Grey Rock Method.

When you speak poison, frothing at the mouth, dripping down your chin

I choose not to indulge; I’ve always got better things to do

And while you form inconsequential judgments on issues you’re yet to understand

I use my time to think of lines and rhymes that make me smile.

And when your attempt to lure me into yet another one of your self-serving conflicts fails

I smile, from within — not at your failed attempts — that ship has already sailed;

Your failure is re-current, old news, guaranteed.

I smile, because despite your unwarranted noise, I finally found that rhyme.

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: oCeyx

Critical-thinking is such an under-valued skill ladies and gentlemen. I’ve lost count of how many times people vent to me, then call my name in an accusatory manner simply because I’m not saying anything or re-enforcing yet another one of their “all important” issues.

It’s hard, telling people, in a nice way, that I have far more pressing issues to attend to. And that their new issue, which in their view is world ending, is far from being my top priority.

Usually, they proceed to say, “Tell me what’s bothering you then?” or “Why not just tell me if you’re not listening”. I’ve had many opportunities to follow up on this request in the past, never ends well. 

In both cases, the approach is more a challenge than anything.

“Tell me what’s bothering you then?” : That’s not how it works, your lack of boundaries does not directly correlate to me. If your personal matters are as open to exploring as a night worker consider remembering we’re not all in the same bracket. 

“Why not just tell me when you’re not listening?” :  Do you understand the number of distractions people face day to day? moment to moment? This request is irrational. Even the most avid listeners will have a stray thought here and there. This question strikes me as a guilt tripping ploy. You want someone to feel bad about not listening. A better question to ask would be “Is what I’m saying important to you right now?”

Answer? “No” and not because I’m an a**hole (not entirely) but because it’s true for most people. Your issue, no matter how severe, will probably affect me momentarily but I wont lie and tell you that i’ll lose sleep over it. Call me evil but at least I’m not lying.

Someone with critical thinking would realize they are venting and giving nothing of value. Just noise. Me not listening to a vent session is not a crime that warrants accusatory questioning. Finish venting, and if its done, it’s done. An apology for blind-siding someone with a vent session is always a nice touch. It shows a willingness to be accountable for your actions.

This is one of the many reasons I stay alone. I quickly pick up on the minutiae. inconsistencies, attempts to manipulate, vampirism and a crippling low self-esteem. I don’t have a problem with the last one provided someone owns up to it. Don’t make thinking of yourself as a loser my fault or my problem.

Forgive me God, but some of your people suck serious a**.  

And I know I suck too ,that’s why I’m adamant not to subjugate anyone (but myself) to my own bullsh*t. 

Side note and ender: When I share these snippets, I hope you never see me as the victim, because I’m not. Fishing for sympathy and having charisma is how you start a damn cult.

 

A Not-So-Thorough Look At 2020.

I hear many people say 2020 sucked, I don’t deny their experience. But If I were given a platform to offer my opinion I’d say 2020 turned out to be one of the best years I’ve had in a while. And not because I got something of material value or that I wasn’t affected by the pandemic. It was a good year (for me) because I got jet fuelled into learning so many things in such a short amount of time.  Also helps that I’m an individualistic introvert.

Lock down was great. I already don’t like hanging out with people because I’m an anti-social “weirdo”; lockdown simply offered me a great excuse not to meet anyone outside a blunt “I don’t feel like it”. Furthermore, being in your house alone for three months tends to give serious clarity. Depending on how you decide to spend your time. 

By the time the clock hit midnight on December 31st my phone was already off because that’s usually the time people who have no reason contacting me try contacting me. Like we’re automatically buddies or something. No, I don’t hold onto grudges — I simply deny ill-intenders a reset. There is no situation where I’ll get so excited I forget that my boundaries were crossed. I will forgive, but never forget. And I realize as a former Christian this goes against a core tenet of that belief.  I just think forgetting means foregoing the lesson I would have learnt — not doing that. 

My New Year was 5 hours earlier than most. So to those  that looked to use New Year festivities as an excuse to rekindle ashes; forgive me for not hot boxing my dopamine for 5 whole hours till your clock caught up.

