Undulating.

Proclaiming shamelessly that those who commit suicide are weak

Beckons me to give you news that will split your mind in three.

The good: Today, you learn something new.

The bad: You get to learn that you were far smarter a second ago;

Far smarter in fact, before deciding to lampshade the mushroom cloud;

The mushroom cloud that is ….

The ugly: … Your overbearing ignorance.

– O.D. ©2020

Art by: CaringWong

People who attempt suicide are not weak, they are in psychological pain and are in need of help. You may think it’s irrational for someone to end their life when looking from the perspective of someone who has yet to go through similar pain. And how could you? We’re all different.

Suicide is an act that comes from pain, not weakness. People that attempt/ commit suicide are in fact afraid to die. But the pain they will be going through will be so overwhelming that they see no other way to stop it. I understand how easy it may be for some people to judge and make light of someone else’s pain. After all, I grew up being told the remedy for being depressed was to simply “cheer up” and to stop being “so sensitive, like a lady”

“You’re feeling depressed? But you’re so young, Wait till you’re an adult then you’ll know what true depression is”

True depression? What the f*ck is that bullsh*t? Like there’s some kind of absolute depression that blankets all other forms of depression. F*cking morons, the lot of them. If you have no knowledge to impart because you don’t understand a particular issue well — or rather, if you have nothing constructive to offer, Have the decency to keep your mouth shut.

What pisses me off is how many people commit suicide because they are afraid to open up to all these judgy idiots. These idiots who feel they have suffered more than anyone else. How many more people would we be able to help if these idiots weren’t so flippant about how they address issues regarding suicide? I don’t like cursing, but this issue really gets me heated.

I never told my parents this story (only my sister) because I was afraid they would worry. But at the start of 2020 I was flooded by suicidal thoughts. My poetry did nothing to hide this. I don’t need to get into the particulars of how it reached that point, but, well, everything sucked. It’s like, try as I might, when looking all around me, all I saw were ways I could kill myself in the least painful way.

These thoughts are “gone”now but I know they could just as easily come back. I’m at a point in my life where I no longer know if I’m depressed or not. Take that however you wish, but it has helped me empathize with those in pain. I may not know exactly what they are going through, but I’ve felt and understood a similar pain in my own unique way. And i’ll try, in any way I can to give them a listening ear, and if my writing lights up their day, even better.

But much like everyone else, I have good and bad days; and that is, at times, reflected in my writing. Despite trying to help others, I need to make time to help myself; and this might mean writing a piece that carries little to no positivity.

I believe in helping people help themselves, not saving. Fostering self-reliance; not co-dependency. I’m a teacher, not a cult leader.

12 Replies to “Undulating.”

    1. I hesitated sharing my story but I ended up feeling compelled to. I feel like in certain circles the risks of suicide are undermined by culture, tradition e.t.c.

      I suppose when discussing issues such as this, there is no room to hold back. Lived are at stake. Nothing is worth a human life ⭐️

      Thank you for the lovely comment ❤️

  1. You’re right! like the ancient saying goes ”Its better to teach a man how to fish, rather than giving him a fish”. I’ve had my fair share of suicidal thoughts, and so I empathize and sympathize with you and everyone who is going through depression. I’m glad such thoughts no longer plague your mind, but like you said they can easily come back. All it takes is one bad day for depression to catch you in its grip. When it comes to fighting depression I believe your writing–and that of many other inspiring writers–has the power to light up our days, and so I thank you for writing such uplifting posts, and ask that you continue doing so. You may not have a clue, but it changes our blue into a brighter hue…

    1. Thank you for your kind words Lazarus. Writing does help me significantly. ⭐️ If you don’t mind me asking, when you had suicidal thoughts, how did you deal with them?

      1. You’re welcome… I don’t mind you asking at all. Well, I wouldn’t say I dealt with them. It’s more like the things that gave me such thoughts got better and so my thoughts went away too

  2. Thank you! I am sick and tired of people saying suicide is a cowards way out or suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Clearly you understand how real that pain is. The impenetrable darkness of death is preferable to the pain of life. and I also think it is not a selfish act. Those who kill themselves believe those they leave behind are better off without them. I come from a long line of suicides. My Great Aunt took her life in her early twenties, my fathers cousin jumped off the top of his building at age 70 and finally my Father put a gun to his head when I was 16. He was 61 years old. I suffered from depression in my mid 20s but have been spared since then and I am now 71. But I remember it well. So again, thank you for speaking out and my wish for you is that you will be spared those black dogs of depression as you advance in years.

    1. Thank you for passing some light my way Anne. Doing what I can to raise awareness, I know many other bloggers do the same, but I had to do my part as well. Most people have grown careless with the words they use when talking about issues such as these.

      The world needs more empathy ⭐️

  3. Excellent poem and spot on with the afterword. As someone who has attempted suicide before on multiple occasions and periodically find myself in that place again, I wholeheartedly agree. Most recently, I had a woman tell me to get it over with and go kill myself already. It was her vicious attacks and slander that really woke me up, it made me angry, as she had mentioned on multiple occasions that she herself suffers from depression. (I actually at that point contacted a lawyer who advised me what to legally do about her, to which I did…) but her attitude toward me and her reprehensible words took me to a place mentally where I realized I’m not going to do that again. My response to her (anger, as in, how could ANYONE in their right mind tell someone else quite sincerely to go kill themselves) made me realize that I DO care. I care enough to fight. Even when it doesn’t make sense or feels like there’s no worth in it, I fight. I struggle. I keep on. I give voice to those that don’t have one. I refuse to NOT talk about it. Pretending it doesn’t exist, that I struggle and fight to keep moving forward, benefits no one. And it lets the depression win, as it were. No. I may have my times of depression and suicidal thoughts or self-harm and self-loathing… but they don’t define me. And I carry on.

    1. Exactly Tara! You carry on! Thank you so much for sharing your story ⭐️ its so easy for anyone to think they’re going through everything alone when they don’t talk about it. Yet there are many of us dealing with similar problems ❤️

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