Apart from people automatically assuming you’re gay? Everything as an a-sexual is fine lol. I don’t have a problem with gay people (obviously) but it’s annoying when my lack of a sexual appetite leads people to conclude I’m gay.
Because its unfathomable in their tiny little minds that someone can live without craving sex.
Please don’t embarrass yourself by assuming this. I like to believe we’re all a little more aware. But I suppose I’ve been guilty of thinking some things are common knowledge in a world full of diverse individuals.
— the other day I was accused of being “too woke” for simply checking on a co-worker who seemed sad. That my generation is too obsessed with how people feel and that we’re too sensitive. The guy was obviously sniffing his own pheromones, I think he just didn’t like someone other than him receiving attention.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with checking whether someone is okay. And it shouldn’t hurt anyone else in the vicinity when we care about other people’s feelings. Right?
Well “Wrong!” according to them.
Point is, our world is full of all types — I’m open to toxic people existing — there’s nothing I can do about that. I just try not to stick around them any longer than I have to.
Going back to my experience with A-sexuality.
It’s important to note that I’m one of many on the spectrum of a-sexuals. There are A-sexuals who only desire sex when they are emotionally attuned with their partner. There are a-sexuals who are virgins and have no desire of ever experiencing sex.
Me?
I fall in the camp of those that have had sex but simply don’t find it enjoyable.
I want to touch on some of the misconceptions people often have about me as an A-sexual. Stick around, you might just learn something.
Misconception #1 – I’m not waiting for Ms. Right
It won’t take Ms. Right to change my mind on this. I’ve had enough sex to know I don’t enjoy it. Where others find pleasure in having sex with their partner; I find a nuisance.
I would rather do anything else than have sex — like entering VR or pretending to understand everything Nietzsche.
Misconception #2 – It’s not out of trauma
Sex, when you’re participating (and not enjoying) looks and feels incredibly sloppy and ridiculous. Just two independent nervous systems covered in sweaty flesh, rubbing and thumping against each other.
Perhaps my first sexual experience was terrible…
And then the next one …
And then the next one …
And then the next one …
And then the — you get it. They can’t all have been sequentially terrible. And I’m not about to have sex again just to confirm if I really, really, don’t like it.
It took time but I just had to admit to myself that’s it’s okay not to enjoy sex as much as everyone else. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Wanna know what’s wrong? Ridiculing anyone who doesn’t share your voracious sexual appetite.
Perhaps if you weren’t obsessed with your next lay you’d be attending to your fugue state of causality problems. But don’t worry, I’ll do the thinking for the both of us.
Misconception #3 – I don’t hate sex.
“You don’t!? But you just said –“
Relax. I may not enjoy sex, but I understand it’s value from a purely utilitarian perspective. We need reproduction for the human species; and if all of us were a-sexual then that would be a massive “yikes”.
I don’t mind reading or even talking about how much someone may enjoy sex. Just don’t go out of your way to ask me what I think about sex unless you’re looking for a counter-weight.
Misconception #4 – I get attracted too
Not obvious, but I have my own preferences. I notice when a lady has nice eyes or beautiful lips or hair. My thoughts however, don’t deviate towards kissing said lips.
I appreciate features how I would a rosy sunset. From afar —through a telescope — stalking your room from across the street.
That was a joke.
I hope 😉
Misconception#5 – Wow. So you’re A-sexual? How does it feel?
I find this question funny because it’s often asked as if I have a condition that needs fixing.
You know, I could also ask how it feels to do the sloppy-mish-mash-under-the-covers thing.
I was curious about sex — had it. And when I was done with that fleshy disaster, some part of me wished I hadn’t.
If you’re curious how life is as an a-sexual, I can tell you that there’s a lot of clarity. You have to realize it’s a little difficult admitting to yourself (especially at a younger age) that this thing most people around you enjoy, isn’t fun for you. That there’s nothing wrong with that.
Sharing this here means I’m done with the heavy lifting. It’s something I’m now at peace with.
I do think if someone enjoys sex they should dive right in and have a blast. I’m not trying to shame anyone who does by saying all of this.
*****
What I’m more interested in knowing is what your experience has been with other a-sexuals you’ve met. Pleasant? Unpleasant? Indifferent? Let me know.
– O.D. ©2021
Art by: mynameistran
O.D. 
Yes. Allll of this. We live in a society that embraces cookie-cutter robots rather than diversity. Oh sure, we hear the words diversity all the time. It’s flamboyant in its excessiveness. But when in reality, diversity is frowned on. Are you smart? You’re labeled an elitist and snobby. Are you poor? You are labeled lazy. Do you enjoy working? Then you’re a workaholic. How about just letting people be themselves. Warts and all… (oh, have warts? Then you’re dirty.) So some people have intense sexual appetites and some not at all. Some want a little here and there. Some are completely satisfied alone or not. All of these choices should be okay. But we seek out ways we overlap. What makes us similar? We tend to gravitate to that. And especially in the hyper-sexualized society, an a-sexual human appears “too different” or “deviant” or perhaps something is “wrong” with them… ugh. Don’t get me started… but you did. I’m actually okay with that.