If you know me well, you know what I think of birthdays and New Years. My methods are by no means the standard I want anyone else to adhere to; they just work for me. I encourage people to do what works for them, and not impose their traditions on others.

Oh, by the way. Check this out:

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These are drafts I had planned to release before the 2020 ended but kept re-drafting. Some of them I even  deleted.

 

IMG-8583

I was particularly excited about the DOOM and depression post. If all works out and my research goes well, the post will explore how the game DOOM helped me overcome depression; primarily through it’s music. That’s the long and short of it. As I write this I’m wondering if it’s even worth writing that post since I just broke it all down into one sentence. But I suppose getting deeper into the “why” would be nice. 

Consider this one … is a note to self, jumbled up ideas for different potential posts. Might just delete this; everything in there has been exhausted but it was a good little space for me to save ideas.

 

Thoughts Like A Theme Park (Part 4) continuation of my first ever spoken word series. You can check out the other parts here. I initially wanted to post it in August but plans changed. I will deliver it soon.

 

The Dark Side to Authenticity. I look at how being real/your authentic self can bring many unforeseen dangers (Might as well be a magnet for narcissists and manipulative idiots for starters). I’ve done my best to understand why many people pretend to be who they are not. I don’t agree with their methods, but I’m slowly starting to understand why some people do that. One of the biggest cases I’ve seen is trauma. But more on that when I do more research yeah?

I hope you spent your New Year celebrations doing what you love. 

 

– O.D. ©2021

Loveless Nights And Foaming Rims.

The unnamed guy series 1

Here is the unnamed guy series part 2, spiritual successor to the unnamed girl series; which is already complete, you can check it out here. I’m curious to see where this story goes from here. You’re in, yeah?

********

The cost of being real. No one ever explicitly says it.

You lose everything — you start to question yourself often

Questioning whether you ever truly had anything.

Passing me compliments? Please,

Send those through an indefinite quarantine process

Not everyone means what they say.

And you’d be a fool to think otherwise.

I’m not the hero, nor am I the villain

But I wish I was. That way I could have a role to fill,

To be subservient to the idea of purpose —

Maybe then everything would be a little easier

Seeing everything in black and white like designing a zebra.

But that’s wishful thinking

Once you see much of what this world has

It’s hard to go back. I find love at the bottom of a bottle

The circle that touches the coaster embodies the closest I’ll get to a ring

I don’t mean to get esoteric, but blame that on the formation of language

Never would I spoon feed my struggles solely for your entertainment.

Reality is a fabric I’ve since threaded with my own visions

Took time, but I finally have a picture of God behind my eye lids

They’d call that blasphemy but that’s precisely why I’m not in a church

Look at them, open-minded when the pastor is behind the pulpit,

But as dull as a brick as soon as anyone else speaks.

Double standards like incels and toxic feminists.

I stand at the border of what you have yet to understand

I say this politely but, no matter how tempting, “don’t push me”

Yes, I would fall, but you would be the one to die

Loveless nights, sure — but no one ever said freedom comes free

Fall in love and have a mansion full of kids in peace

And while you’re at it. Speak nothing of me.

I don’t owe anyone but the creator my time.

People threaten to leave like I can’t live without them

You would have had better luck when I was nothing but an infant

I spin my words and meanings into a reality I deem fit

Keeping madness at bay as best I can.

Tomorrow is another day — Another day I get to choose

Another day I get to choose whether I want to go through all of this again or not.

So, until then… ….

…. …. ….

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: StephanePellennec

 

A Series Of Unpopular Opinions (5)

A series of unpopular opinions. Share a thought, no matter how crazy or critique the ones other people have chosen to share. The point is to have fun provided we all keep an open mind and respect each others views. Healthy debates are welcome, extended discussions even more so.

<< Held every Friday >>

 

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I shared five unpopular opinions in the last post. Thank you to those that participated.

