Heart//Entropy.

It sucks, you know, having people always telling you how your presence heals their spirit. How they feel better after you’ve talked to them.

I mean, I’m happy they feel better. It just sucks that I never get to feel the same.

I’ve never had that feeling where I talk to someone and feel better. Like I can conquer the world. I suppose the only time I believe I came close was when I went to church. But that’s what church does, isn’t it? There’s emotional priming that takes place as the pastor preaches. A communal spirit that unites everyone, if you will.

I suppose I’m a little envious. I wish I could feel what others claim I make them feel after talking to them.

This may be a good time to insert the Red Skull Meme Template that says:

2zhy9x

I have a theory for why I haven’t felt this way.

It’s not complicated.

I believe I haven’t felt this way because I refuse to allow myself to, subconsciously speaking. 

Reason: feelings like that are overwhelming and leave you vulnerable. And placing that vulnerability in the wrong hands is damaging. There are far more conniving people than there are those worth putting trust into.

I’ve lived in homes with narcissists. I’ve been best friends with people that mean well, but their “virtuous” efforts carried an undercurrent of manipulation or god forbid a messiah complex.

Feelings are already a moving target, feeling good as a result of someone else risks putting me in a fugue state. I don’t need that kind of sensory noise.

Yes, as you might have guessed, I don’t trust anyone.

(Yeah, big surprise. I only say that like — what — ten times a year?)

I do, however, trust myself. Trust myself enough to make ME feel good. I have many unconventional methods, and they’ve continued to work thus far.

I’ve got a bit of a paradox here. I wish there was someone who could make me feel the same. But I know no one will ever be good enough for me to be that vulnerable around them. 

I will continue to be vulnerable, sure. But not that vulnerable.

Oh, and please don’t follow the script and say “You’ll meet someone like that one day”. Let’s not mistake hope for truth yeah?

I’m not lacking in hope. I just need more REAL.

– O.D. ©2022

Art by: LukasFractalizator

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