My birthday was this week. It was nice, I guess.
I had a few stand-out conversations that i’ll touch on today. Hopefully you’ll learn something new about me.
So, uh, children?
My choice to not have children isn’t because I’m a hard-a** incapable of caring or loving. I’m afraid to mess up; much like many of the “adults” I grew up with. To have my son/daughter feel how I felt towards these adults is the last thing I would ever want.
Many people want kids. But very few know what it means to be a parent (except in name alone). If it wasn’t already obvious, my proclivity towards community isn’t exactly steady. I will wait until I have genuine desire to have a family then act on this. Until then …no experiments.
I want to do it right — it can’t be perfect but I want it to come pretty damn close.
Thoughts on romance?
(I suppose I have to say why)
Relationships are work. And I know people who are quick to say when you meet the right person it won’t feel like work. I agree.
Because when you’re in love i.e. drugged up, all inhibitions fly out the window. You enter a sort of fugue state – auto-pilot mode (if you will). I can’t have that happen — lose myself to someone. There is too much value in who I am as an individual.
The world is changing. And with it, the people too. My idea of attraction is tied to this unfortunately. Unless our values align, I don’t really find someone attractive. I can acknowledge how pretty a lady is from an objective stand point but that hardly settles it for me.
Doesn’t really help that I rarely get out of my house. I know, I’m to blame for this whole thing too. Regardless, if I run solo at the end of this — I won’t be pointing fingers. That’s just the way my story would have gone.
Do you have any pets?
I really want a cat — but in case my narcissistic stalkers see this and try to one up me I’ll say I want a dog instead. If they get both i’ll get a snake — what can I say, I enjoy giving copycats causality problems.
How is your mental health?
I haven’t felt like killing myself for over a year. That’s a plus. I have tried to be kinder to myself, seems to be working — kinda. I’m doing my best. I have found ways to harness my inner joy by not surrounding myself with people that try to steal or invalidate it.
Thoughts on sex
Probably ties into romance a little. Did I ever tell you that I might be A-sexual? I’m 90% convinced. I can get attracted to women during a conversation but I don’t have sex on my mind when that happens. I consider this a blessing — many people are beautiful on the outside, but the inside — yikes.
Once had a sex addicted girlfriend — assumed I was cheating because I never asked for sex lol I can’t say I blame her. She was used to guys asking for sex during the first month of dating.
Anyway — it doesn’t matter how curvaceous your body is. It’s nothing until I see how you genuinely treat others. To be fair, it will be nothing even when I see you treat people well. I’ll be too distracted by your aura lol
As for sex itself — well, I wasn’t impressed the first time and I’m still not impressed.
Memories of being the bad guy?
Jeez, I’ve lost count. I can be a real a** sometimes. I have trouble with authority figures that like micro-managing. I’m trying to work on that.
I’m a poor, poor, poor, poor communicator. Keeping in touch is quite difficult for me. And at times I leave people feeling neglected. But when it comes to energy vampires that’s purely by design.
Too cynical — I may not voice it in person. But I assume the worst until I have gathered evidence that supports otherwise. May come across as pessimism to those that don’t know me.
I can be harsh and very critical if someone repeats a mistake. Particularly in situations when I would’ve discussed with said person ways to avoid the problem.
My undying desire for autonomy sometimes makes me push away people that could have potentially been good friends. Sorry.
My need for precision and logical consistency clashes with our irrational behavior as human beings. Sometimes, when Tom and Susan mess up, all they want to hear from their friend is that everything will be alright and not a play-by-play of what they could have done better.
I could go on and on but for now I think I’ve covered most of my glaring flaws.
– O.D. ©2021
Art by: RHADS