A writer with a passion for delivering words that touch the soul. A light bearer on a journey to delve into the darkest depths of humanity's short comings, fighting to restore fire to ever dying embers meant to bring light. A Black Star citizen fueled by other-worldly grey matter coupled with an inherent inter-galactic approach to the thought process. Limits are entirely subjective, however non-existent for me with the endorsement from an existence that surpasses my own.
Striving for the original; stick around, I'll make it worth your while.
I don’t write posts like this often. Usually I’ll share my thoughts through a series or something. But today, I’m just going to say what I feel like saying (which is nothing in particular). I didn’t plan for this post, nor do I really know what I want to write about; I just feel like saying something.
The good thing about blogging is that those who choose to read what anyone has written have made the conscious decision to follow through. Sometimes you come across garbage and sometimes you come across something you love. Its a risk, but we’re all adults here, right?
The other day I had just finished work and was on my way home. By the gate one of my students said, “Are you okay?” and with all the pre-programmed dialogue I could muster I simply said, “Yes, thank you” and then she said, “Are you sure?”
Not gonna lie, that hit me. I simply nodded but internally I really asked myself if I was okay. And the true answer is, “I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m okay. but I don’t really feel like talking about it. Thinking about it, sure. I’ll let you know what I find, IF I find it. And by then I simply won’t feel like talking about it”.
But I couldn’t say that to her. Hell, the other day some students opened up about their depression and suicidal thoughts. I did the one thing I wish my teachers would have done; be vulnerable. Showing humanity. They were so surprised to hear me say I get depressed, often too.
“But you never seem depressed” yeah… I’m not into the whole ruining other peoples day thing. We had a long talk that ended with them telling me they felt much better, as they had been feeling like something was wrong with them. That whole conversation felt like a time capsule.
It annoys me, you know, being told “I like this version of you” when I’m feeling a little talkative or “Ah, I can see you are happy today! That’s great!” Why? why would you make me aware of that?
It’s like getting a pet dog (I love dogs) and someone close to you saying “That’s a really nice dog. It’s a shame it’s going to die one day” Okay, thanks? Technically the truth, but what do you do with that information?
Have you ever talked to someone with no personality. I just think they’re the worst. They pick their favorite parts from people and bundle them all into one amalgamate they hope will please everyone around them. You’re getting liked for who you’re not. The pieces you’re using are borrowed and without their original host they wont evolve but dissolve as you weather them down to the bare minimum. It’s like recess and we’re back at the jungle gym again. Weird segue I know, but I already told you I didn’t plan for this post. I’m just going. Also, I’m hoping everyone that likes my posts on a superficial level has already left so I can start delving deep into what’s bothering me.
I feel like I see the world in a way that just doesn’t make sense to a lot of people.
“I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about! I feel the same way!”
No. Relax. I don’t doubt your experience, but try not to make this whole thing about you. Some people find comfort in numbers, some find comfort in solitude. I don’t know what gives me comfort, but it’s certainly not those two. I don’t wish people understood me, I don’t wish I earned more money or that I was surrounded by loving people. The truth is, I don’t know …And that’s what sucks.
I don’t believe in absolutes yet a part of me wishes there was one. At the same time, absolutes are incredibly boring. So do I need a challenge? I don’t think so. I find competitive people unbearable outside of official competitions. Keep your score card on the pitch, we don’t need it out here. I think love is stupid, and I find that incredibly sweet. It’s as if its a matter of finding who you want to be stupid with. Also, am I wrong if I say every relationship carries expectations? Unconditional. Yeah, right.
Today, I ordered a frappe and got some kind of tea instead. I ordered it in Thai , so it got lost in translation somewhere. I think conflict is a waste of time especially with regards to beverages so I drank it – no, I didn’t like it, but it added a little variety to my day. Albeit, in an unwelcome way (?)
I get in touch with my feelings in a predominantly logical environment and I get very logical when surrounded by people who value feelings. Everyone is manipulative, the difference is whether its unconscious or conscious. I’m stupid enough to divide categories of manipulation into two in the present but I’m smart enough to be aware of the idea that there are far more subcategories of manipulation to consider.
I love how I’ve grown. I love how out of a 100, my capacity to judge others has gone down to 0. 1. Someone who shall remain unnamed (and doesn’t read my blog) told me they love satan. I simply nodded and asked why. I didn’t tell them how to live their life or whether they were right or wrong. I only sought to understand. They said “It speaks to my anger”
I said I’m not religious but I believe in something greater than humanity. “So, God?”
And I said yes, I guess, though not in the way many people make God out to be a humorless dictator. And they said “That’s cool. I respect that”
And the conversation ended with us agreeing that people should do what makes them happy. But they shouldn’t hurt others.