 

Unpopular opinion #1 by Ramone

“I have a sort of unpopular opinion depending if you are spiritual or not.
I always hated the concept that we as humans came here with some purpose but just forgot. That is like a man running into a burning house to save a person, but as soon as he enters he forgets why he entered. then the door is shut and locked. so he and the person are stuck in the burning house and both are confused and suffering”

 

Response(s):

Raw Earth Ink  “I tend to agree with Ramone and I don’t subscribe to that belief. For me, it makes no sense at all. It doesn’t take much to look around and the world and the Cosmos to see there is a Designer. It’s not random. I believe deep down we all KNOW why we are here (in a way) but sometimes we just don’t want to admit it”

 

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Unpopular opinion #2Porn is a good thing” by u/Amir-Iran

 

Response(s):

Ramone “I stumbled across porn at too early of a age (before 11). It’s been part of my life since. I don’t think it is about needing sex. I think it is about relief and habit. There are so many men and women who look at porn who are married or dating. To me, porn is like the news: it’s pure entertainment meant to get you off for a short period before moving on. In that sense, porn can be anything that stimulates. Nudity isn’t needed”

 

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Unpopular opinion #3 “Microwaved leftover pizza is 1000x better than fresh pizza”

by u/salted_rock

 

Response(s):

Raw Earth Ink  “I don’t think I have ever had microwave pizza, as I haven’t ever had a microwave. Whenever I had moved in somewhere there is one, I unplug it and put it in the closet. Therefore… well, I just can’t speak to whether it’s tasty or not. I will agree that COLD pizza the following day is good!” 😁

 

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Unpopular opinion #5 “It shouldn’t be seen as disrespectful to wear a hat indoors”

by u/Highlight_Smooth

 

Response(s):

Raw Earth Ink “I tend to agree with this one as well. I have never felt it was disrespectful to wear a hat. Of any kind. Especially in winter when, well at least where I live, it’s cold. Even inside. I’m not sure how or why a hat would be seen as disrespectful. For a man OR a woman. Because I’ve noticed that. It seems okay for women to leave adornment on but not a man?? This makes no sense to me. I’m off to see if I can find out where this thought came from…”

 

Thanks to Raw Earth Ink and Ramone for participating and sharing their thoughts. Without you, this series would not be possible.

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As for today’s unpopular opinion(s). We have three, check them out:

(Note: These opinions are in no way reflective of my personal views or biases; just ones I think will spark interesting dialogue in the comment section):

 

Unpopular opinion #1 Big dicks are overrated by u/paradise1A

Big dicks are overrated, they hurt in most positions and are way too over sexualized. I have been with both guys who are packing and average sized and more times than not, average sized guys are better since they have to compensate for not have a big dick, where a bigger dick automatically thinks he’s good in bed cause the size of his penis. Over all I think average dicks are better than big dicks.

 

Unpopular opinion #2 Small kids should never be allowed to have pets by u/Hickmastafunk

I’ve seen countless stories about smaller animals being abused and not taken care of, and as a person who owns a few guinea pigs, it’s quite disturbing. These animals have feelings too.

People of all ages can be abusive to these animals, I know. But Children seem to do this the most. This usually is NOT their fault, as they either do not understand how to take care of them properly. I believe that a child should have to take some type of test or prove to the person selling these animals that they can take care of them.

It seems absurd, I know. But these are still animals. They can still feel emotion.

I don’t think that this should apply to all animals, however. As some “pets” can be used as food for others. A great example would be buying mice and feeding them to snakes. I only believe the larger of the small pets group should fall under what I believe.

I also don’t know if certain laws are put into place for this. I am an American, after all. I don’t even know if there are laws in other states that have this.

 

Unpopular opinion #3 “Be yourself” is terrible advice by u/perspicaciousguy

Whenever someone asks for advice about how they should act or what direction to go in life a common response is to just tell them to “be yourself” and things will fall into place.

This is extremely unhelpful to the person asking for advice. The reason they are asking is probably because they don’t know themselves. You can choose to do anything you want with life, simply “being yourself” doesn’t mean jack squat.

Much better advice in my opinion is to “be who you want to be”. Take a look at the people in your life, role models, people who you admire. Take the qualities from those people that you like and make them your qualities, ditch the ones you don’t like.

