My Problem With Proactive Bonding.

TLDR: It comes with conditions, it’s inorganic, in many ways lazy and a massive red flag depending on who you ask.


(of a person, policy, or action) creating or controlling a situation by causing something to happen rather than responding to it after it has happened.
The establishment of a relationship or link with someone based on shared feelings, interests, or experiences.


(And because this is a personal post I don’t believe I need to answer questions like:

“What about people who’re waiting for the other person to make the first move?”

I don’t care. This post is about me.)

If we’re going to connect, we’re going to connect. No need to shower me with compliments and all other associated embellishments.

I would rather hear about the things you enjoy, even if they’re things I don’t find particularly interesting. Who knows, I might actually learn something and begin to have a newfound appreciation for your niche interests.

See that’s what often happens when people are authentic. People are introduced to new and interesting realities. That’s the best-case scenario.

There’s no worst-case scenario. Because authenticity will be at the centre of everything. If two authentic people are incompatible, they part respectfully.

I respect authenticity. I say this all the time.

Authenticity comes with consistency.

You will grow to resent me if you take this proactive bonding approach to relationship building. If you think offering to help me every single time will instil in me a desire/obligation to help you just as much you’re living in a world of illusion. (And the world just so happens to be a loving habitat to the rarely seen elephant of the entitlement variety)

You can’t, for example, buy me a rose that I never requested and expect me to buy you one in return. 

That behaviour is synonymous with “mirroring” and I find it particularly annoying, to be honest.

If I told you the number of times I’ve had to explain to people that I don’t remember birthdays and they insisted on saying “Happy Birthday” anyway expecting me to say it back you’d be surprised. I understand the sentiment of telling people you care about “Happy Birthday”. But I don’t believe that sentiment is a fact or a moral imperative I have to live by.

Why not just act authentically without expecting anything in return? Why is that so hard? Pro-active bonders would rather subject themselves to a sprint from which they’ll eventually burn out (and make no mistake, they will). At which point they’ll show their real selves and we get to say “Nice to finally meet you”

To proactively bond (to me) is to take charge of how the relationship flows. It means you know (for certain) how it’s supposed to go.

It means being impatient to see a bond evolve organically over time and choosing to add a bit of your grow-grow juice. Tasteless reasoning in my opinion.

This can be done in a friendship or otherwise. And in some cases, they (the proactive bonder) will be expecting some kind of return for their efforts — or at least some kind of result. A result that signifies compatibility.

The absence of “expected” results is somehow considered self-evident. It somehow signifies the lack of compatibility.

<<Make that irrationality make sense>>

The lack of results is because the recipient of all this proactive bonding is a bad person. It’s definitely not because of this cornucopia of potential reasons:

“Maybe I creeped this person out by being so smothering, that’s why they distanced themselves”

“Maybe telling them I’ve planned a surprise trip without letting them know didn’t translate over to them as a sweet gesture”

“Maybe I need to start putting in the effort to get to know someone before assuming I know what they want”

“Maybe a relationship not growing in the exact way I want isn’t always a bad thing”

I mean, these are just some of the things I would hope these individuals think of before trekking their self-actualised Mt Sinai. 

But I’m just one idiot behind a keyboard, what do I know.

Please, educate me. Show me how wrong I am.

– O.D. ©2022

Art by: nathanaeI

How To Get A Girlfriend.

One word: Telescope.

Actually, Seven words: Telescope, Van, Duct tape, Rope and Hope.


Hope will be used when asking her out on a date

She might say “no”, can’t handle those now, can we?

The telescope is to watch the stars or birds or something

Look man, I don’t know what time your date is taking place

Figure it out.

The rope will be for practising kinbaku

A relatively esoteric trust exercise,

Which won’t be weird on a first date. Obviously.

And the Van is to help carry everything.

The duct tape is for — well — *ahem*

Look, just get in the van alright?

– O.D. ©2022

Art by: Tomasz-Mro

Through Stained Glass Windows.

I believe

That you believe

In what you’re saying.

… That still doesn’t make it true.

– O.D. ©2022

Art:  Vetyr

If belief is all it takes to make something true, then that one time in first grade when I believed I could will traffic lights into turning green means I’ve got road superpowers.

That belief is no less ridiculous than misinterpreted information being turned into actual fact.

Sometimes I wonder how people can be so certain about things. To have such firm convictions based on hearsay or what’s simply been theorized. I get it, we’re all fumbling in the dark somewhat, but how can we parse knowledge we haven’t understood as fact?

And even in the presence of thorough investigations that give rise to valid conclusions, how can we just sit and call it a day?

I get the little victories, how they should be appreciated. But I can’t for the life of me understand how one solution should become the only solution.

I suppose I begin to see it as a problem when these “beliefs” are pushed on me or others; I just don’t get it. It’s okay to believe in what you want to believe alone lol

Or maybe I just think too much.

But then again, how much is too much?

Can someone actually sit across from me and tell me with a straight face that I’m overthinking? They can’t, because they’re using their own subjective estimation. And perhaps through doing that they’re highlighting their own ignorance. Because by that logic, if there’s such a thing as overthinking, then we have to accept the existence of underthinking.

I wrote a poem about this a while back; seems these nuggets always find a way of resurfacing.

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