I have known a couple a-sexual people over the years. One I know is militant about it and almost in-your-face “accept it or fuck you”. No really. He is. Literally have seen him say this on several occasions when women come on to him. Perhaps he’s at a snapping point and feels he must deliver the first blow, as it were. But a few others I’ve known didn’t make it a thing. In fact it is usually something you learn almost in passing, like any other tidbit you learn about a friend. I have never questioned it. To me, if you have one side of a spectrum, clearly there’s another. I can imagine, however, that it could be tiring to feel the need to constantly explain oneself to others. I imagine one would feel quite misunderstood. I don’t know. A-sexuality is just another label. It helps define a small aspect of a person… but doesn’t define them entirely.
Not sure I’m making sense.
You’re making perfect sense. And in an interesting way you’ve brought to attention some meta commentary I feel I can only discuss in the comment section lol.
You’re right. Saying I’m a-sexual is accepting a label. And it’s rather unfortunate isn’t it? That for me to build a bridge of understanding I have to lean on labels that make it easier for people to understand despite not being a fan of labels myself.
Limitations of language and our established lexicon lol its a shame really. Because despite A-sexuals being a thing. As you said, it doesn’t account for other manner of variations that overlap.
Incredible meta Tara lol
Yes, I get that about the labels. But, again, it’s something that helps the overall puzzle pieced description of who we are. I can say: I’m a libertarian, and that would give you a rough idea of where I stand on political and religious issues. Is it a complete picture? Absolutely not. But it’s a jumping point. A platform or foundation to build upon the whole. If a person says they are a believer in Hinduism, then that helps me understand a lot of their worldview and their perspective. It’s not the definition of the person, but a rough sketch or piece.
I think the problem with labels lies in the fact that most people don’t move BEYOND the label. Meaning they say (for instance) “oh that person is “insert label” {gay, a-sexual, black, indigenous, Muslim, female… etc} and I can’t/won’t relate to that, so I will have nothing more to do with them.” So they aren’t willing to peel back the layers, aren’t willing to go deeper, aren’t willing to find common ground, aren’t willing to be open-minded or receptive to change, aren’t willing to get closer… So the label becomes a wedge, rather than a tool. Is it the label’s fault?? No, instead it is a rigidness, an inability to allow the label to support and guide. We build walls on top of the bridges of understanding.
And that’s unfortunate. Imagine alllll the missed opportunities.
That rigidity is a massive crutch and foundation to ignorance. I don’t know if you read my post regarding certainty and uncertainty but the underlying premise relates heavily with what you’re saying.
Not moving beyond the label is in many ways a desire to stick to what they “know”. An inability to accept that they don’t have a direct link to the universe’s ultimate reality but are stuck with their limited view of things. And in some respects, people with that rigidity are content in calling their perspective the truth, because they’re afraid of finding out information that would otherwise rock their boat, or bring them to see differently.
People often talk about physical fitness and how it’s important but people rarely discuss mental fitness. There are some people out there that willingly choose ignorance because it’s “safe”. Because reflecting over their worldview would be too much work.
We’ve got all types Tara. What I tend to do is stick far away from the willingly ignorant. It’s simply too exhausting to be around them.
Couldn’t agree with you more.
Such an interesting post. Truly enjoyed. I am so glad that you are able to step out and be authentically you. Thanks for sharing.❤️
Thank you for reading Grace. Much appreciated ❤️
My pleasure.💕
For me this relates to my female friends always saying I need a man or they have to hook me up. Not sure why they feel there’s a “need” especially when anytime we gather they complain about their significant other & the issues in the relationship. I choose to be single( for now) & am perfectly capable of meeting someone on my own when ready. They act as if going without sex is a crime, smh. Valid post, thanks for sharing.
Thank you for reading. I’m glad you could also relate. And I agree, relationships are serious work 😅
Oh man, Yes! In fact, I had my best friend just a couple days ago once again tell me one of my failings (low self esteem when it comes to my physical body) and that that is a “turn-off” for any prospective partners. I (again) reinforced that I’m not “looking” for someone. I’m fine the way things are. Fortunately I personally live so far removed from the general public that no one is going to try to physically set me up with a potential partner… but it’s the pointing out as if I’m “on the market”. Sighhhh… I feel you.
