Unforgiving of myself
If ever I am to speak
Solely for the sake of speaking;
An empty shell, relaying echoes heard
From the depths of a bottomless pit
Speaking, without thinking, without consideration
Of who or where my words
Are being given direction.
As if in silence, my essence decays in worth
As if to be relevant, my mouth, in every instant
Needs to be agape, like a cold-blooded reptile
Seeking to cool off from the daily routine.
What I say to you must have value
It must unquestionably come from the heart;
You may not like it,
It may not always be perfect,
According to the standards set
By everyone else, but it is perfect to me
A result of its imperfections.
Never intending to be preachy
Lord knows I would never dream of it
My only hope is that what I say, I say once,
And through depth, Is heard twice.
– O.D. ©2018
Art by: yuumei
Admittedly, on many occasions, I have lost control and I have ended up lashing at people. I’m not proud of it, but I feel at the time it was necessary given I only do that when I have been pushed into a corner. However, I have noticed something about myself in such instances. Even when I believe someone has reached my last nerve, I never curse; there is an unsaid code me and my best friend abide by, to never rely on curse words to get our points across. I personally feel like it detracts from what I am actually trying to say to the person; regardless of the tone I may be using in anger (but that’s just me).
Unrelated (sort of): On Thursday I was talking to a fellow co-worker about how living life believing in absolutes is, quite possibly, a recipe for disaster.
I believe striving for the absolute can, at times, be very fruitful in terms of motivation. Even in terms of things like being honest, but in the long haul it stops you from seeing what may yield potential around you. For example, In the midst of a conversation I told one of my friends that I am a calm person, and he denied it. It was not because I’m not a calm person but because I did not meet his standard of being a calm person. He believes for someone to be considered “calm” they need to be calm all the time, and if ever they lash out (Like I once did); they are not calm.
My best friend (who happens to read my blog, ‘sorry bud, take one for the team’) succinctly expressed doubt in my level of emotional intelligence, that perchance I over-estimate it. I told him that how I treat my friends and family is relatively different from how I treat people I do not know. With people I know, my guard is lowered; with those I don’t know or those in a professional setting, I am always on alert. Emotional intelligence does not start being considered when it meets certain criteria; everyone has it and showcases it in different doses. There are particular absolutes we impose on others consciously and sub-consciously, leading to unnecessary self-doubt that could easily be avoided with a little more awareness of a reality that is beyond our own.
What I am getting at with all this is that we need to be careful of the absolutes we use to measure things like success, wealth, intelligence or even happiness. We (rather, I) tend to be guarded around people with an all or nothing mentality towards others and elements around them. It is a rather binary approach to thinking that leaves no room for anything of value in-between. I do not want to offend anyone by saying it is a self-esteem issue that causes this, but perhaps it is because:
Why else would you question what someone else is content with based on your metric?
Why would you make them re-think their position of wealth, happiness or success if you see them happy and in good health, yet to you it does not seem ideal?
What makes your measurement of the IDEAL, ideal? based on what? What you believe to be ideal, or what you do not believe to be ideal?
Either way, I choose not to live by anyone elses’ standards. I am a difficult person, I know (I have been told numerous times) and it frustrates many people around me (even those who were potential love interests that chose to let go), but perhaps we will talk about that in a different post entirely 🙂