Looking Forward To Yesterday.

I haven’t posted in a while. It’s probably been one week — but by the end of it, I practically felt naked. I’ve been posting consistently every week for a while now but — last week, I just didn’t feel like it. 

It probably has to do with how I’ve started ghost writing. Capturing peoples’ voices is a tad bit exhausting (but it’s good practice though). Posting here started to remind me of work, so I had to take a step back before building resentment.

There’s a thought that’s been at the forefront of my mind lately.

“If something was to happen to me, how would all my readers know I’m not coming back”

In fact, I’ve thought of this question before (2015) but I didn’t dwell on it. My girlfriend at the time had insisted I give her my password lol in hindsight, not giving her was a good idea. 

One of my students asked me why I don’t want to get married and have kids. I told her “It’s not for me”.

She almost teared up worried, saying “people are not made to be alone in this world”.

I agreed. And reminded her that I wasn’t alone, after-all “I have all of my students”.

She persisted, saying “Yes. we’re here. But what if you ever get sick, or get injured, who will take care of you? Or when you get older, who will be there for you?”

“I don’t know. But I won’t have kids because of that” pause “When it’s time to go, It’s time to go. Let’s enjoy the time we have together. Because these are the good ol’ days”

My students called me stubborn lol they are sweet. I asked them to invite me to their weddings and they said they would.

Dear reader, truth is I don’t see myself giving anyone access to this account. Not in the near future at least. I don’t know what the future holds.

What I can say with full certainty is that if you see me absent from this blog for an entire year. Well, best to assume I’m not coming back. I’ve been doing this for so long that I literally feel weird when I haven’t said anything here. It’s obviously not some kind of moral obligation that drives me to come back; I just enjoy this, and I definitely don’t see my life moving without it.

Despite everything I’ve said, this is also an appreciation post to everyone who has read my work and listened to my Spoken Word poetry. To those that stayed open minded and didn’t judge, those who were kind and willing to talk despite having no incentive to do so. 

Thank you.

– O.D. ©2021

Art by: W33DZO

10 Replies to “Looking Forward To Yesterday.”

  1. I appreciate you!!!

    That said.. somewhat recently I had an experience (third like it) where I nearly died. I fought it, for once, and came back. Anyway, it prompted me to get some of my affairs in order, as they say. I wrote a letter to my best friend, also a WordPress blogger, with my passwords and instructions for both here and Instagram. I put a stamp on it and gave it to my mom, instructing her to put the letter in the mail should I die.

    Then, I made a list of all my clients and contact info that I have on my desk and I gave someone I trust instructions to contact those people directly, as well as a couple key people’s numbers.

    I figure this way, if I die, the few people that might care (or need to know because of legal reasons) would be contacted and my accounts closed. Doing this really gave me some peace of mind for those that would be let down. But like you said, best to consider today the day, live for now and don’t worry about tomorrow.

    I have great respect for you and your outlook as you’ve shared here. I hope to continue reading (and listening!) for a good many years to come. 💕

    1. You’re amazing Tara ✨

      One of the few I like to think of as a friend. You are so open minded and non-judgmental and I LOVE that. Of all the people I’ve known here you’re one of the ones I feel I could have a real heart to heart with. You know, without all the pretentiousness.

      It means a lot to me that you shared that story with me. There are times I genuinely feel like “yeah. This is my last post…I’m done” but to know that others feel something similar kinda awakens something in me, you know?

      I really appreciate you. And my hope is the same. That despite what difficulties we may face. We appreciate these moments and continue to enjoy our creative journey for a really, really, really long time lol Much love Tara ❤️

      1. I feel the same way. Actually, you’ll never know what it means to me to read that. I made some pretty big (for me) decisions recently and once enacted I’m not really sure how it will affect those I rub elbows with, metaphorically speaking. But as you know, there are times and places and seasons we walk through.

        There’s a lot of mediocre writing out there… and I’ve been told that mine is just that on multiple occasions… There’s a lot of downright terrible writing… And there’s some really special work that reaches deeper than the surface. In my opinion, you’re in that last group. That’s why I read your work and listen. Because I can read it several times over and I glean something more each time. That’s the stuff I love.

        Anyway. I do appreciate you and I’m so very glad to see you here.

  2. I really appreciate this post for a number of reasons–your openness and honesty, for starters. I think one of the things we don’t do enough as humans is share our worries and fears so that people see what’s really under the hood…and I think it’s those things that connect us more to each other than all the good things that happen.

    I’ve started making lists of things (accounts, passwords, people to contact) for when I’m gone, for my son to lessen his overwhelm and serve my peace of mind while I’m still here. (I learned the need for that the hard way when my husband died 9 months after a cancer diagnosis). I love Tara’s idea above, too. I don’t see myself remarrying–I like being single too much–but I understand the need to find a way to wrap things up when the inevitable arrives.

    Just discovering your blog. Hoping to see more, but honoring yourself comes first. Thanks for sharing.

    1. You’re right about leaving something. To give those who stay behind closure if something were to happen.

      It warms my heart to hear you appreciate honesty in writing, because I’m all about authenticity and being true to myself. Nothing feels better than connecting with people whilst being yourself.

      It is indeed these experiences and sometimes possible fears that connect us. Because despite our differences there is commonality in death.

      Thank you for reading, I hope to see you again soon ✨

  3. When I was diagnosed with cancer I prepared to die. Not in a depressed way but in a practical way. We had kids that were still young and I wanted their lives to continue as they were. So I scrambled around preparing finances , wills , trusts etc etc etc. And guess what? I am still here. My kids are now adults and the only person who cares about the password to my Facebook page ( in case I pop off in the night )is my husband. And btw O.D I am glad you are still with us!

    1. I absolutely love you Anne lol ✨ . I feel like I’ve known you for so long, much like Tara. There are many people who come and go on WordPress and its so nice to see a familiar face.

      I always say life, or rather the universe, has an interesting sense of humor. We never really know whats going to happen. And when we do, the unexpected happens. I for one an so happy I got to meet you and follow your blog. You really are a ray of light. Keep shining ⭐️

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