CLOUDs (RetrospectIve)

Ideally, poets run a retrospective on someone else’s writing other than their own. You know, to not come across as a pretentious and self-absorbed a**hole. But I don’t know any better.

Once in a while I’m going to start looking over past pieces and sharing what my headspace was at the time. See, I would do this with anyone else’s writing provided I knew them as well as I do myself, but I don’t. So yes, I’ll risk being perceived as self-absorbed a** if means I get to finish this intro a little faster (We good? Good)

 

*****

“The one who will change your world, everyone waits for such a person. It’s the one who willspark a particular side in you and change your perspective on love entirely. Where they are, and what they’re doing is an unknown, but as days go by, you draw ever closer. The relationship will not be perfect because of the persons’ stunning good looks, it will in fact be who they are and what they do that brings the best out of you. It is the one who, unlike the rest of the horde, will not be an additional statistic to your list of lingering problems, but a solution to all of them. Their love will be so strong and warm, it will feel as if they have a physical manifestation of their feelings towards you. Whenever they are in close proximity, you will feel like you’re in a safe haven. It is that one person who will understand you like no other human could. The one who will not tolerate you, but love you unconditionally. That one person who has the ability to increase synergy in a relationship regardless of an argument. It is the one who will give you a reason to smile after a long and hard day, a happiness donor if you will. It is the one you can’t wait to stand with at the end of the aisle. Such a person is undoubtedly hard to find, but eliminating the possibility is tantamount to giving up. People who believe in finding such a person are considered wishful thinkers by a larger fraction of the populace. Indeed, they might be, however it seems notably better to be on the team that still believes in true love and fairy tales than the one that settles for the first frog they see in the pond. Patience is a key virtue, no-one ever said the one you’ll ultimately love will have a name tag. The person could be right next to you, or you may not share any geography or landmarks at the moment, but one thing is for certain, you draw ever closer.” 

 

*****

 

CLOUDs, initially when I wrote this series I was in a relationship; if I could even call it that. Honestly, a parade would have been a more subtle declaration of love than the slow-mo train-wreck that was soon to follow. This piece is the result of being in love with the idea of love and not at all being familiar with the work that comes when you are actually in love. I was a sweet child, because I had even started a category titled “Cloud 9” prepped for moments in my life when I’d be juiced up by someone’s else’s affection.

Outside the obvious lack of spacing, or the eye-breathers we’ve come to call “paragraphs” I really was at the beginning of my writing career. I had been repeatedly told that I’m naive (I still am) but based on present metrics my naivety back then was on a whole new level. You don’t need to look far, simply read the beginning …

“The one who will change your world, everyone waits for such a person”

This is the line that compelled me to do this retrospective. My cringe-o-meter’s needle was tap-dancing in the red, wondering what vein injection elicited me to adopt this head space. Sure, it’s sweet, but the idea of waiting for someone else to make me happy is baffling. I liken it to waiting for permission, and I don’t think anyone should wait. It’s not fair on you nor the person you’re waiting for to start being happy.

“…will not be an additional statistic to your list of lingering problems, but a solution to all of them”

I grew up holding onto this ideal love, a love that pushed me to make a lot of dumb decisions. I don’t use that word lightly, but when critiquing myself I don’t know how else to phrase it.

“The one who will not tolerate you but love you unconditionally”

Nope.

“That one person who has the ability to increase synergy in a relationship regardless of an argument”

I’ve been cruising my past lines through a conveyor belt of lava up until this point but some part of me agrees with this line. I’ve been in many arguments since then and this is something I still relate to.  Disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable, but through careful consideration and open-mindedness many bridges are easy to mend. I’ve known many people who – despite both of us being wrong in an argument are not willing to let something go until you apologize for having an opinion that differs from theirs (or until they punish you).

I prefer just calling them the “n” word. No, not that one;  narcissists. I like good vibes, but not when the pre-requisite is cowering and doing my best to overlook someone else’s toxicity.

“People who believe in finding such a person are considered wishful thinkers by a larger fraction of the populace”

First off, there were no statistics to support this. My mental inclination at the time seemed to associate the idea of being part of the minorities as “special”; it’s not. You either believe what you want to believe or you don’t. Having a greater or lesser chunk of the consensus is not what assures your importance in the universe.  

Now there’s nothing wrong with wanting what I outlined in this piece. I’m not against love; I’m against co-dependency being an archetypal representation of love and harmony. To me, that’s not love , but an un-aired pitch for a black mirror episode.

“…it seems notably better to be on the team that still believes in true love and fairy-tales than the one that settles for the first frog they see in the pond”

I actually still believe in fairy-tales. In fact, I live my fairy-tales each and every day; through writing, exercising my imagination and occasionally lucid dreaming. I believe people should live their fairy-tales in ways they can sustain on their own. Fairy-tales shouldn’t be induced by someone else entering the picture. I just think that’s far too much power to be handing to a stranger (or whoever) …but what do I know….

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Usually when I read work I’ve done in the past, I’m transported to that time and place. I feel everything and I recall how I formed certain connections. Sometimes, I retroactively use these connections to remind myself of the value system I’ve come to build over time. By immortalizing context I can rely on an admittedly unorthodox method of self-assurance.

However, when it comes to this one (CLOUDs), I can’t recall the feeling. I am a stranger to myself in this piece; I have no idea how it all came together. There is only so much I can pin on my inexperience as a writer whilst glaring at blatant falsehoods.

Yep, a phony. Peddling hope as currency. I remember coming off a disastrous break-up during that time — a well earned one too. This prose passage was me trying to imagine someone better than my immediate ex; because I couldn’t bear reflecting on my pain. “What will my readers think of me? I’m a happy person. Depression is lame”

No matter what you think of me, I’m right because I’m talking about myself. It’s been fun; see you later (?)

(Bringing another set of unpopular opinions next week Friday)

 

– O.D. ©2020

 

Art by: snatti89

5 Replies to “CLOUDs (RetrospectIve)”

  1. I enjoyed and appreciated your post. It is sincere, authentic and brave. I do cringe at some of my past ways. It took me time to understand the difference between love and codependency. I also agree about being able to believe in fairy tales because as we grow in our clarity, those miracles and dreams do come true. You said it very well – people should live their fairy-tales in ways they can sustain on their own.

  2. I think it takes courage to look at the past self and be honest about it. I love the image of your cringe-o-meter tap dancing in the red! I’ve been there and know it well!

    1. Haha I was thinking “what the hell was I thinking!?” I can be super harsh with myself, I don’t particularly like the alternative ’cause then I get too relaxed.

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