No one in the world is truly “themself”. At the end of the day were all just playing a big game of monkey see monkey do. But we do have the power to choose who we want to be – I think telling people to be themselves just makes them complacent in becoming the people they surround themselves with rather than actually becoming the person they would truly want to be.

 
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Canvas For Welling Tears.

I finished The unnamed girl series roughly a month ago, and it was received better than I expected. For those that don’t know, it’s a six-part anthology expressed through the lenses of a character going through (to avoid spoilers I’ll say) “many things” that are open to interpretation. You can check it out here if you wish to read it; links to all parts are within the post.

The past few days I’ve been reflecting over something else. The Unnamed Guy Series, I never planned on it but it felt like a missed opportunity in retrospect. I obviously don’t want the characters to mirror each other, but I feel I’ve done enough character building to piece this one together. This might be a once-off, let me know what you think and if you’d like to see more of it in the future.

18+  Sexual Themes, Language, Suicide.

 

I don’t talk about my failures.

Not all of them. Can you guess why?

You know why. Because failures are for losers.

It feels good not to think of them;

Don’t give me that look. I don’t want to feel weak.

Nor would you.

 

I hate myself, yet I scream “I love you”

— On the inside —

Hoping saying it enough times will make it true.

A running gag really— I won’t deny it,

Unless you say it in front of my mates.

 

“Also, also, if I may add — you latch onto hurt like an entitled child”

Who the fuck are you?

 

“What? You think anyone would stick around for you?

The REAL you? The best untold joke”

 

Hey, no-one leaves me, I leave them

Looking back. None of them were worth my time anyway.

 

“Sure buddy, Listen — you choose poorly because deep down,

You know, that’s exactly what you’re worth — You say you don’t need anyone

Because it will make living with yourself a whole lot easier”

 

You don’t get to tell that to me unless I do.

When it comes from anyone else, no matter how true

To me, it holds literally no value. 

 

“Loving you is your biggest complication

You wall off — it’s what you’re good at

When people get too close, you push them away

Because it’s getting too real — it terrifies you,

Losing your power.

You want control”

 

And what’s so wrong about that?

You say it like I’m supposed to give it all away.

 

“You’re a good bullshit detector

Because you’re a naturally gifted bull-shitter

I’d tell you to slit your wrists, but knowing you,

It’d be a miracle if you even manage to do that properly.

Remember that night, when you were called a ‘disgrace’?”

 

Would saying “yes” stop you from bothering me?

 

“Don’t interrupt me,

I can rightfully confirm you’re exactly that

But don’t worry — as if you ever do —

You weren’t taught any better,

It’s all about getting the girl and giving her a hard fuck, right?

I know how nice it is, to have an excuse to fall back to

When you don’t act right”

 

That doesn’t sound anything like me!

“Of course! But you sure as hell wish it could be!”

How can I or anyone like me be any better when you only speak of the ugly!?

“Because that’s all there is to fuckin’ see!”

 

You know this world does not reward being real!

Only the best idea of it! So what if I face a hiccup?

I fall and I stand up again! That’s how it works!

I own up and make something out of it!

 

“Hah! Your little tantrum means shit!

You’re nothing! Your worth is in what you have.

Celebrate ‘this’ because that’s as good as it will ever get

-For you. 

Natural selection baby! Life will continue to bend you over

And give you a hard one from behind

And you will learn to like it, maybe even enjoy it — talk about it? No.

Who wants to hear about your limitless failures,

What kind of man are you anyway?”

 

You’re wrong! There’s more to being a man than that!

I’m allowed to have feelings, to be vulne –

 

“Fucking sensitive, god! Have a little grit!

THIS is why people leave. You’re not a pillar.

Talk to me when you learn how to wear pants in relationships alright?

Till then, get under your covers — tug and pull

And when you eventually leave your shell and don’t get loved back?

Make like an incel and blame everyone around you, except you.

Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone”

 

You’ve said a lot. I’ll be completely honest about one thing.

You’re the voice I dream of killing.