I told someone that if I have a kid i’ll love them with all my heart and nothing else will matter. It was probably weeks (or maybe months later) when they said the exact same thing to me as if they were imparting some unknown knowledge I had yet to digest. Am I delirious or was the person just copy pasting my experience? the truth is, I’ll never know because I don’t care. Some people plant seeds, others just wait for the yield to claim it as their own and others sell the same seeds they find after they buy that yield to the person who sows those seeds. Basically my understanding of the world and all its underlying systems.
Natural disasters being that stray metal bolt that ends up going into a jet engine. No-one wanted it to end up there, but it did. All because the engineer was tired from a hard days work of volunteering at a homeless shelter. Good intentions, bad results, bad intentions, good results and vice versa.
A lady asked when I’m planning to get married and I asked if they’re curious because we’ll all share a bed together. They said “That’s a good one, I’m going to use it in the future”
You should, it is a good one.
Another case of my philanthropy included an old friend telling me they regretted not calling me a genius in high school, when we were still classmates. She said “I didn’t tell you because I was afraid you’d get a big head”. Alright, that makes sense I guess.
There was a pause, then she laughed saying “Please don’t get a big head now”
“Why would I get a big head? It’s not my first time hearing it”
“Oh my god! I knew you’d say something like that!”
Yes, well, it was a nice reminder anyway. I can appreciate that.
Oh no, another post teetering on fostering negativity. Quick, spice it with something positive …
Ice-cream is nice.
Video games make me happy.
I had a nice dream today.
I think I’ve met my positivity quota. Lord knows most can’t handle people sharing their personal truths. But what do I know, I’m just a guy who loves writing.
I’ve seen karma do some crazy things. I would know, I’ve had a few kicks when I thought I could get away with nosense.
Then again, I’ve seen liars get their fair share of kicks too. Good.
You know, I’ve kind of reached a point where if nothing bad happens in over a month I get a little anxious. Dunno what it means to be okay with pain but, I’ve grown a little accustomed to it. It’s okay, you can call me sadistic, I welcome it. BDSM type of stuff is kiddie pool politics compared to the madness going on in my head.
Side note: Please vote in the poll below. Really helps, thanks.
Unpopular opinion: You can never know someone to the core; you don’t even know yourself. So to think you can narrow someone’s personality to your limited perception of them is a little stupid moronic idiotic foolish ridiculous …don’t you think?
But what do I know, I’m just a guy who loves writing.
People who attempt suicide are not weak, they are in psychological pain and are in need of help. You may think it’s irrational for someone to end their life when looking from the perspective of someone who has yet to go through similar pain. And how could you? We’re all different.
Suicide is an act that comes from pain, not weakness. People that attempt/ commit suicide are in fact afraid to die. But the pain they will be going through will be so overwhelming that they see no other way to stop it. I understand how easy it may be for some people to judge and make light of someone else’s pain. After all, I grew up being told the remedy for being depressed was to simply “cheer up” and to stop being “so sensitive, like a lady”
“You’re feeling depressed? But you’re so young, Wait till you’re an adult then you’ll know what true depression is”
True depression? What the f*ck is that bullsh*t? Like there’s some kind of absolute depression that blankets all other forms of depression. F*cking morons, the lot of them. If you have no knowledge to impart because you don’t understand a particular issue well — or rather, if you have nothing constructive to offer, Have the decency to keep your mouth shut.
What pisses me off is how many people commit suicide because they are afraid to open up to all these judgy idiots. These idiots who feel they have suffered more than anyone else. How many more people would we be able to help if these idiots weren’t so flippant about how they address issues regarding suicide? I don’t like cursing, but this issue really gets me heated.
I never told my parents this story (only my sister) because I was afraid they would worry. But at the start of 2020 I was flooded by suicidal thoughts. My poetry did nothing to hide this. I don’t need to get into the particulars of how it reached that point, but, well, everything sucked. It’s like, try as I might, when looking all around me, all I saw were ways I could kill myself in the least painful way.
These thoughts are “gone”now but I know they could just as easily come back. I’m at a point in my life where I no longer know if I’m depressed or not. Take that however you wish, but it has helped me empathize with those in pain. I may not know exactly what they are going through, but I’ve felt and understood a similar pain in my own unique way. And i’ll try, in any way I can to give them a listening ear, and if my writing lights up their day, even better.
But much like everyone else, I have good and bad days; and that is, at times, reflected in my writing. Despite trying to help others, I need to make time to help myself; and this might mean writing a piece that carries little to no positivity.
I believe in helping people help themselves, not saving. Fostering self-reliance; not co-dependency. I’m a teacher, not a cult leader.