O.D.

If Compassion, Patience and Reason fail to pull someone out of the darkness

I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news is:

You don’t have to continue beating a dead horse.

The bad news?

Dove, the spirit you were trying to save was no longer human.

– O.D. ©2022

Art by: Kuvshinov-Ilya

“Oh my god no! By selling yourself as a good friend you’ve just shown how you’re anything but!”

And you know what, you’re kinda right. It’s like that situation when someone says “You can trust me” as if you’re meant to implicitly intuit they’re trustworthy.

See, if you read the title without choosing to go any deeper, you’ll likely come to the conclusion that I’m fishing for validation. That’s a valid assumption, and you’re welcome to take it — I don’t argue over wrong assumptions.

However, if you want to read and find out why I’m making this bold claim, the doors are open.

Disclaimer: I believe there are many variations of good friends — archetypes, if you will. All of them are necessary in their own way. I won’t be speaking about all of them. I will only be speaking about my own variation and what it brings to the table.

#1 – I Won’t Pamper You

I respect your autonomy and abilities as a human being; you’re living, just as much as everyone else. You don’t need my supply of good words to keep on being awesome. Also, point #3 already has you covered. No need to abuse it.

Note: Also, don’t pamper me, there’s nothing I find more insulting — which obviously isn’t an open invitation for you to go on the other end of the spectrum and be an a**hole. To be fair, if you apply this kind of semantic voodoo to your reasoning we’re likely not friends.

I’m not in the habit of making friends with noise.

#2 – I Will Never Rely On You

It’s important to define what “relying” means in this specific context. I won’t depend on you. For anything. 

Ask for help? Sure. I may want help with something — but I won’t make you an arbiter over the matter. That’s a personal rule I apply to everyone.

This is good.

Because it means we’re not friends out of a desire for resources. We’re friends because we chose each other to be friends.

No transactional bias — Well, no conscious transactional bias at least. (Read the post “Conversation Economies And Vanity Traps” for added context).

#3 – I’ve been told I’m a Healer

One of the many reasons I don’t pamper is because I’m a natural pamper-(rer) (?)

The problem I’ve often noticed is that when I sometimes help pull someone out of their rut; they expect me to be able to do that every single time. I obviously can’t.

There’s a transference of energy from myself to the other person every time this happens, because in helping I make that person a priority. I will share what I’ve observed about them and act as a counter-weight to their spike in depression. I won’t tell them nice things just for the sake of it; I will deep dive with them into a kind of mind-melding.

It’s a big responsibility, but I take it on when I care enough to call someone my friend. Otherwise no. It’s not my job.

#4 – I Care Enough To Call You Out

I do, I really do. I’m careful with how I approach it too.

We need to be on the same page so you notice I’m not trying to attack you. Only help.

Sometimes my approach is not perfect, I’m human. However, the reason stays the same. I’m trying to help you avoid making the same mistake again.

I’m calling you out because I actually care. It takes effort doing something like that because:

1) I need to tell you where I’m coming from.

2) Why I’m choosing to tell you now .

3) Potentially prepare to debunk your rebuttal (which is often a waste of time because I don’t speak on others unless I’ve taken time to observe them thoroughly) but I’ll do it anyway because you’re my friend.

Now, If I just let you be a problem …

Should tell you where we stand on the friendship-o-meter.

#5 – Open Minded Doesn’t Even Begin To Describe ….

Do you like anal? Do you like BDSM? Do you like writing fanfic of how the princess kisses the frog — it doesn’t turn into a prince — but she has sex with it anyway?

Do you have specific political leanings? Do you dress to keep society happy though you’re a nudist? Do you believe the Earth is flat? Do you think Santa is real? Have you spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out if you can communicate with your cat with different meow inflections?

Listen, I don’t care. Do your thing.

I only have a few exceptions. Don’t make fun of other people; particularly the ones who’ve done nothing wrong to you. You have your oddities. I have mine. What makes other people’s oddities so different (minus crime-related).

And don’t derive pleasure from other peoples suffering. It’s very telling.

#6 – You Don’t Need To Know I’m Not Listening

Scenario: You’ve had a hard day. All you can think about is sharing it with someone.

Enter – Le O.D.

So you gush about Steve at work and how he’s not doing his part in the group project and how your boss is —

*bzzzzt*

I’m gonna zone out, sorry. BUT, you don’t need to know that part. You just need a sounding board. You just need the impression that someone is listening.

The part where I come in is when you ask for advice, I can offer that. But as your friend, you need to understand, the complaining part isn’t really helping. What you actually need, is a solution.

And from one friend to another, you don’t want to subjugate me to your personal hell, do you? I mean, that’s kinda cruel when you think about it lol

“Here, listen to my BAD day. Listen to every detail and feel how I feel about my BAD day”

And now that I’ve said this, a lot of people that I know IRL are going to be making sure I’m listening when they start their Rube Goldbergian rants. But I have some bad news for you:

It only proves how compliant you are to my suggestions. Please be yourself.

And thanks for reading.

#7 – I Know A lot, But Not Enough To Save The World (Search: “What Is A Genius?” for further clarification).

I’m not even gonna be humble about this. I love how intelligent I am. In the realm of friendship, I can help with creative problem-solving. I happen to be really good at it. I can also make you laugh when I feel like it.

Please stow away the pitchforks. I haven’t cashed in a single brag chip this year. This is it. Let me have it. It’s like — what — one paragraph?

Lol Don’t be greedy, Reader.

Besides, I have an ego-death coming soon.

#8 – I Would Probably Die For You

“Probably” — don’t get too excited.

*********

Be good friends to your friends.

They chose you for a reason.

Choose them back, or don’t choose them at all.

Just don’t waste their time.

