ages ago” and I should move on”, I in kind, would gladly ask you to go f*ck yourself.