A break from the poetry/coherent thoughts
I don’t write posts like this often. Usually I’ll share my thoughts through a series or something. But today, I’m just going to say what I feel like saying (which is nothing in particular). I didn’t plan for this post, nor do I really know what I want to write about; I just feel like saying something.
The good thing about blogging is that those who choose to read what anyone has written have made the conscious decision to follow through. Sometimes you come across garbage and sometimes you come across something you love. Its a risk, but we’re all adults here, right?
The other day I had just finished work and was on my way home. By the gate one of my students said, “Are you okay?” and with all the pre-programmed dialogue I could muster I simply said, “Yes, thank you” and then she said, “Are you sure?”
Not gonna lie, that hit me. I simply nodded but internally I really asked myself if I was okay. And the true answer is, “I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m okay. but I don’t really feel like talking about it. Thinking about it, sure. I’ll let you know what I find, IF I find it. And by then I simply won’t feel like talking about it”.
But I couldn’t say that to her. Hell, the other day some students opened up about their depression and suicidal thoughts. I did the one thing I wish my teachers would have done; be vulnerable. Showing humanity. They were so surprised to hear me say I get depressed, often too.
“But you never seem depressed” yeah… I’m not into the whole ruining other peoples day thing. We had a long talk that ended with them telling me they felt much better, as they had been feeling like something was wrong with them. That whole conversation felt like a time capsule.
It annoys me, you know, being told “I like this version of you” when I’m feeling a little talkative or “Ah, I can see you are happy today! That’s great!” Why? why would you make me aware of that?
It’s like getting a pet dog (I love dogs) and someone close to you saying “That’s a really nice dog. It’s a shame it’s going to die one day” Okay, thanks? Technically the truth, but what do you do with that information?
Have you ever talked to someone with no personality. I just think they’re the worst. They pick their favorite parts from people and bundle them all into one amalgamate they hope will please everyone around them. You’re getting liked for who you’re not. The pieces you’re using are borrowed and without their original host they wont evolve but dissolve as you weather them down to the bare minimum. It’s like recess and we’re back at the jungle gym again. Weird segue I know, but I already told you I didn’t plan for this post. I’m just going. Also, I’m hoping everyone that likes my posts on a superficial level has already left so I can start delving deep into what’s bothering me.
I feel like I see the world in a way that just doesn’t make sense to a lot of people.
“I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about! I feel the same way!”
No. Relax. I don’t doubt your experience, but try not to make this whole thing about you. Some people find comfort in numbers, some find comfort in solitude. I don’t know what gives me comfort, but it’s certainly not those two. I don’t wish people understood me, I don’t wish I earned more money or that I was surrounded by loving people. The truth is, I don’t know …And that’s what sucks.
I don’t believe in absolutes yet a part of me wishes there was one. At the same time, absolutes are incredibly boring. So do I need a challenge? I don’t think so. I find competitive people unbearable outside of official competitions. Keep your score card on the pitch, we don’t need it out here. I think love is stupid, and I find that incredibly sweet. It’s as if its a matter of finding who you want to be stupid with. Also, am I wrong if I say every relationship carries expectations? Unconditional. Yeah, right.
Today, I ordered a frappe and got some kind of tea instead. I ordered it in Thai , so it got lost in translation somewhere. I think conflict is a waste of time especially with regards to beverages so I drank it – no, I didn’t like it, but it added a little variety to my day. Albeit, in an unwelcome way (?)
I get in touch with my feelings in a predominantly logical environment and I get very logical when surrounded by people who value feelings. Everyone is manipulative, the difference is whether its unconscious or conscious. I’m stupid enough to divide categories of manipulation into two in the present but I’m smart enough to be aware of the idea that there are far more subcategories of manipulation to consider.
I love how I’ve grown. I love how out of a 100, my capacity to judge others has gone down to 0. 1. Someone who shall remain unnamed (and doesn’t read my blog) told me they love satan. I simply nodded and asked why. I didn’t tell them how to live their life or whether they were right or wrong. I only sought to understand. They said “It speaks to my anger”
I said I’m not religious but I believe in something greater than humanity. “So, God?”
And I said yes, I guess, though not in the way many people make God out to be a humorless dictator. And they said “That’s cool. I respect that”
And the conversation ended with us agreeing that people should do what makes them happy. But they shouldn’t hurt others.
I told someone that if I have a kid i’ll love them with all my heart and nothing else will matter. It was probably weeks (or maybe months later) when they said the exact same thing to me as if they were imparting some unknown knowledge I had yet to digest. Am I delirious or was the person just copy pasting my experience? the truth is, I’ll never know because I don’t care. Some people plant seeds, others just wait for the yield to claim it as their own and others sell the same seeds they find after they buy that yield to the person who sows those seeds. Basically my understanding of the world and all its underlying systems.
Natural disasters being that stray metal bolt that ends up going into a jet engine. No-one wanted it to end up there, but it did. All because the engineer was tired from a hard days work of volunteering at a homeless shelter. Good intentions, bad results, bad intentions, good results and vice versa.
A lady asked when I’m planning to get married and I asked if they’re curious because we’ll all share a bed together. They said “That’s a good one, I’m going to use it in the future”
You should, it is a good one.
Another case of my philanthropy included an old friend telling me they regretted not calling me a genius in high school, when we were still classmates. She said “I didn’t tell you because I was afraid you’d get a big head”. Alright, that makes sense I guess.
There was a pause, then she laughed saying “Please don’t get a big head now”
“Why would I get a big head? It’s not my first time hearing it”
“Oh my god! I knew you’d say something like that!”
Yes, well, it was a nice reminder anyway. I can appreciate that.
Oh no, another post teetering on fostering negativity. Quick, spice it with something positive …
- Ice-cream is nice.
- Video games make me happy.
- I had a nice dream today.
I think I’ve met my positivity quota. Lord knows most can’t handle people sharing their personal truths. But what do I know, I’m just a guy who loves writing.
– O.D. ©2020
Art by: AngelGanev