This is a post I have put off on numerous occasions. It’s hard to explain the frustrations that come with dealing with manipulative and narcissistic people. People who feel they have an exalted presence and are exempt from the rules they set for others. It’s at moments like this I wish no one close to me knew about my blog so I could air everything out freely. But then again, it’s probably for the best; because now I just don’t care. People can hate me or despise me, but I need to put this down.
Maybe through this post, it will finally click in their head how I’m not the biggest fan of their lies. Because I’ve tried…I’ve tried way more than I should to bridge our differences and perhaps make it clear how I don’t like their behaviour.
Before you think I’m talking about the devil let me make a few things clear. At their core, I truly believe this “friend” has the potential to be a truly great person. I believe they, at times, want what’s best for others (But….I JUST can’t ignore their bullsh*t).
Warning: There is no real cohesion in this post, I am going to say things as they come to mind. It’s a Rant.
I’ve known this person since high school. And perhaps I am at fault for not calling them out sooner; because it was then that I noticed how they lie way too much. When I got a girlfriend and they heard about it, they created an artificial girlfriend in their head to try and compete. I say “created” because when I was interested in seeing or at the very least talking to their girlfriend there were no pictures or even a number I could call to get acquainted. They gave plenty of reasons running from “they are not at this school” and “I only meet them when I’m at home” (Okay, fine. Not my relationship, not my problem) I didn’t persist further.
Sometimes, out of nowhere, they would say things like, “You know if we were to enter a fight right now I could kick your a** right?” from absolutely nowhere. Such instances never stuck with me too long, I was young and had no real way of processing and connecting it all together in a cohesive way. but I certainly remember how uncomfortable it made me when these moments would occur. Shallow resentment on my part but I still considered them my friend. Maybe I should have told them I don’t like it, but I wasn’t really the talkative type. It was my friend’s competitive side slowly showing face; if we can even call it that.
The kicker though, was when I was interested in this girl and I made them know I was. They knew, full well, that I liked this girl and still went on to lie that the girl had confessed their love for them. Not only that, but my friend had proceeded to reject them (What a hero huh). It’s funny in retrospect, but it wasn’t then. I don’t know how my “friend” overlooked the fact that this girl and I used to talk every day, and when I asked her about it she laughed so hard. It’s the kind of laugh someone makes when an outrageous claim is made. She insisted on confronting him but I didn’t feel it was necessary. I felt a little weird allowing her to call out my friend because I had exposed him. Knowing that my friend had lied seemed to be enough for me, so she didn’t persist (What can I say, I was a dumb kid) I valued not hurting my friend’s feelings over revealing the truth.
Admittedly, there were good moments in the friendship. Why else would we be friends right? There were moments when we talked and things connected; everything in the world making a lot more sense. But all these moments were overshadowed by the lies and deceit; I couldn’t seem to get over it no matter how I tried. During my teenage years those issues were an afterthought, after all, I had plenty to distract me. But now that I live far away from everyone, all I have of this “friend” is a cocktail of euphoric moments and the most egregious lies. When the memories I have shared of them are the template for our friendship in its initial stages; is it wrong of me to question every little thing they say? Especially when they are no longer in close proximity.
I don’t mean to sound absolutist but I’m not kidding when I say In every story they share with me, they are either the victim or the hero. People are either screwing them over and betraying their trust or everyone around them is in awe of their brilliance. Look, I’m not saying all these stories are false, but I’m not saying I’ll believe all of them either; given our history. Someone can call the past the past but it’s hard to overlook liars and old habits changing. It’s also easy to harken back to old memories of someone when reflecting on the relationship you have with them. Memories are all I have of everyone at this point.
And they (my “friend”) for some reason consider themselves the expert of knowing people. I have lost count on how many times I have mentioned someone in my inner circle only to have this “friend” covertly badmouth them. They can say things like “She looks like she’s very proud” or “This person must be annoying huh…” Perhaps because they feel their position is threatened? I told them that they are often hypocritical and manipulative to which I was answered with redirections.
“So are you telling me that you have never manipulated anyone? Or that you have never been a hypocrite?” ==== just one of the answers I receive when trying to confront an issue; Strawman tactics over strawman tactics.
I made mention to my friend on how they should not wait till I raise a particular issue to redirect it to whatever issue they may have with me. It’s exhausting, this is vampiric behaviour at it’s best. You have no idea how annoying it is to try and have a healthy intervention and someone is taking it as an attack; trying to hit back as quickly as possible. Like we’re in a competition or something. It made me wish I had called my friend out when I had the chance; perhaps that would have helped. To make them see that they are not as slick and clever with their lies as they may have deluded themselves into thinking.
My friend will often try to deduce how I feel about certain things. And when I tell them they are wrong, they get annoyed. One point they blamed their inaccurate deductions on me not saying much about myself. I don’t need to mention how much horse crap someone has to house in their body to say something like that.
