Hikikomori.

I don’t see the sun rise,

I hear it.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by:  snatti89

I love this place. But the honest truth is, there are times I just want to disappear and never come back. Nothing to do with the community; its full of lovely people — sometimes I just can’t deal with all of it. I’ve already isolated myself from pretty much everyone I held dear — and I wish it was for attention, I really do. ‘Cause at least I would know what to do next.

But the truth is I can’t stand most people. Call me what you want, but there is no statistical evidence that says everyone has healthy people around them. And maybe you do — good for you. If I have healthy people around me I sure as hell want to know where they are. And if they are healthy, I suppose they don’t meet my standard.

Maybe I just enjoy being alone.

Am I the healthiest person? No. But I work damn hard to keep my mouth shut unless I have something I feel needs to be said. I’ve been petty, I’ve been vindictive, manipulative and narcissistic. I’ve also been on the receiving end. I know where to start and stop. I know who has my best interests and who doesn’t.  Because when you don’t have many people to talk to and you listen (like actually listen) you see patterns very clearly.

I can’t even handle calls anymore. Prolonged exposure to peoples voices tends to get under my skin.

If someone isn’t badgering me for being a recluse they are trying to tell me the “best” way to live. Giving me solutions — all the while skipping the part of how they are miserable and are constantly whining to me. If you have it all figured out, why do you come to me for unprompted therapy?

It’s funny. I never thought I’d be such a recluse. But I get it now — more than ever. I could say I’m isolated because when I choose to care, I care too much. And when someone steps on my toes it hits a lot harder. That’s what happens when you put your heart into a moment. But other people can’t be expected to understand that. 

There is no way I can say anything I want to say without offending someone — so I’ll just leave it at that. I’ll just come across as abrasive.

I suppose the best way to get anything across is to give “10 tips on how to stay positive” or work SEO algorithms to my benefit. But I’m not that person — as I’ve said, time and time again.

Or maybe under it all I’m just a horrible human being. If this all sounds too complicated I suggest you go with this one. Lord knows its too hard to think these days. Categorize sh*t to make space for other less strenuous tasks. Let’s pretend all the heavy hitting stuff doesn’t exist until it knocks on our door. 

Do whatever you want, It’s your life. All I know is I need a break.

Bye.