This Alphabet Is Missing An “F”.

I’ve never liked living in the same space with other people far longer than I have to. Sometimes — *scoffs* who am I kidding saying sometimes? I ALWAYS prefer staying alone. Just the thought of hearing someone fidgeting in the other room annoys me to no end. Living alone means I can hear myself better. Also, My home is set up in a way that makes sense to me, there are things I’ve placed in questionable places. ‘Questionable’, according to a stranger’s standards. But who cares what the stranger thinks of my home? I see my thoughts and headspace the same way — don’t enter unless you’re invited. To be fair, people are rarely, if ever, invited.

Sure – check out the entrance, scope out the terrace — use the bathroom if you have to. But while you’re at it, don’t ask me why the green door is locked. It’s locked — correct me if I’m wrong but, that’s none of your business right? What are you? The door police?

[insert laugh track]

I have good news though. If you don’t like locked doors in other people’s spaces — Leave. then go to your place and initiate a ribbon cutting ceremony for you, the stray cat and all your neighbors. I’d like to believe we’ll all be happy that way.

I hear its unhealthy for me to want to be alone this much. True, I’m open to accept that, but if its about choosing which hell I’m willing to go through. The hell of being stuck in solitude is far more favorable to me than being stuck with a bunch of people. Far too many variables. Nothing against people in general, but I find them incredibly frustrating, annoying and at times boring. If you have a halo floating above your head — that was your cue to know this isn’t an entirely wholesome prose piece. I’m not exactly known for being the best light bearer, but believe me I try, but there comes a point …

What was it that Kurt Cobain said?

“I would rather be hated for who I am, than be loved for who I am not”

That quote — that quote comes the closest to describing how I feel, about pretty much everything. I could tell you all the things you want to hear, make you happy, but at what cost? My sanity for one. Spending most of my time alone means I don’t get the chance to ruin someone else’s day or whatever expectations they have of me. I kid you not, the only motivation I had for leaving home and venturing out on my own and doing my own thing was just to have a place to call my own. To wake up and decide how I’m going to ruin my day as opposed to having someone do it for me. It was never about getting a big house, a big car, a wife and whatever else society considers as the best sequence of events. I am completely hard-wired to be me, kissing up to people just isn’t part of my dna. And you can damn well be certain that anyone is expendable in my pursuit to continue being myself; don’t try and stop me, because I will never change myself for anyone. No-one is worth that much to me.

I don’t have friends, I have people I know. This means I talk to a lot of people, but I wouldn’t call them friends. Honestly? I’m not really trying to find any. I already wrote my reasoning for this here if you want to see, not looking to say it again.

Meeting people as an adult feels like a lotto draw, sometimes you get lucky, and sometimes you find duds. Judgmental, superficial, manipulative, narcissistic, one-track minded people who — admittedly — have worth, because they serve as the best examples of what not to associate yourself with.

Look, I’m an idiot, I know this — I say it all the time — I can even laugh about it — but there is only so much stupid I can tolerate in my life. I’m constantly working on my myself, trying to find the best ways to improve. Reining in as much stupid as I can so it doesn’t cause unnecessary harm to others. Or worse, add to the stupid that has already been allowed to enter existence. I try and avoid harm that could easily be avoided if I took one minute —- just one more f*cking minute to think about what I’m about to say. But you know what, for some people, one minute is far too much time to be wasting in your head, gotta get that clumsy thought out there while its still hot.

I have many colorful words to describe what those people are to me. But I choose not to use them (Who knows, I might change my mind mid-piece)

I can get extremely critical of others. More so in the company of hypocrites/pathological liars — worse if I’m pushed into a corner by said hypocrites/pathological liars. Judging me, from what pedestal exactly? Calling me selfish for not sharing my inner thoughts? Do you really care or are you just curious. Your answer won’t matter, because you’re a chronic liar, remember? The reason you think you’re so clever is because I don’t call you out. Why would I take it upon myself to dive into your cesspool of acid, especially when I don’t feel like it, to sort out your mess. If you’re feeling miserable over there, don’t come over to me so you can web me into your misery. If you feel inadequate, do it waaay over there, not anywhere near me.

How can you get offended when you learn I don’t need you to live; were you in the womb with me? Didn’t think so. How can you ask me why I don’t share my opinion when your low self-esteem beckons you to always try and get a one-up. When you turn simple conversations into competitions. Is your entire perception of existence shaped like a ventilation shaft?