I keep insisting they figure themselves out instead of honing in on others. Whether they listen to what I say, I don’t know; and quite frankly I’ve reached a point where I don’t care. It got so bad that I had to set boundaries. Distancing myself because I was tired of trying. How do you help someone who is not willing to help themselves? They are not my responsibility nor am I theirs. They need to grow up and see that their way of living life is not beneficial to anyone (except them, probably?)
So, tell me, with all this information in mind:
When my friend says two people are currently vying for their affection? Am I supposed to believe that?
When they speak ill of a mutual friend and tell me to trust what they say, am I supposed to believe that? Because I’m always inclined to believe whoever they are speaking ill of.
When they ask me questions about anything I’m remotely interested in, or my personal life, how am I not supposed to think its a covert attempt at judging and measuring me? How do I know they are not speaking ill of me to others?
Whether they read this or not isn’t the point. I wrote this to exorcise this nonsense once and for all. I can’t keep dealing with this anymore. I realise keeping quiet makes liars think they are clever. I should have addressed it when I had the chance but I guess I was afraid of hurting their feelings seeing as how badly they wanted me to believe their false stories. But to say I am responsible for who they have become is a stretch. I have tried to call them out on occasion with varying results. They seem to understand at times but still resort to the same tactics.
So, friend, I’m done trying. Perhaps you will find someone a little more patient than I am. I delayed writing this because I felt responsible for you; but I’m not. You will always be my friend, but not at the same depth. I encourage you working on yourself to become a better version of yourself. And until you are honest with yourself and all your faults; nothing will change. You will always be stuck in the same place.
And also, if you are unsure if this is about you, you know what they say, “If the shoe fits…”
Art by: kevron2001
19 Replies to “The Flow (Part 3)”
My weakness. No patience. I must slow myself down and think. Great words and thoughts shared my friend.
I cannot advise, I have no patience. Sorry.
Me neither. Its truly a frustrating situation.
Quite the story huh…
I think you’ve been extremely patient!!
Sometimes you look at a toxic friendship and you keep it going because you consider how long you’ve known each other and whether you are ‘abandoning’ them by distancing yourself. But in truth, there is no justification for sticking with friends that carry bad values.
It’s complicated isn’t it. I think there comes a point when you realize that you are not the people you were when the friendship began and if your values don’t mesh – neither will a continued friendship…
Agreed. Entirely. 🙂 Thank you for commenting, it means a lot
Good for you for taking this step. You’re free! If you do a search- you will find these energy vampires live amongst us disguised in their charm and occasional good deeds. Well done OD💪🏽
Hey Vivian. energy vampires do good to hide themselves. I think the craziest part is most of them are unaware they are. Toxicity runs rampant; somehow I feel they also feed off it.
I get the feeling you also had to deal with your fair share of energy vampires.
Oh boy, I could tell you stories… but they can’t help it…they grow up that way and are usually enable by family members.
You are so right! What you’re saying aligns fully with the friend I mentioned in this post lol vampires are so exhausting; so entitled.
Oh gosh. Dont know what to say. There are some people in our that even after this wont get it. I often limit my interaction and give my self space to get stronger then their nonsense wont bother me si much. Cause there are some who only get worse and dont have the capacity to understand, there i am the one who must change my ways.😊
You are so right!
Lol I’ve witnessed exactly what you’re talking about first hand. It’s like you think by mentioning the issue they’ll act on it but instead, they choose to double-down.
And your method of dealing with it is very wise. If someone chooses to continue being toxic then it is left to us to re-adjust our priorities 🙂
The thing is the toxic person or other person doesn’t realise their behaviour. They think they are okay and your the mad one. It is all perspective. Another thought to add to the mix. Take a class room of students, not all are A***** , some are B’s, C’s etc. In life too we are number wise in our capacity. There are thinkers and doers, then there are enjoy life to the max, copy and shallow and never read or expand after school etc.. it doesnt a thinker doesnt enjoy, they enjoy in a different way. There is a quote i love that goes… some people die physically at 75 but the died the day they left school because they stop learning.
We are different. It hard for thinkers to be with easy going laid people who copy everything you do, who dont change or grow up. But that laid back person wont get it cause they think they are okay. It really is a no win situation. Unless the person realises they need to change, there is nothing we can do, but change ourself with the help of distance. Then they become a tad bearable. It isnt easy cause that person was once dear to us, so dear and then we wake up and see with eyes that makes them intolerable , because as we grow and they dont. But hey we can have good wishes that they wise up but keep a healthy distance until we fix ourself to face them again. We are coloured by the company we keep and if we are on growth , learning, and transformation path and they are not, they drag us down.
Have a fab a weekend. Let it go and live a happy life. Just focus on the best version of yourself that makes life more enjoyable.
Thank you so much for the advice. Enjoyed my weekend to the fullest, focused on all the things I enjoy doing. I hope you enjoyed your weekend as well 🙂
Yes it was very good thanks