Off-Kilter

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I paint the picture with an askew frame of mind 

You would have to tilt your head to get a better look

And even then, it would be half the journey to deciphering

The pages zerg rushed by the slickness of my ink.

 

The slant of my nature is not intentional

The same can’t be said about my ability to encumber the page

Of my journal, with words. I pour; heart and soul,

With Victoria Falls-like velocity

Try not to pass judgement till you witness

How Italics look upright given my point of view

Also, the reverse is true.

 

If ever I’m not in control of my state of mind

I hold tight to the steering wheel till I make it mine

Letting go of all the baggage,

Letting it slip through my fingers with a likeness similar to

Attempts at getting a firm grip

On the definitive shape of water. 

 

– O.D. ©2019

 

Art by: kevron2001

 

Thank you to everyone who commented and gave me advice on my post The Flow (Part 3). You didn’t have to, and yet you did, and I truly appreciate all of your kind words.

I have been focussing on the things I love doing. Using all my energy to stay productive and continue ongoing projects. The alternative is getting stuck in my head and at the moment, it’s not the cosiest place.

Enjoy your week 🙂

 

The Flow (Part 3)

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This is a post I have put off on numerous occasions. It’s hard to explain the frustrations that come with dealing with manipulative and narcissistic people. People who feel they have an exalted presence and are exempt from the rules they set for others. It’s at moments like this I wish no one close to me knew about my blog so I could air everything out freely. But then again, it’s probably for the best; because now I just don’t care. People can hate me or despise me, but I need to put this down.

Maybe through this post, it will finally click in their head how I’m not the biggest fan of their lies. Because I’ve tried…I’ve tried way more than I should to bridge our differences and perhaps make it clear how I don’t like their behaviour. 

Before you think I’m talking about the devil let me make a few things clear. At their core, I truly believe this “friend” has the potential to be a truly great person. I believe they, at times, want what’s best for others (But….I JUST can’t ignore their bullsh*t)

 

Warning: There is no real cohesion in this post, I am going to say things as they come to mind. It’s a Rant.

 

Some context:

I’ve known this person since high school. And perhaps I am at fault for not calling them out sooner; because it was then that I noticed how they lie way too much. When I got a girlfriend and they heard about it, they created an artificial girlfriend in their head to try and compete. I say “created” because when I was interested in seeing or at the very least talking to their girlfriend there were no pictures or even a number I could call to get acquainted. They gave plenty of reasons running from “they are not at this school” and “I only meet them when I’m at home” (Okay, fine. Not my relationship, not my problem) I didn’t persist further. 

Sometimes, out of nowhere, they would say things like, “You know if we were to enter a fight right now I could kick your a** right?” from absolutely nowhere. Such instances never stuck with me too long, I was young and had no real way of processing and connecting it all together in a cohesive way. but I certainly remember how uncomfortable it made me when these moments would occur. Shallow resentment on my part but I still considered them my friend. Maybe I should have told them I don’t like it, but I wasn’t really the talkative type. It was my friend’s competitive side slowly showing face; if we can even call it that. 

The kicker though, was when I was interested in this girl and I made them know I was. They knew, full well, that I liked this girl and still went on to lie that the girl had confessed their love for them. Not only that, but my friend had proceeded to reject them (What a hero huh). It’s funny in retrospect, but it wasn’t then. I don’t know how my “friend” overlooked the fact that this girl and I used to talk every day, and when I asked her about it she laughed so hard. It’s the kind of laugh someone makes when an outrageous claim is made. She insisted on confronting him but I didn’t feel it was necessary. I felt a little weird allowing her to call out my friend because I had exposed him. Knowing that my friend had lied seemed to be enough for me, so she didn’t persist (What can I say, I was a dumb kid) I valued not hurting my friend’s feelings over revealing the truth.

Admittedly, there were good moments in the friendship. Why else would we be friends right? There were moments when we talked and things connected; everything in the world making a lot more sense. But all these moments were overshadowed by the lies and deceit; I couldn’t seem to get over it no matter how I tried. During my teenage years those issues were an afterthought, after all, I had plenty to distract me. But now that I live far away from everyone, all I have of this “friend” is a cocktail of euphoric moments and the most egregious lies. When the memories I have shared of them are the template for our friendship in its initial stages; is it wrong of me to question every little thing they say? Especially when they are no longer in close proximity.

I don’t mean to sound absolutist but I’m not kidding when I say In every story they share with me, they are either the victim or the hero. People are either screwing them over and betraying their trust or everyone around them is in awe of their brilliance. Look, I’m not saying all these stories are false, but I’m not saying I’ll believe all of them either; given our history. Someone can call the past the past but it’s hard to overlook liars and old habits changing. It’s also easy to harken back to old memories of someone when reflecting on the relationship you have with them.  Memories are all I have of everyone at this point.

And they (my “friend”) for some reason consider themselves the expert of knowing people. I have lost count on how many times I have mentioned someone in my inner circle only to have this “friend” covertly badmouth them. They can say things like “She looks like she’s very proud”  or “This person must be annoying huh…” Perhaps because they feel their position is threatened? I told them that they are often hypocritical and manipulative to which I was answered with redirections.

“So are you telling me that you have never manipulated anyone? Or that you have never been a hypocrite?” ==== just one of the answers I receive when trying to confront an issue; Strawman tactics over strawman tactics.

I made mention to my friend on how they should not wait till I raise a particular issue to redirect it to whatever issue they may have with me. It’s exhausting, this is vampiric behaviour at it’s best. You have no idea how annoying it is to try and have a healthy intervention and someone is taking it as an attack; trying to hit back as quickly as possible. Like we’re in a competition or something. It made me wish I had called my friend out when I had the chance; perhaps that would have helped. To make them see that they are not as slick and clever with their lies as they may have deluded themselves into thinking.