I’ve become asexual as I’ve aged. It’s partly a hormonal change and partly an emotional reaction to prior bad experiences. And it’s glorious! I love not being motivated by sexual attraction because I can get on with my life as I please. I don’t have to worry about what some man thinks of me physically, if he desires me in return, the whole annoying logistics of when and where, and the sad aftermath when I realize there was no emotional connection. It was never worth the few sweaty moments of pleasure. Anyway, I have friends who understand and feel similarly (maybe for different reasons), so I’m lucky there. I can see it being annoying to be harassed about it though. There is nothing wrong with disliking sex or alcohol or sports or any other thing the masses think is so great! We think for ourselves…
You’re right. The sweaty moments aren’t all they’re cracked up to be lol feels good to have our minds on anything but sexual pleasure. Surprising how much people can get done when they’re not in pursuit of such pleasures lol.
Thanks for visiting Paula. I appreciate it ✨
I like to think I lean towards being a-sexual too. My only problem is I haven’t had sex and really don’t want to. Therefore, it’s hard for me to completely disregard something I never tried at least once. Nonetheless, I am content with being a virgin. I find human contact a bit unnerving, stressful, and awkward.
Thank you for reading, Ramone. I personally think sex is overrated. And I agree with you, the whole thing is pretty awkward.
When I lived in London My flat mate was asexual. It didn’t bother me. That was who she was. I had friends who would say she was gay and make all the assumptions you have spoken of in your post. But I knew her pretty well and I knew she was just not that fussed about sex. Good post OD.
Thank you for reading Anne 🙂
Exactly the same 👏🏻
Nice! 😀
Thank you for your honesty, I really found this interesting & definitely something to take in. People are for too quick to make assumptions.
You’re very right. We do our best to be ourselves despite those assumptions 🙂
We do, & it takes courage I know. To be completely honest is like standing naked, I try to be, I try to always be transparent.
Yes! This is so true! I am an ace-teen so when I came out to one of my friend, he was like maybe puberty hasn’t hit yet, explore more maybe? He was trying to mansplain my own sexuality to myself and questioning to a queer person. What was worse was I just said in the end thank you for understanding cause maybe, I was expecting something much worse. It was so hard to understand all of this and did lots and lots of research. I sometimes think that it is quite ironic that I as an asexual spent so much time thinking about sex cause I was always second-guessing. Another thing I really hate are the gate-keepers within the LGBT+ community who say asexuality is not a thing and shouldn’t be included in the community.
It was really so great to read a post on asexuality and I was nodding all the time! I have also written a poem on being asexual so if you feel like it, you can check it out here: https://thebluediary6.wordpress.com/2021/08/31/i-dont-understand/
Very few people will come to understand A-sexuality in a way A-sexuals do. I’ve come to learn to forgive ignorance in advance precisely because of that. It’s that thing where other people believe their story is the main story and everyone elses’ is secondary lol
I think it’s great we’ve come to understand ourselves in this way despite others not getting it. ‘Cause at this point we begin to know more of what we want and don’t feel any pressure. I believe the gatekeepers have a serious elitist complex. Better to avoid them and find a better tribe of people. It’s funny because some gatekeepers have suffered as a result of their sexual orientation and don’t want anyone else to have it easy. It’s so regressive and a little hilarious.
Outside of that, thank you for reading. I’m happy we found common ground ❤
You are right, it isn’t sensible to cry over seeds that do not grow. I’ve decided to focus on the other aspects where they support me. There are people who support you so much and try to educate themselves on a-sexuality and I’ve learnt to focus on them.
Yes, some people who suffer either go like, “no one else must suffer like this” and others go like “if I suffered, others must too.” The gatekeepers belong to the latter category. Yes, so many supportive, wholesome and funny people are there in the queer community!
Always happy to read a well-written post 🙂
I agree with everything in this post!
Nice! ⭐️😃
I’m asexual too. Really interesting to see posts raising awareness about it because I feel like it’s very misunderstood. I’m also a different type of asexual to you because, as you say, it is a spectrum!
Thank you for reading and leaving a comment 🙂 let’s hope more people get aware.
Love your honesty. I’ll admit it, I’m ignorant where asexuality is concerned. Your blog totally fascinates. It’s about time. Thanks!
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment Charles. I appreciate it⭐️
I love that you shared this part of yourself; you owe us nothing⏤especially when it comes to the precious make up of who you are.
I had a friend in high school who is asexual. I was completely ignorant to the word but thought it was so cool that he schooled me. Prior to the schooling, I just thought he was shy and insecure when it came to dating. He was definitely muuuuuch different from most young men I knew as he was never pressed to do the sloppy sheet shuffle. I can see how asexuality can make certain aspects of life much simpler.
It certainly helps with clarity. For example, I’m able to pay more attention to the values and character of an individual without getting distracted by features. It’s only in the last three years that I’ve noticed the benefits of being A-sexual; before I thought it was a defect that needed fixing.
On another note, I’m glad to see you back, it’s been a while Kelley. Looking forward to checking out your work 🙂
Being different from the next man is definitely not a defect. I’m glad you know that!
I’m happy to be back. I’m in really good spirits and look forward to sharing more this year. Thank you ♡