 

“I’m you, so you know exactly what that means”

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by:  StephanePellennec

A Series Of Unpopular Opinions (3)

A series of unpopular opinions. Share a thought, no matter how crazy or critique the ones other people choose to share. The point is to have fun provided we all keep an open mind and respect each others views. Healthy debates are welcome, extended discussions even more so.

*******************************************************

I shared three unpopular opinions in the last post. Thank you to those that responded. I have also added responses made in the first post of this series. Be sure to check all of their blogs (links attached to their names):

(1) Unpopular opinion #1 – We are not happy. We are distracted. The human experience without distractions is fundamentally depressing and full of existential dread unless we tune in to our favorite TV shows or buy a new set of clothes to keep our thoughts occupied.

Response(s):

sjk44  “I agree with opinion #1. It so my life. Just keeping busy to stop yourself falling apart”

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(2) Unpopular opinion #1 When you say “I love you” to your partner you shouldn’t expect them to say it back; especially if it’s the first time. People can be entitled to many things, but someone else’s love is not one of them. 

Response(s):

Raw Earth Ink “Okay, so yeah… number one. Totally agree. I don’t like manipulation. This can be a form of it. I should be able to say “I love you” in truthfulness and as my spirit moves me, not as a knee-jerk response. (I compare it to when someone says “hi how are you” and the immediate response is “fine thank you”…. how about some honesty. Do you care about how that person actually is? Are you really fine?)”

Paula Light “Only say ILY if you mean it. I’ve made the mistake of saying it when I didn’t mean it, and predictable results followed 🙁

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(2) Unpopular opinion #2 Mushrooms are disgusting. I’ve never found the appeal.

Response(s):

Raw Earth InkMushrooms. Not a huge fan either. I am okay with them sparsely used and only like the little brown ones”

Paula LightI love mushrooms!” 😂

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(2) Unpopular opinion #3 It’s stupid how men are somewhat still expected to make the first move. What is this — the 50s?

Response(s):

Raw Earth Ink “I guess it depends on the definition of “first move”. I think anyone can express their feelings first”

Paula Light I’ve made the first move many times and it didn’t work out well. I think men my age may SAY they like it, but they don’t really. Too much cultural brainwashing…”

Thanks to Raw Earth Ink , Paula Light and sjk44 for participating and sharing their thoughts. Much love ❤

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random_idea_by_snatti89_dc31yul-fullview

As for today’s unpopular opinion(s). I decided to scour the internet (and by ‘internet’ I mean reddit lol) for ones I could find; there are only so many unpopular opinions I can personally dish out before I start reaching. Here are some I found

(Note: These opinions are in no way reflective of my personal views or biases; just ones I think will spark interesting dialogue in the comment section):

Unpopular opinion #1 Boobs are overrated”  by u/Shadowthelogical

Unpopular opinion #2 You should be fired if you talk about church at work”  by [deleted]

Unpopular opinion #3 British accents sound stupid”  by [deleted]

Unpopular opinion #4 You are not racist if you hate illegal immigrants” by u/Cole-Rex

Unpopular opinion #5 You can’t be a real adult until you leave your parents house” by [deleted]

Most of the accounts with the most controversial opinions were [deleted] by the users and I’m assuming it’s because their chats were getting spammed with hate or something. Lol some of those “unpopular opinions” though, damn 😂

What are your thoughts and opinions? Let me know in the comments. I’ll be sure to link your contribution to your blog for all the credit.

See you in the comments(?)

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: snatti89

Do you miss my poetry? Don’t you worry, It’s coming back soon. In the meantime you can check out my recent spoken word poem Thoughts Like A Theme Park (Part 3) in case you missed it.

A Series Of Unpopular Opinions (2)

A series of unpopular opinions. Share a thought, no matter how crazy or critique the ones other people choose to share. The point is to have fun provided we all keep an open mind and respect each others views. Healthy debates are welcome, extended discussions even more so.

 

*******************************************************

I shared five unpopular opinions in my last post, some of them received much appreciated responses. Thank you to those that responded, be sure to check out their blogs (links attached to their names):

Unpopular opinion #1 – We are not happy. We are distracted. The human experience without distractions is fundamentally depressing and full of existential dread unless we tune in to our favorite TV shows or buy a new set of clothes to keep our thoughts occupied.

