The Perfect Way To Make Friends On WordPress.

See, the thing I absolutely love about the internet is that everything we read is true. Seriously.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at the advice I’m about to give and see for yourself. It’s full-proof; there’s literally no way anyone can dispute what I’m about to say.

In five easy steps I’m going to show you how to:

Make friends on WordPress, Pay your rent, Build your following, Get your ex back and ultimately Ascend to godhood.

It’s real easy actually. There’s a reason I have a religion titled after me:

Spam comment sections baby!

Wanna promote your blog?

Scout the blogosphere for people with the most followers and proceed to lace their domains with shameless plugs. It doesn’t matter who, what or where their blog is.

What matters are the stats.

Stats, people. Stats maketh the individual. They are the most viable digital currency we’ll use as tithe for your shrine.

Don’t bother saying “hi”. No-one productive has time for that.

I understand your concern. But It’s not disrespectful, in any way, to spam the comment section of someone you barely know with your lovely content.

Lord knows their comment section needed a little greasing.

After-all, your stuff is far more important. You have a message.

A message the rest of the world needs to hear. Why waste time with greetings at the cost of our own efficiency.

Friends? No, they are Stats. Are you even listening to me?

Do it, trust me. No-one minds. AT ALL.

Copy and Paste. Plagiarism was an inside job.

Writers are a so dumb. Ugh, I can’t even.

You could round up every writer on the planet right now, and none of them would measure up to a quarter of our InTelLigEncE.

No-one picks up on plagiarism. It’s a myth created by our corporate overlords to sell software. Don’t give credit for work you’re clearly just “borrowing”.

In fact, this is how you can build a sustainable career as a writer/blogger. By stealing repurposing ideas.

Who has time to form original ideas when you can just take from others. Let’s be honest, you’ll make better use of them anyway.

I know what I’m saying sounds shady, but it’s not. Why?

Because I said so.

Regurgitate. Cement Frequencies.

Stop yourself from having personal opinions about anything.

In fact, if you have a personality, you’ve probably taken it waay too far with the blogging.

Trust me — just harp on what’s considered popular and say what’s already being said. By doing this, you keep yourself intertwined with the politically correct. It’s safe and warm there. Like bed covers on a Monday morning.

Writing/Blogging isn’t about taking risks. It’s about saying what everyone else is saying, in the same exact way, with no deviations. Because the root of good content is content that stays the same across all mediums. Creativity is overrated.

(Sometimes I think I’m too nice sharing all this advice for free) 

Don’t interact with your readers. And for the love of all that is holy don’t connect with the blogging community. 

Straight up. You’re too good for those peons. And they should give you the respect you deserve. Responding to Earthlings is offering them a gift. It’s like their birthday.

You don’t want to make every day their birthday — otherwise it loses meaning.

Leave them wanting. Be that rare commodity.

You are an aspiring god after-all — Act like one. *shivers excitedly* I can already see it now. All those losers will be running to you. Wanting more.

Remember: You’re better than all of them in every single way. That’ll definitely show em.

Oomph! No-one questions our authority.

You Are A god.

I had to remind you in case you forgot. The thing about us knowing everything is that nothing anyone else says matters.

We have awakened and we are done learning. As such, you should lash when anyone tries to offer you advice that puts a wrench in our ultimate reality.

“How Dare They”. Am-i-rite?

Your blog is your domain. The peons don’t get to back-talk. They get to listen and appreciate the gift that is your existence.

***

Wanted to stop the post after the above line, but then I remembered It’s my responsibility to make sure no-one reads this unironically.

Last thing I need on my conscience is someone taking my satire seriously and thinking its okay to do any of the things I mentioned.

I don’t know the alchemy for a perfect blogging experience, but I do know it’s important to:

Respect your fellow bloggers.

Connect (If you want to)

Be authentic.

Give credit where it’s due.

Have fun.

You’ll meet crappy people, obviously. It’s to be found in every community. But try not to let that stop you from enjoying yourself.

I’ve met some lovely people here. They’ve seen my ups and my many, many downs. And despite that, they continue to support and read my work. Sometimes I wonder why lol

I don’t say it much but “I appreciate you guys and gals”.  ❤

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: PascalCampion