Apart from being labeled as an alcoholic. What do you call it when I need some kind of vice to go through an entire conversation without feeling compelled to point out how ridiculous some of the things I’m told sound? I hate (not dislike) hate confrontations. Especially when I’m trying to help but it’s misconstrued as an attack. You have to go through the rigmarole of proving why it’s wrong first, and if you are oh-so-lucky, you get to go back and forth with the person till they become comfortable with the idea. Look, I’m not saying people should change what they feel about something just because someone says so. But I’m also saying I wont go through the hassle of correcting people when I rarely (if ever) feel like it. Its exhausting and at times futile. What next? Pinning their diaper. Ugh, I don’t have time for that. You’d be surprised how many logical inconsistencies you can avoid with a little research. But no, it’s much easier when you choose to be lazy to think.

The other day I laughed to myself, thinking about how If something were to happen to me, anyone who decides to check my browser history would be in for a surprise. Might even see something they didn’t know they needed to see. Also, the Google searches I’ve had to input in the name of researching for my manuscript would leave you in a, uh, “state”, I should say. But I’m getting side tracked …

I can be called toxic, harsh or whichever word makes people feel like dolling out justice on my personal truths. But don’t mistake me for someone who will look at your words and re-think their life choices. Starting my blog in 2014, I cared so much about how many followers I had. I cared about how many people commented and liked my posts. Of course I still do, to some extent — but only as a way to see my growth on this platform and not as a conveyance of my success in life. Noone wants to do something for absolutely nothing.

I was hooked on the high, because it was nice; seeing your post booming. Linking my worth to the amount of people that told me how good my writing is, seeking validation, you name it. Now, none of that applies. I don’t give a f*ck what anyone thinks about what I do and who I am. But it’s rude to say it out loud, so I keep quiet when they say whatever they consider to be reprimands of my character.

This change isn’t something that happened over night. Many things happened to warrant this. Some of which I have written over the years.

My co-worker asked me one morning “Who broke your heart?”. Funny question, welcome one too. I told her “No one in particular“. I’ve just come to learn a lot growing up. And I fear what else I’ll be learning past this point. After all, I’ve learnt that no-one is reliable, according my ridiculous and definitely fictional standards. I’ve learnt that love is conditional; I’ve learnt that even when you keep an open mind, even when you love someone far more than you should (in my experience) that’s hardly ever enough. Which, to me, makes romance a futile venture. Your heart doesn’t pay the bills, does it, darling?

I’ve learnt those I called ‘heroes’ are only human. That cheating has become a rite of passage and that charming mentors can sometimes be aspiring cult leaders. I’ve learnt no matter how much I may try to be kind there will always be a moron out there who will see it as weakness. I’ve learnt not to blame the world for my mistakes; to be responsible. I’ve learnt that those you value can sometimes cherish their belongings far more than they do you. I’ve learnt that the world is full of people who wish to be other people; sometimes you. I’ve learnt that those who ask you to trust them are usually the least trustworthy. I’ve learnt that words lost their meaning long before I was born. I’ve learnt that no matter how bad things get, it can always, always get worse. I’ve learnt … … I stopped myself from going deeper. It only gets darker down there and I don’t want to bring anyone down with me. Though if you’ve read this far you were probably aware of the risks involved.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and say. Yeah, I’m done. F this world and whoever thinks there’s an easy solve for every little thing. F that guy who always wants the last say in everything. F that moron I’ve caught one too many times about to let the N-word slip from their lips in my presence (No, you didn’t get away with it. But I now know you at the very least say it in my absence). But you know what, you’re not that important to me anyway.

… Sometimes, before I walk away from the mirror I say maybe…. maybe, not yet. If I’m going out, it won’t be because of those losers. Surely I’m worth more than that.

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: AngelGanev

The Maker’s Star Seed.

I looked into the abyss and lived to tell you all about it

Didn’t leave unscathed though, take a look at my heart —

Notice the battle scars — how they embellish over my blood pump

With the subtlety of post-war badges.

God penned the dots in my eyes with the cosmic strength of black holes

Rarely — if ever —do words escape the pull of my gaze.

I am a star-eyed dragon, the kind you find hidden in the pages of a book long forgotten

With each word I write, I light a fire —when I speak, I light an unseen pyre,

Averting the gaze of those trapped inside the darkness.

See, most people would rather spend a majority of their lives

Waiting eagerly for their genius to be verified.

… and of course; you’d be right in thinking,

I’m not one of them.

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: CaringWong

I’m a complete idiot and I love it.

The Safety Of My Mind’s Prison.

Love?

I understand love

As the willingness

To eventually get hurt.

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: Gydw1n

Drizzles, Giggles And A List Of Life’s Riddles.

When you see someone fall,

Don’t laugh.

We’re all falling; you’re no better,

For simply falling slower.

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: Gydw1n

Finite-State Machine.