 

Response(s):

Paula Light “Agree with the happiness one. Our culture in the US frowns upon any expression of unhappiness even if it’s totally logical to be unhappy. If you say you are, people will reply with some trite nonsense about “silver linings” or whatever crap. So, we pretend to be happy no matter what. The TV is on to distract us, yep!”

 

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Unpopular opinion #2 – Having a brand tag on your clothing makes you a walking advertisement for that company. Status is what you think you gain from showing the brand logo but you are essentially paying for the ‘privilege’ to market their goods for them wherever you go.

 

Response(s): 

Anne Leueene “I am personally allergic to this thing of a name tag on an article of clothing. I have paid for the darned thing so why should I have to advertise that the bag is made by Michael Kors or the t shirt by Aeropostale???? Annoying!”

 

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morning_coffe_by_snatti89_dbcg8c2-fullview

As for today’s unpopular opinion(s):

Unpopular opinion #1 When you say “I love you” to your partner you shouldn’t expect them to say it back; especially if it’s the first time. People can be entitled to many things, but someone else’s love is not one of them. 

Unpopular opinion #2 Mushrooms are disgusting. I’ve never found the appeal.

Unpopular opinion #3 It’s stupid how men are somewhat still expected to make the first move. What is this — the 50s?

 

Thoughts? Opinions? Let me know in the comments. I’ll be sure to link the contribution to your blog for all the credit.

Thanks again to Paula Light and Anne Leueene for their continued support.

 You two are superstars ❤

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by: snatti89

 

A Series Of Unpopular Opinions (1)

I’ve been thinking of starting this series for a couple of days now. The point is to share my own unpopular opinions as well as those that come from others. Hopefully, we can have a lively discussion in the comments as the series gains traction. You are welcome to share your own unpopular opinions on anything in the world and I will feature it in future posts of this series.

Seeing as this is the debut, instead of one unpopular opinion I’m going to share a number of them. They are all open to critique. Let’s all try and keep an open mind and be respectful of other peoples views.

Unpopular opinion #1 – We are not happy. We are distracted. The human experience without distractions is fundamentally depressing and full of existential dread unless we tune in to our favourite TV shows or buy a new set of clothes to keep our thoughts occupied.

 

Unpopular opinion #2 – Having a brand tag on your clothing makes you a walking advertisement for that company. Status is what you think you gain from showing the brand logo but you are essentially paying for the ‘privilege’ to market their goods for them wherever you go.

 

Unpopular opinion #3 – Despite how dangerous it is to take a shower during a thunderstorm. I find it to be more immersive and engaging to the senses compared to a shower on a normal day. 

 

Unpopular opinion #4 – When a baby is born people will tell you how “sweet” or “cute” the baby looks. In truth, most of them don’t really think that but would rather avoid hurting your feelings.

 

Thoughts? Let me know in the comments. And remember to share your own unpopular opinions. I will share them in future posts of the series with full credit to you, or you can stay anonymous. Your choice.

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by: snatti89

 

The Else-world Inclination.

dd73zz7-2485096e-9b7c-46a0-ba30-2f4b1822c9f5

*Scribbles* “Okay, Okay Last question — I swear”

“Somehow, I doubt that”

*Ahem* “I’ve been observing everything for a while now.

Tell me, does life for you humans ever get any easier?”

“I don’t know. But if it does, do let me know”

“Yikes. I don’t think I could last a day. How do you cope with all the madness?”

“I mean, you’re ‘here’ aren’t you…”

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: snatti89

 

Anyone else remember the Ridiculousiology series? No? I surely do. Had decided to end it at part 4 but then snatti89 added more art with the charming penguin and I felt compelled to add the final, “Final” part to the series.

No promises, who knows how many more final parts I’ll think of adding to this. On the plus side, it will be consistent with the theme of the entire series.

 

Ridiculousiology 1 

Ridiculousiology 2  

 Ridiculousiology (3): Friendly-fire edition

Ridiculousiology 4

This Alphabet Is Missing An “F”.