My friend will often try to deduce how I feel about certain things. And when I tell them they are wrong, they get annoyed. One point they blamed their inaccurate deductions on me not saying much about myself. I don’t need to mention how much horse crap someone has to house in their body to say something like that.

I keep insisting they figure themselves out instead of honing in on others. Whether they listen to what I say, I don’t know; and quite frankly I’ve reached a point where I don’t care. It got so bad that I had to set boundaries. Distancing myself because I was tired of trying. How do you help someone who is not willing to help themselves? They are not my responsibility nor am I theirs. They need to grow up and see that their way of living life is not beneficial to anyone (except them, probably?)

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So, tell me, with all this information in mind:

When my friend says two people are currently vying for their affection? Am I supposed to believe that?

When they speak ill of a mutual friend and tell me to trust what they say, am I supposed to believe that? Because I’m always inclined to believe whoever they are speaking ill of.

When they ask me questions about anything I’m remotely interested in, or my personal life, how am I not supposed to think its a covert attempt at judging and measuring me? How do I know they are not speaking ill of me to others?

Whether they read this or not isn’t the point. I wrote this to exorcise this nonsense once and for all. I can’t keep dealing with this anymore. I realise keeping quiet makes liars think they are clever. I should have addressed it when I had the chance but I guess I was afraid of hurting their feelings seeing as how badly they wanted me to believe their false stories. But to say I am responsible for who they have become is a stretch. I have tried to call them out on occasion with varying results. They seem to understand at times but still resort to the same tactics. 

So, friend, I’m done trying. Perhaps you will find someone a little more patient than I am. I delayed writing this because I felt responsible for you; but I’m not. You will always be my friend, but not at the same depth. I encourage you working on yourself to become a better version of yourself. And until you are honest with yourself and all your faults; nothing will change. You will always be stuck in the same place.

And also, if you are unsure if this is about you, you know what they say,  “If the shoe fits…” 

 

Art by: kevron2001

//Not Complicated//

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Ours is a world

That does not need you

To understand.

 

– O.D. ©2019

 

Art by: Megan O’Rourke

 

There are layers to this micro poem some will fully uncover. At least I hope they do; always happy to find like minds. 

 

I’ll be touching on one of the layers below:

Understanding. Be okay with not understanding a writer in your household or direct vicinity. Be okay with accepting the fact that our complexity is not a gimmick, it’s who we are. In truth, we’re not complex at all; we’re just difficult to categorize. We become complex when you try to understand us through our functions (don’t). And why would you even try to categorize a writer, let alone people in general? What sick games are you playing? 

Be in the moment. Have a conversation with us without having to try your hardest to connect dots as to why we do the things we do.

 

We’re not your puzzle to solve.

We do not need fixing.

Fix yourself. 

 

The sooner you accept that, the better we’ll get along.

 

(But that’s just one writer’s thoughts…)

Leave(s)

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Rooted firmly, yet from the presupposed vertical path

I choose to take a chance, I offshoot.

Branching off from those that bark incessantly

Adjoined they are, with the consensus, in interpreting

What I say, however they want.

Neither here nor there,

Naturally, I’m part of a bigger whole,

Indulging in that which has been graciously provided

For each and every one of us; light.

As a result, don’t let the green that drapes over me

Confuse you with notions of naivety;

It’s just my favourite colour.

 

That’s right, an entire verse laced with

Subtle nods to a greater metaphor:

A tree. And where I fit.

But some wouldn’t see that unless I broke the fourth wall

Or they chose to read it twice.

Some would rather I water down my delivery

To compensate for their understanding,

Which they for some reason equate to everyone else’s.

Well, excuse me for giving my avid readers too much credit.

 

Make space and lay down my isolated lines

Take them in at your own pace and get your fix

Addicted, to natural energy dug up from within

High off life, letting the remnants of my energy

Leak through my words. I don’t need it all,

But someone out there certainly does;

A palette cleanser, I am, as I write my troubles out of existence

With a synthesis reminiscent 

Of creation, in reverse.

 

Please don’t excuse me for just another people pleaser

Or worse, an eager leader

I’ve been too busy trying to unearth the limitations of my mind

Hence, I could not, in good conscience take the responsibility

Of leading everyone else through life’s grind.

 

So, when that day comes;

And, of course, it will

It comes for all of us

Know that the truth that lies in my heart

Bears more weight than what anyone could ever say

About me, or to me.

 

– O.D. ©2019

 

Art by: kevron2001

 

 

 

 

But, Why?

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Because I can.

 

– O.D. ©2019

 

Art by: JoeyJazz

 

At times, I get asked why I write some of the things I write. Sometimes its genuine curiosity and sometimes (but very rarely) its a covert attempt at digging through my values. To whoever wonders why I do what I do, the answer is this micro-poem.

I will write about whatever I want with no intention of leaving anyone hurt. But the truth is, whenever you explore ideas you run the risk of offending someone; and that’s an outcome I’m prepared to be accountable for. I don’t write for anyone to kiss my a** but to find like minds who I can share and explore ideas with. And I won’t be neutered by a conformist who seeks to please every Jack and Jill on the planet.

So yes, I will write about Black empowerment, I will write about love, I will write about gun violence, I will write about alcohol/drugs, I will write about hope, I will write about sex or a combination of all the above. The thing you don’t want me to talk about because you feel I will lose readers is the exact thing I’m drawn to write about. 

I value my readers, but letting them dictate all the issues I address is as good as being a robot. And for the readers that have been with me from the beginning, they know I’ve always been this way. Being true to who I am is the best thing I feel I can offer to anyone who has taken the time to read what I write.