There was no we,

Only what she needed me to be.

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: Gydw1n

Three Ceilings Below.

A part of me longs to form a bond.

A bond so strong, It involuntarily phases in and out

Of the spiritual realm.

A bond, that makes death nothing more than a checkpoint;

Thereby materializing, growing ever-stronger in the hereafter.

A part of me sees this “longing”

As nothing but wishful thinking;

The floundering of a mad man anchored to the bottom

Of the deep blue sea –

Drowning, desperately trying to hold onto something –

Anything – to keep me afloat;

Leaning on “hope” to make this far-flung dream;

A reality.

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: Gydw1n  

Pathing.

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The logic I find myself having to cater to

Runs in line with delegating a blind man

To address the overbearing elephant in the room.

Hell, I’m patient — but I’m not God — good too

‘Cause If I was,

Noah would have already built another ark.

 

Don’t be quick to adorn your robes eager arbiter

When it comes to the exploration of this medium

I express with the same finesse you’ve come to expect

When I inject — parts of me yet unseen

Onto the page, in a way, that pushes to motivate,

And encourage you, to have a better day.

 

I make it no secret, my frustrations have long since peaked

Appealing to my humanity means being open to an orbit of bad choices

Do we call it bad judgement or karmic justice?

When each attempt to connect

Threads with branches that carry values and reasons

As fleeting as each season.

 

 Tell me, is this the real world, or is this a simulation?

A rotation, of now and the time

It wasn’t a choice for me to be this clean-shaven.

Please excuse me, my mane has a habit of going all over the place

Much like the tendrils that latch onto my brain

All Cthulhu-like; stretching straight out of deep space.

 

I see patterns and symbols in my sleep;

Unfit for the terrestrial mind.

And when I wake, I’m hit by a pang of guilt

As I’m flooded by visions of a time when I still tried.

 

I don’t need platitudes to do the right thing

I need only look at what I am now and fear

What I will be if I don’t change my ways.

In the end, I don’t fight because you told me to,

I fight because I don’t have a choice.

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by: Gydw1n 

 

 

 

 

Creative (Collaboration)

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My collaboration with Tara from the blog Raw Earth Ink. I’ve always enjoyed her writing and how immersive it is, if you have not yet followed her I suggest you do. She has some amazing poetry, you won’t be disappointed.

 

******

 

To get the ink flowing, sating the creative in me

I could share a tale of how constellations first have to combine

Over the cosmos, in a way that forms an image,

Drawing the best of my imagination;

But – as always – I’d be getting ahead of myself,

After all, to begin writing,

I’d need not look further than anything around me.

 

Really, the first thing I do

Is look inside myself while I’m looking out

Sure, the world around me

Provides excellent inspiration,

Both good and dark,

But if I’m honest with myself

(And I have to be, to write)

It’s the inner things, 

My thoughts and experiences, 

That I really draw upon.

 

… And draw upon them I do

With such fiendish precision.

Thoughts and feelings curating,

Procedurally generating… Art,

Straight from the heart.

 

These thoughts, ideas, and emotions

Swirling and mixing inside me

Come pouring out in rivulets and swells.

They appear as nouns and axioms,

Run-on sentences and adverbs,

Semi-colons and hyperbole.

There are no rules, only the need

To release.

 

Raw Earth Ink & O.D. ©2020

 

Art by:  Gydw1n

HopePunk ^_^

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Part 5 in the unnamed girl series

Here’s Part 12 , 3 and 4

 

******

 

What do I want for my birthday? Pfft.

Come on Dad, we all know being coy isn’t your thing.

Right, Ma? My selection is easy …

It can be a dog,

It can be a cat,

Or, if you’re feeling particularly generous, 

It can be your lips kissing the end of my baseball bat.

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by: superschool48

 

I was pleasantly surprised by the reception to this series. More for those who enjoy it 🙂 . Will only continue when there’s still a story worth telling. But the ending is surely coming very soon.

Rings Rhymes With Strings.

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Part 3 in the unnamed girl series. 

Here’s Part 1 and 2

 

******

 

When I imagine people mingling in my home

My skin crawls.

I don’t have a problem with them

But all I see are their noses

Sucking up much of the same air I do

Breathing much of the same breath.

 

I get a little anxious, claustrophobic even,

But later on, I calm down.

Like my Ma used to say, “Everything will be alright”

Because they’ll eventually leave — because I’ve seen worse —

I’ve seen marriage.

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by: AngelGanev 

 

I’ve probably been enjoying writing this character a lot more than anything lately. Imagining what goes on in her headspace is quite interesting.

Maybe I’ll continue her story if I get another muse strike.