I’ve never liked living in the same space with other people far longer than I have to. Sometimes — *scoffs* who am I kidding saying sometimes? I ALWAYS prefer staying alone. Just the thought of hearing someone fidgeting in the other room annoys me to no end. Living alone means I can hear myself better. Also, My home is set up in a way that makes sense to me, there are things I’ve placed in questionable places. ‘Questionable’, according to a stranger’s standards. But who cares what the stranger thinks of my home? I see my thoughts and headspace the same way — don’t enter unless you’re invited. To be fair, people are rarely, if ever, invited.

Sure – check out the entrance, scope out the terrace — use the bathroom if you have to. But while you’re at it, don’t ask me why the green door is locked. It’s locked — correct me if I’m wrong but, that’s none of your business right? What are you? The door police?

[insert laugh track]

I have good news though. If you don’t like locked doors in other people’s spaces — Leave. then go to your place and initiate a ribbon cutting ceremony for you, the stray cat and all your neighbors. I’d like to believe we’ll all be happy that way.

I hear its unhealthy for me to want to be alone this much. True, I’m open to accept that, but if its about choosing which hell I’m willing to go through. The hell of being stuck in solitude is far more favorable to me than being stuck with a bunch of people. Far too many variables. Nothing against people in general, but I find them incredibly frustrating, annoying and at times boring. If you have a halo floating above your head — that was your cue to know this isn’t an entirely wholesome prose piece. I’m not exactly known for being the best light bearer, but believe me I try, but there comes a point …

What was it that Kurt Cobain said?

“I would rather be hated for who I am, than be loved for who I am not”

That quote — that quote comes the closest to describing how I feel, about pretty much everything. I could tell you all the things you want to hear, make you happy, but at what cost? My sanity for one. Spending most of my time alone means I don’t get the chance to ruin someone else’s day or whatever expectations they have of me. I kid you not, the only motivation I had for leaving home and venturing out on my own and doing my own thing was just to have a place to call my own. To wake up and decide how I’m going to ruin my day as opposed to having someone do it for me. It was never about getting a big house, a big car, a wife and whatever else society considers as the best sequence of events. I am completely hard-wired to be me, kissing up to people just isn’t part of my dna. And you can damn well be certain that anyone is expendable in my pursuit to continue being myself; don’t try and stop me, because I will never change myself for anyone. No-one is worth that much to me.

I don’t have friends, I have people I know. This means I talk to a lot of people, but I wouldn’t call them friends. Honestly? I’m not really trying to find any. I already wrote my reasoning for this here if you want to see, not looking to say it again.

Meeting people as an adult feels like a lotto draw, sometimes you get lucky, and sometimes you find duds. Judgmental, superficial, manipulative, narcissistic, one-track minded people who — admittedly — have worth, because they serve as the best examples of what not to associate yourself with.

Look, I’m an idiot, I know this — I say it all the time — I can even laugh about it — but there is only so much stupid I can tolerate in my life. I’m constantly working on my myself, trying to find the best ways to improve. Reining in as much stupid as I can so it doesn’t cause unnecessary harm to others. Or worse, add to the stupid that has already been allowed to enter existence. I try and avoid harm that could easily be avoided if I took one minute —- just one more f*cking minute to think about what I’m about to say. But you know what, for some people, one minute is far too much time to be wasting in your head, gotta get that clumsy thought out there while its still hot.

I have many colorful words to describe what those people are to me. But I choose not to use them (Who knows, I might change my mind mid-piece)

I can get extremely critical of others. More so in the company of hypocrites/pathological liars — worse if I’m pushed into a corner by said hypocrites/pathological liars. Judging me, from what pedestal exactly? Calling me selfish for not sharing my inner thoughts? Do you really care or are you just curious. Your answer won’t matter, because you’re a chronic liar, remember? The reason you think you’re so clever is because I don’t call you out. Why would I take it upon myself to dive into your cesspool of acid, especially when I don’t feel like it, to sort out your mess. If you’re feeling miserable over there, don’t come over to me so you can web me into your misery. If you feel inadequate, do it waaay over there, not anywhere near me.