– O.D. ©2022

Art by: ArthurHenri

I always like to imagine every person as a living, breathing planet of complications. Carrying a level of depth that literally noone could ever fathom. To be honest, I see that depth in myself and simply translate it to everyone else.

This conceptualization is entirely deliberate because I modelled it after our shared reality of Earth.

We know a lot about Earth, but we don’t know everything. Hell, we’ve only mapped 20% of the global seafloor as of 2021 (Yet the ocean holds roughly 70% of the Earth’s surface). Keyword being  “mapping”, that’s not even counting the sea life that’s yet to be discovered.

When you take that same complexity and apply it to people, you’ll start to see why I call grandiose intuitives idiots. Why I hate anyone who discourages people from pursuing their dreams. Because somehow, they can just “tell” when someone is not good enough; without actual evidence. And even in the presence of evidence. What’s the harm in trying when the person knows the risks involved.

(Oh, but O.D. “hate” is such a big word) You’re damn right it is. And if you ask me, when it comes to people like that, “hate” isn’t entirely big enough.

**********

People often tell me that I seem aloof; that I don’t seem to care about much and I’m unaffected. I get how it might look that way, I’m not a highly reactive person.

I do care, a lot actually. However …

I’ve trained myself to only care about what matters to me. About things I can actively participate in and “fix” within my proximity — geographically and interpersonally.

There’s a lot to care about in this world, but I can’t care about everything. Not without losing some serious bandwidth.

There’s a lot happening in the world at any given moment; being part of it all is a level of ambition I’m not aspiring towards.

********

I’m not religious. Those that have followed me long enough know this.

Some part of me believes I would have enjoyed the Bible a lot more if I wasn’t taught about it in small bits and pieces.

One day I would get taught about Moses — the next — I would learn about Cain and Abel. A few weeks later, a pastor would parse their interpretation regarding the Garden of Eden. 

I keep thinking: If I consumed the holy book in chronological order, I would probably have a better sense of structure before the breakdowns. As it stood, I was getting spoilers after spoilers. 

Lol I’m being facetious. But it’s a thought that dawned on me. We all learn differently.

*********

I was reminded about one of my pet peeves this past week. Using unnecessarily complicated words. I know being pretentious is, in many ways, subjective. But some people turn it into a sport. 

The irony does not fly over my head. My poetry has all manner of flair and bedazzling reflective of being pretentious. In fact, I would go as far as calling it that.

However, words in my poetry are arranged in a way that encourages the reader to use their imagination; it accounts for assonance, alliteration, rhythm e.t.c. There’s no way I can be a poet and not sound pretentious. But I don’t actually talk like that IRL.

Imagine speaking like that to someone asking for directions:

“Sir, we’re north of the equator.

The longitudinal lines mark your point of destination in the East.

Follow the swift summer winds.

E-T-A ten minutes”

If you don’t punch me when I talk like that, I’ll do it myself

(Obviously don’t punch people …… In public)

One of my good buddies said some of these people might feel intimidated, so they try to sound deep and knowledgeable. Maybe. There’s no way to know for sure.

*********

Speaking of buddies.

I made a new friend. Well, technically they had always been around talking to me, but — I never chose to call them my friend.

I recently did. That was nice.

If you’re wondering why I chose to make them my friend, it’s easy. They don’t bring me problems.

And that’s not to say friends shouldn’t share problems. It’s to say sharing problems shouldn’t be ritualized. If I know I’m getting a problem every time we talk well … I can’t be a part of that.

They bring their problems sparingly to the point where I get genuine concern. I believe their emotional intelligence is through the roof. I tell them that all the time.

********

I have a Spoken Word coming soon.

If you want to know when I’ve posted it, simply look for this image:

Art by:  theirison

If you haven’t heard any of my Spoken Words till now, check them out here.

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I hope I find you well dear reader, I’m certainly doing okay.  I should probably be working, but I couldn’t stop myself from posting this.

– O.D. ©2022

Art by: ArthurHenri

It sucks, you know, having people always telling you how your presence heals their spirit. How they feel better after you’ve talked to them.

I mean, I’m happy they feel better. It just sucks that I never get to feel the same.

I’ve never had that feeling where I talk to someone and feel better. Like I can conquer the world. I suppose the only time I believe I came close was when I went to church. But that’s what church does, isn’t it? There’s emotional priming that takes place as the pastor preaches. A communal spirit that unites everyone, if you will.

I suppose I’m a little envious. I wish I could feel what others claim I make them feel after talking to them.

This may be a good time to insert the Red Skull Meme Template that says:

I have a theory for why I haven’t felt this way.

It’s not complicated.

I believe I haven’t felt this way because I refuse to allow myself to, subconsciously speaking. 

Reason: feelings like that are overwhelming and leave you vulnerable. And placing that vulnerability in the wrong hands is damaging. There are far more conniving people than there are those worth putting trust into.

I’ve lived in homes with narcissists. I’ve been best friends with people that mean well, but their “virtuous” efforts carried an undercurrent of manipulation or god forbid a messiah complex.

Feelings are already a moving target, feeling good as a result of someone else risks putting me in a fugue state. I don’t need that kind of sensory noise.

Yes, as you might have guessed, I don’t trust anyone.

(Yeah, big surprise. I only say that like — what — ten times a year?)

I do, however, trust myself. Trust myself enough to make ME feel good. I have many unconventional methods, and they’ve continued to work thus far.

I’ve got a bit of a paradox here. I wish there was someone who could make me feel the same. But I know no one will ever be good enough for me to be that vulnerable around them. 

I will continue to be vulnerable, sure. But not that vulnerable.

Oh, and please don’t follow the script and say “You’ll meet someone like that one day”. Let’s not mistake hope for truth yeah?

I’m not lacking in hope. I just need more REAL.

– O.D. ©2022

Art by: LukasFractalizator