Another break from Spoken Word and Poetry. We haven’t talked like this in a while.
Following up on my post from yesterday I’m going to explore some of the reasons why I don’t pursue romance — or children. Despite previously being an avid supporter of romance, it wasn’t heart-break that stopped me from pursuing. It was, in fact my pursuit that stopped me. It was getting ridiculous.
My personal interpretation of love far surpasses anything found in reality. Of course it does, have you looked around lately? You’ve got people entering relationships with wildly different values and only figuring each other out years later ….then claiming the other person “changed”. No one changed, few people show who they are until they are certain you’re not going anywhere. People don’t change, their priorities do and you’re probably not one of those priorities anymore.
I was born in a generation that valued tradition and all the gimmicky lovey-dovey stuff. Grew up believing in “the one” which is obviously an illusion depending on how you view romantic relationships. And even though I’m relatively young, I feel like a dinosaur because I don’t see how I fit in the modern dating scene and all it’s rules. It’s become so dogmatic.
See, I’m not the type of person who goes on a date with someone to “gauge where we stand” or to see if I actually like them. I’m the type of person who commits to action and conscious decision making. If I’ve decided to go on a date with you, I obviously like you. That’s what a date is to me.
Believe me, If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t be going on that date. But the modern dating scene allows people to opt out even after a single date. As they should, it’s their choice. Just like it’s my choice to not be a part of that circus.
My capacity for feeling is not something I can easily navigate and mold to be so free-form. I suppose the easiest way I can put this is… when it comes to romance, I’m the all-in or nothing kind of romantic partner. But that only applied when I was still searching.
But that’s just one thing, there are many other things I can’t handle in romance …
Gender roles (at least in my culture) just completely drain me. I remember one of the break-ups I had was over an ex saying I wasn’t doing enough. That I wasn’t ambitious and shooting high enough…
Okay, let’s decipher this …
Within the span of our relationship I had moved to a foreign country in pursuit of work. I was earning more than I had ever done in my entire life — sending her money when I could –and in the meantime she was busy complaining and failing her degree. Listen, I’m not saying failing makes you a complete disaster, what I AM saying is if you know you’re contributing nothing to a relationship apart from simply existing; have the decency to open your eyes before making a fool of yourself.
The gall to say I’m not doing enough when they were doing nothing but watching me progress from the sidelines. I’m not the most gifted mathematician, but I know her abacus was tracking bad numbers. She expected me, as the man, to save her… to earn enough so she sits pretty while I bust my a**. No thanks honey. That’s not chivalry, that’s being an idiot — or, according to the urban dictionary. A Simp.
I don’t usually judge. But when someone is so brazen to call me out when I’m doing my best… tsk
These are the gender roles I’m talking about. Being expected to do something because you’re a man or a woman. I preferred partnerships, working as a team; but even that wasn’t enough. I broke it off cause I wasn’t having none of that sh*t. For crying out loud, some of these people didn’t even know what they want.
“Good guys finish last” because they think it’s their job to wait lol that waiting makes them honorable or something. Yeah, have fun with that.
The fact that when I meet someone new I have to prepare myself for yet another theme park of distractions and misadventures hardly gets me excited. Everyone is scarred in some way and I honestly just wince, thinking about how much baggage I have yet to uncover. But that’s it for romance, I’m not trying to convince people of my worldview. I just value precision and that sometimes gets in the way of everything.
As for children. lol
Children, children, children …
If I’m being completely honest (and I have to be, because I’m all about that authenticity) I’m 80% sure I don’t want to have kids. The remaining 20% is reserved for a future that remains uncertain. There are far too many likely variables for me to hammer the gavel here.
I’ve always been of the belief that If you have kids, you have to love them with every single thing you have, otherwise you’ve failed. That means forgetting who you even are and sacrificing your time to give that child your attention. In my case, that would mean my writing, who I am. I’m not ready to make such a sacrifice nor do I see myself doing that without feeling like I’ve lost something.
The kid (if I ever decide to have one) never asked to be born; it would be my job to keep that kid happy, I’m not entitled to their respect. Currently, I’d probably push the percentage of wanting kids to 0% because I’m not thinking about having a child during a damn pandemic. But that’s a topic for another day…
You know… I hear testimonies of ladies saying they look for particular qualities and genes (in men) they wish to have children with. It may come as surprise to some ladies but — some men also want kids with a lady that carries specific qualities. And I don’t mean to be an a** when I say this but… no lady I’ve met even remotely compels me to want kids with them.
And that’s mostly because my ideal relationship is so fictional. No one could ever compare or come close to it. As such, I won’t allow myself to settle. I’ll pull my hair out of boredom and resentment. People are fundamentally boring when we get down to the brass tacks. I’d rather save myself and the other person the misery of discovering what I’ve already discovered before.
That said, I love seeing people in love. I love seeing TV shows that have romance (like Outlander). I think love is beautiful, and it should most certainly persist. I just don’t have the patience for it. I love those I call friends, and I can appreciate beauty but now I passively have an ascetic quality to romance.
Ending on somewhat of a high note: I believe love is about finding someone whose baggage and annoying traits are easy for you to live with. Honestly? I think anyone who can hold a marriage is gifted in ways I have yet to understand.
See you in the comments (?)
– O.D. ©2021
Art by: CamilleNat