Month: July 2018

Transparency (Part 2)

Transparency (Part 3)

 

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As each day ends

I wipe the slate clean,

For what I think I am today, could, in essence,

Not be who I am tomorrow

Present consciousness lost to death’s cousin

Waking up, I rise anew

Refusing to cling to perception, or rather,

The malleable form that encompasses the words 

I am often handed 

I take comfort in knowing, that I know nothing 

That I do not have the answers to everything

Each day I live and I learn, meditating on my experiences

Coming out on the other end

A little less wrong about life than before.

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

Art by: yuumei

 

I hope everyone is having a lovely Tuesday. Wednesday incoming, let’s kick this week into high gear!

Also, this will be a three-part series, for those interested in knowing 🙂

 

She called me to madness

And I, unquestionably, wholeheartedly;

Succumbed,

Body and mind.

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

Art by: yuumei

 

In my last post Binaural, I talked briefly about how difficult I can be to deal with; especially under romance conditions. 

Side note: I started a series (in 2014) on this blog dedicated to my search for “the one”, and I titled it CLOUDs; I later ended the series after a few realizations I am about to share with you.

What I was looking for was an image of what I believed to be ideal, an image impossible to match. Yes, love exists, but not in the way I thought I understood it. Reading through the CLOUDs poems in 2018 makes me cringe just a little haha, perhaps because my perspective on relationships has taken a massive shift. Initially, I thought what I wanted was love built on co-dependency; I can’t live without them and they can’t live without me e.t.c. However, reflecting on what I seek now, this view couldn’t be further from the truth.

What I want now, is a partner, strong in her own right regardless of my presence. Perhaps the most important element is high self-esteem/self-confidence with little to no need for validation from anyone. I always liken it to two islands (me and her) somewhat merging into one. So it’s like we are self-sustaining individually but capable of working as a team. 

This shift has made me lose quite a few potential love interests who believed what I am looking for as not being love, but me being guarded. I once told a girl that I am capable of love, but I do not lose myself in the process. She protested, saying that if I do not lose myself then I am not truly “All in” (I will let you decide on whether she was right or wrong).

To another, I passively mentioned how If we ever got married I would prefer three beds (one for her, one for me and the last for the lovemaking; yes, euphemism).

“Three beds? but why?” she asked

To which I told her, “For comfort reasons”

I told her that having three beds would mean on those hot, hot nights I could sleep with the coolness of an entire bed without worrying about all the heat my partner would be generating. It would not mean I love her any less, it would mean I prefer comfort at that given time. She was taken aback, rather confused; jokingly called me crazy for even thinking like that. Yes, perhaps I am crazy but when it comes to my beauty sleep; I take no compromises 😀

The point is, you will probably see me write a lot about what happens around me and how I wish to go about things. You will see me write about what I like and don’t like, but at the same time, I know just how difficult I am. The only thing I can say for certain is that I cherish my core values and stick to what I want. Perhaps my idea of love has taken a few adjustments, but I find myself loving the idea of just expressing myself without hesitation. The fact is, it is either we (me and her) get along now, or we don’t; no need to hide behind a veil hoping someone likes me when I know I’m all kinds of complicated.

 

 

Unforgiving of myself 

If ever I am to speak

Solely for the sake of speaking;

An empty shell, relaying echoes heard

From the depths of a bottomless pit

Speaking, without thinking, without consideration

Of who or where my words

Are being given direction.

 

As if in silence, my essence decays in worth

As if to be relevant, my mouth, in every instant

Needs to be agape, like a cold-blooded reptile

Seeking to cool off from the daily routine.

 

What I say to you must have value

It must unquestionably come from the heart;

You may not like it,

It may not always be perfect,

According to the standards set 

By everyone else, but it is perfect to me

A result of its imperfections.

 

Never intending to be preachy

Lord knows I would never dream of it

My only hope is that what I say, I say once,

And through depth, Is heard twice.

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

Art by: yuumei

 

Admittedly, on many occasions, I have lost control and I have ended up lashing at people. I’m not proud of it, but I feel at the time it was necessary given I only do that when I have been pushed into a corner. However, I have noticed something about myself in such instances. Even when I believe someone has reached my last nerve, I never curse; there is an unsaid code me and my best friend abide by, to never rely on curse words to get our points across. I personally feel like it detracts from what I am actually trying to say to the person; regardless of the tone I may be using in anger (but that’s just me).

 

Unrelated (sort of): On Thursday I was talking to a fellow co-worker about how living life believing in absolutes is, quite possibly, a recipe for disaster.

I believe striving for the absolute can, at times, be very fruitful in terms of motivation. Even in terms of things like being honest, but in the long haul it stops you from seeing what may yield potential around you. For example, In the midst of a conversation I told one of my friends that I am a calm person, and he denied it. It was not because I’m not a calm person but because I did not meet his standard of being a calm person. He believes for someone to be considered “calm” they need to be calm all the time, and if ever they lash out (Like I once did); they are not calm.

My best friend (who happens to read my blog, ‘sorry bud, take one for the team’) succinctly expressed doubt in my level of emotional intelligence, that perchance I over-estimate it. I told him that how I treat my friends and family is relatively different from how I treat people I do not know. With people I know, my guard is lowered; with those I don’t know or those in a professional setting, I am always on alert. Emotional intelligence does not start being considered when it meets certain criteria; everyone has it and showcases it in different doses. There are particular absolutes we impose on others consciously and sub-consciously, leading to unnecessary self-doubt that could easily be avoided with a little more awareness of a reality that is beyond our own. 

