Heart//Entropy.

It sucks, you know, having people always telling you how your presence heals their spirit. How they feel better after you’ve talked to them.

I mean, I’m happy they feel better. It just sucks that I never get to feel the same.

I’ve never had that feeling where I talk to someone and feel better. Like I can conquer the world. I suppose the only time I believe I came close was when I went to church. But that’s what church does, isn’t it? There’s emotional priming that takes place as the pastor preaches. A communal spirit that unites everyone, if you will.

I suppose I’m a little envious. I wish I could feel what others claim I make them feel after talking to them.

This may be a good time to insert the Red Skull Meme Template that says:

2zhy9x

I have a theory for why I haven’t felt this way.

It’s not complicated.

I believe I haven’t felt this way because I refuse to allow myself to, subconsciously speaking. 

Reason: feelings like that are overwhelming and leave you vulnerable. And placing that vulnerability in the wrong hands is damaging. There are far more conniving people than there are those worth putting trust into.

I’ve lived in homes with narcissists. I’ve been best friends with people that mean well, but their “virtuous” efforts carried an undercurrent of manipulation or god forbid a messiah complex.

Feelings are already a moving target, feeling good as a result of someone else risks putting me in a fugue state. I don’t need that kind of sensory noise.

Yes, as you might have guessed, I don’t trust anyone.

(Yeah, big surprise. I only say that like — what — ten times a year?)

I do, however, trust myself. Trust myself enough to make ME feel good. I have many unconventional methods, and they’ve continued to work thus far.

I’ve got a bit of a paradox here. I wish there was someone who could make me feel the same. But I know no one will ever be good enough for me to be that vulnerable around them. 

I will continue to be vulnerable, sure. But not that vulnerable.

Oh, and please don’t follow the script and say “You’ll meet someone like that one day”. Let’s not mistake hope for truth yeah?

I’m not lacking in hope. I just need more REAL.

– O.D. ©2022

Art by: LukasFractalizator

7 Replies to “Heart//Entropy.”

  1. I love your posts so much. I guess because in some ways I relate so heavily. In others because they cause me to think from a different direction. A new perspective. Or a well-said perspective. While I don’t hold all the same thought processes or conclusions, I respect yours greatly and thoroughly appreciate them. It’s these type of conversations which pull one out of a rut (if we allow it to), to get outside ourselves, if you will, and learn-grow-change.

    1. You just reminded me of a conversation we had a month or two back. I don’t remember the exact words but you said “I get we’re creative, and we feel the need to write what’s in our minds. But why do we share?” and that question stuck with me for a while; I remember saying “we don’t know who it helps, one of our posts might affect someones’ life in a way we don’t foresee, positively speaking”

      — I kind of agree with that still, but I think there’s more. I think we share because, like you just commented, it pulls us out of ourselves. It allows us to have a kind of dialectic approach. To embrace new perspectives and in the best case scenario, connect with people that are going through similar things. Growing and changing, as you said, perpetually, without some kind of finality in mind.

      Always a pleasure having you here Tara 🙂

      1. You are very welcome.
        I think there is validity in the feeling that I can rely only on myself, even if it was from the lack of trust because of past experiences. What I have learned also is the ability to learn to receive support in some real ways it can come to us. In the beginning this can be professional relationship with a mentor or therapist – so we get the taste of the trust and then gradually open for more people that we can trust. I also became conscious of my tendency to be of service to people because I just sensed/understood what they were going through. I started getting depleted because I didn’t have similar nourishing experiences to replenish my energy. And yes I too thought I need someone just like me to take care of me. This is a full circle then 🙂 We need to take care of ourselves in ways we need – I consciously built boundaries around my tendency to jump in to help people and spent more time with myself, so I could slowly find my way. My entire blog mirrors this journey. I now feel a tremendous sense of support without feeling small.
        I hope this is helpful to you in some way – I tried to give words to my overall experience, please feel free to disregard if you don’t agree with something.

      2. I understand what you’re saying, I particularly resonated with the need for boundaries. On ourselves and others. Sometimes we’re quick to say others deplete us — but sometimes we allow it.

        I’ve been thinking about talking to a therapist. To have a sounding board. I suppose I only hesitate because the relationship will have to stay professional, as it should. Therapy gives us the tools to help ourselves afterall.

        Your words were indeed helpful in making me aware that there are others dealing with all of it. It can come across as humble bragging when you share what I’ve shared with people. But to know that there are people who get what I’m saying without judging is, in many ways, encouraging.

        Thank you for this. We write on!

      3. I am glad and grateful that you found this helpful. Just one more thing – I have found professional relationships to come with inherent safety because they are skilled and have our best interest, and also that is the best way to learn and practice boundaries. Wishing you the best of ease and joy ahead!

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