How can you get offended when you learn I don’t need you to live; were you in the womb with me? Didn’t think so. How can you ask me why I don’t share my opinion when your low self-esteem beckons you to always try and get a one-up. When you turn simple conversations into competitions. Is your entire perception of existence shaped like a ventilation shaft?

Apart from being labeled as an alcoholic. What do you call it when I need some kind of vice to go through an entire conversation without feeling compelled to point out how ridiculous some of the things I’m told sound? I hate (not dislike) hate confrontations. Especially when I’m trying to help but it’s misconstrued as an attack. You have to go through the rigmarole of proving why it’s wrong first, and if you are oh-so-lucky, you get to go back and forth with the person till they become comfortable with the idea. Look, I’m not saying people should change what they feel about something just because someone says so. But I’m also saying I wont go through the hassle of correcting people when I rarely (if ever) feel like it. Its exhausting and at times futile. What next? Pinning their diaper. Ugh, I don’t have time for that. You’d be surprised how many logical inconsistencies you can avoid with a little research. But no, it’s much easier when you choose to be lazy to think.

The other day I laughed to myself, thinking about how If something were to happen to me, anyone who decides to check my browser history would be in for a surprise. Might even see something they didn’t know they needed to see. Also, the Google searches I’ve had to input in the name of researching for my manuscript would leave you in a, uh, “state”, I should say. But I’m getting side tracked …

I can be called toxic, harsh or whichever word makes people feel like dolling out justice on my personal truths. But don’t mistake me for someone who will look at your words and re-think their life choices. Starting my blog in 2014, I cared so much about how many followers I had. I cared about how many people commented and liked my posts. Of course I still do, to some extent — but only as a way to see my growth on this platform and not as a conveyance of my success in life. Noone wants to do something for absolutely nothing.

I was hooked on the high, because it was nice; seeing your post booming. Linking my worth to the amount of people that told me how good my writing is, seeking validation, you name it. Now, none of that applies. I don’t give a f*ck what anyone thinks about what I do and who I am. But it’s rude to say it out loud, so I keep quiet when they say whatever they consider to be reprimands of my character.

This change isn’t something that happened over night. Many things happened to warrant this. Some of which I have written over the years.

My co-worker asked me one morning “Who broke your heart?”. Funny question, welcome one too. I told her “No one in particular“. I’ve just come to learn a lot growing up. And I fear what else I’ll be learning past this point. After all, I’ve learnt that no-one is reliable, according my ridiculous and definitely fictional standards. I’ve learnt that love is conditional; I’ve learnt that even when you keep an open mind, even when you love someone far more than you should (in my experience) that’s hardly ever enough. Which, to me, makes romance a futile venture. Your heart doesn’t pay the bills, does it, darling?

I’ve learnt those I called ‘heroes’ are only human. That cheating has become a rite of passage and that charming mentors can sometimes be aspiring cult leaders. I’ve learnt no matter how much I may try to be kind there will always be a moron out there who will see it as weakness. I’ve learnt not to blame the world for my mistakes; to be responsible. I’ve learnt that those you value can sometimes cherish their belongings far more than they do you. I’ve learnt that the world is full of people who wish to be other people; sometimes you. I’ve learnt that those who ask you to trust them are usually the least trustworthy. I’ve learnt that words lost their meaning long before I was born. I’ve learnt that no matter how bad things get, it can always, always get worse. I’ve learnt … … I stopped myself from going deeper. It only gets darker down there and I don’t want to bring anyone down with me. Though if you’ve read this far you were probably aware of the risks involved.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and say. Yeah, I’m done. F this world and whoever thinks there’s an easy solve for every little thing. F that guy who always wants the last say in everything. F that moron I’ve caught one too many times about to let the N-word slip from their lips in my presence (No, you didn’t get away with it. But I now know you at the very least say it in my absence). But you know what, you’re not that important to me anyway.

… Sometimes, before I walk away from the mirror I say maybe…. maybe, not yet. If I’m going out, it won’t be because of those losers. Surely I’m worth more than that.

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: AngelGanev