What I am getting at with all this is that we need to be careful of the absolutes we use to measure things like success, wealth, intelligence or even happiness. We (rather, I) tend to be guarded around people with an all or nothing mentality towards others and elements around them. It is a rather binary approach to thinking that leaves no room for anything of value in-between. I do not want to offend anyone by saying it is a self-esteem issue that causes this, but perhaps it is because:

Why else would you question what someone else is content with based on your metric?

Why would you make them re-think their position of wealth, happiness or success if you see them happy and in good health, yet to you it does not seem ideal? 

What makes your measurement of the IDEAL, ideal? based on what? What you believe to be ideal, or what you do not believe to be ideal?

Either way, I choose not to live by anyone elses’ standards. I am a difficult person, I know (I have been told numerous times) and it frustrates many people around me (even those who were potential love interests that chose to let go), but perhaps we will talk about that in a different post entirely 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

When you police my ambition

Perhaps you fail to consider the possibility

That where you believe my vision ends

Is where it actually begins.

 

Just because it is outside your realm of possibility

Does not automatically mean that all you know, is all there is;

Ignorance ferments itself as you give opinion after opinion

With little consideration or value

For that which you do not know.

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

Art by: yuumei

 

 

 

A burning heart, encased, in a lonsdaleite of ice

Glacial paced, as I phase, through the threshold

Of each and every emotion.

 

Lingering, on each and every one,

Deliberate attempts to iron out the wrinkles

That undo years of my character terraforming;

 

I only have one vessel, learnt to love it

Learnt to make it more than habitable;

You’d best believe that I will not let anyone deter me

From making the most of it.

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

Art by:  yuumei

 

The other day someone told me that my writing is too dramatic/exaggerated. I’d like to believe in the realm of poetry there is no such thing as being “too dramatic” or taking things “too literally”. The day someone puts a gauge on expression, well, it’s no longer expression. I love poetry because at the end of the day I do not need to explain myself. Also, over the years it has helped me see who reads my poetry at surface value.

Indeed, when you read what I write, you take what you see; you can assume what you see as the definitive version. There is no problem with that, it just gets a little weird when a third party starts insisting on what you meant. In the realm of poetry, there is a power I believe other poets can understand. There is a way we see the world that no one else can; perhaps that pushes people the wrong way.

But do we care?

 

 

 

 

 

And then, In the next moment

I feel like I am not doing enough

Possessed by my inner idealist;

Frantically, dividing the parts that make me whole

Running a distribution of my many talents 

To cater for the spaces that need filling,

 

And then, in the next moment

It simply feels futile,

Living every day with burnout, for what?

A result of giving too much, no change,

Thinning patience, I am not a saviour;

It is not my job, 

I question the point of fighting 

For a people not willing to fight for themselves.

 

And then, In the next moment

I feel like I am not doing enough …

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

Art by: yuumei

 

I realise it is not my job to save the world, but whenever I think of the little I can do to bring some form of change; I am always driven to give more.

When I do help, I am never really expecting any form of compensation. Yes, recognition is nice, but it can only get you so far. In fact, I find myself being evasive of compliments these days; lingering on praise stifles my creativity significantly.

This loop brings about a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts; I usually, if not always become a hybrid of what I am fighting against. Perhaps in being even more aware of this, it can change.

 

 

The world happens to be

As dark or as colourful

As I choose to see it

A vast array of choice in pigments 

Scattered on the terrestrial palette.

 

My mother always told me to

“Love in place of anger”

An emotional overlay channelled from within

Words that echo when I think of giving in;

I stick to the established code,

For she saw in me what no one else ever did 

Until they eventually did; talent, that makes itself aware

At the centre of my journal — is where I keep my heart;

Where I keep my identity;

If I ever feel like I have failed.

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

That’s a picture of me and my mother in 1992, Alabama. A real trooper she is, always supportive and perhaps the only person on this earth I would go out of my way to make happy with no consideration for my well-being.

 

 

 

 

 

Reason(s) 1-5

 

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Idle in our unearthing of the devilish

Adamant in our attempts to roleplay a seamster,

Or seamstress, of grudges; sewing together life patterns

That coincide with our less than stellar moments

All to justify the evil we are yet to unveil.

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

Art by:  GUWEIZ

 

Sometimes there are no patterns. Sometimes we are looking for excuses to stay bitter/angry. It sure helps when you want to sate your conscience.

 

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In the last Reason(s) post I asked my readers what their reasons were for being happy; here are the responses:

 

Megha’s World 

 “A smile on my loved ones”

 

*

 

Antonynah 

 “Knowing that I’m surrounded by people that actually care 😊😊”

 

*

 

rugby843  

“My sons 51st birthday today❤”

 

*

 

InfiniteZip  

“getting emails from friends after a long week of work and exercise ❤ and losing almost 7 lbs ❤”

 

*

 

Seeing those responses was certainly heartwarming and I hope we get to hear more.

During the weekend I helped one of the kids in my neighbourhood walk past a vicious dog. It’s not like I saved the world or anything but seeing how happy she was certainly made me smile.

What are your reasons to smile today? Please share in the comment section 🙂Many others including myself would love to know.