I want to cut to the bone and say “I left because I was tired”. But that’s a lame answer; hardly indicative of what was going on in my head.
If you’ve been an avid reader of mine I feel I owe you this much. One doesn’t just drop this bomb and not at least offer a reason why.
I left because I was getting too close to my writing. It’s hardly a secret how much I love creating but… it was a getting a little too, unforgiving — to myself and others.
I still believe in writing for myself, speaking what I believe to be true — but I don’t believe in being masochistic about it. I know some people enjoy that I leave no filter (that’s not going anywhere) and others enjoy my poetry without the accompanying soliloquys. I get that too.
I noticed I was getting a little too absorbed in my work when I stopped giving warnings about the rants that would follow. The reason I give warnings to my rants is to inform readers of what’s to come. And because I was blinded by rage or a depression spike, I stopped doing that. Totally my fault, I’m sorry. I should have been more responsible, and I’m certainly better than that.
Writing is my outlet, and when my diary entries have the capacity to instill anxiety in others I should –at the very least warn them that there is some unsettling stuff I’m about to talk about.
As for why I left…
The above reason is one of them — I was becoming too reckless. The second? I was losing control. All I was channeling in my poetry was anger. That needed to stop. Now, that’s not to say you’ll never see me angry again, but, I prefer to channel all my emotions and not *ahem* specialize.
The third. My father was ill. Found myself distracted often and in some ways the pressure from home was making me even more unsettled. Fourth? Probably the hardest one … which I hope I can eventually have the courage to share.
I’m not going anywhere, so I ask you to be patient with me whilst I find a way to clearly express the last one. It certainly hit me harder than I initially expected. Nothing fatal, just… reality breaking. If that’s even a phrase.
I’ve got poems lined up. I hope you’ll enjoy them as much as I did writing them.
– O.D. ©2021
Art by: snatti89