Sigh.

landscape01_by_riikozor-d6btyjc.png

Close to heart,

Is where I keep those

I reach out to

When I end up

Falling down.

 

Far from me,

Is where I keep

Those who bring

Nothing

But misery.

 

I am already at war

With inner demons

I do not need, nor am I

Sadistic enough

To fight a war

On two fronts

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

Art by: riikozor

 

Warning: This will be long #Rant

I am generally at peace with everyone around me. In fact, most of the time I keep to myself, not because I think I’m cool or edgy but I am conscious of my own energy. If I don’t feel like talking, I won’t; because I feel like I’m not giving the person as much attention as they deserve e.t.c

At the same time, I am very aware of the energy projected in my direction. I embrace positivity and do my best to relay it back, to keep that good energy flowing. I am not necessarily the most positive person, but I do not burn people to the ground just because I am having a bad day. Thus the whole keeping to myself thing when I’m not feeling anything.

The problem I have is one right now. There’s a person in my life who causes me nothing but grief. Let’s call them A (not from PLL lol). See, the thing about A is that we’re related, so the solution of “cutting” them off like I would anyone else toxic in my life, is not really an option. I usually know how to deal with toxic people because I invalidate their comments, nothing pleases them more than when you react according to their master plan or whatever. But the thing about family is, it goes nowhere, they are there even when you don’t think they are. Toxicity from a family member will, naturally, affect me because we grew up together.

When I think about A, all I see is selfishness, pettiness, baseless arrogance, obnoxiousness, self-righteousness and unfounded bitterness. A thinks going left is a good idea, therefore any other idea does not make sense; A thinks my confidence is arrogance, therefore it can only be arrogance; A thinks me answering their call a second too late means I don’t care enough about them; hence it must be true. I have confronted A on multiple occasions in the most diplomatic way possible; attempting to build a healthy relationship. They seem to understand in that moment but a few weeks later we are back to stage one. Example:

Me: “A, I don’t think lashing out is a good idea; it doesn’t help anyone”

A: “Well it helps me, because in the end I get all that anger out of my system and move on”

Me: “Alright, but what about the person you have lashed out to, how are they supposed to feel? I think its best to approach situations calmly, ’cause you need to remember that its just as easy for them to lash out at you and keep the cycle going”

A: *shrugs* “Fiiine, i’ll try and keep my temper in check”

A week later I was getting lashed at for taking too long to respond to one of the many beckons.

My words were falling on deaf ears, and just a few days ago I confronted A when they lashed at me for asking something of mine back (something of mine). A tried to use guilt manipulation:

“Who ever said I won’t give it back to you!? You can’t trust me with this small thing yet I always help you!”

Among other tactics to take me off balance but I told them to “grow up” and to stop keeping “Petty grudges” as justification for their actions; I had HAD enough of A thinking i’m quiet because I don’t have anything to say when in essence i’m trying to keep the peace. But I realized my silence enables that loose cannon behavior, and I wasn’t having it. A is not necessarily worth writing about, but as my readers I just thought you should know what has been bothering me as of late. I haven’t talked to them in a while, one of the many silent treatments A gives when in punishment mode. I just think its childish.

Those are my thoughts, the frustration I have been dealing with. Writing about it helps. 

 

29 Replies to “Sigh.”

  1. The poem is beautiful. The description of your personality I truly understand, as I too am very conscious and sensitive of the energies around me. I described it for the first time in my recent post ‘Who’s breath am I breathing?’ I would be honored if you check it out.
    As for dealing with family with this kind of energy, I guess the likes of A are not in the vicinity of knowing where you come from, with how you are relating to them. It has been difficult for me too but the best that sometimes work is to match the intensity of their emotion when responding back – meaning as loudly – I know does not feel the best, and the other option is absolute emotional distance so as to not get affected and not trying to change them. Being in our own world. I wish you ease and joy as you find your way.

    1. I checked out your post and left a comment. Everything you talked about was spot on, felt surreal, to be honest.

      I understand what you mean about matching their intensity, however, wouldn’t it be like me playing to their tune? Bear in mind that A is all about power motives. Then again, if I don’t say anything its seen as weakness and A goes on and on. So I think distancing myself in whatever capacity I can always helps; and if I happen to meet A wherever (family re-union e.t.c) then I keep contact to a minimum. That’s the only solution I have found right now.

      Thank you for taking the time to read, I realize everyone is busy dealing with their own lives; and for you to take the time to advise me in mine. I am honoured. Thank you.

      1. Minimum contact if possible is best I think.
        I totally hear you about matching the intensity, it is difficult for me too, what I am suggesting to you. Yet I think it is not you playing to their tune, just matching the frequency of a voice that can be heard. Just bringing out an emotion just enough to draw your boundary of what is acceptable to you and what is not. And then going back to being yourself. We need to use our power when needed so it is not at the hands of others.
        I am grateful if I could be helpful in any way. You are very welcome.

      2. I will probably consider matching the intensity when all else fails and i’m pushed into a corner. You are right, boundaries need to be set, and they need to be made clear so people get to know where you stand.

        Peace and love my friend, may your days be filled with countless blessings 🙂

      1. Please accept my heartfelt condolences, just know that as your friend I am here for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me ❤

  2. This person sounds like a narcissist that’ll never change. Is your sanity and wellbeing worth keeping this person around? I know you said you can’t “get away” because A is family, but could you create and maintain a mental and spiritual barrier to protect your energy? Or are you ok with the back and forth, silent treatments, lashings and grief?

    1. So here’s the thing that makes it a little complicated, we are in a foreign land and A is the only family I have here. It’s not like I NEED them or anything but I feel it would be wrong to cast off the only family member I have in a place where we’re considered strangers. What usually helps is that I work far away from A, so I never get to meet A unless I absolutely have to, and that distance acts as a major buffer to their toxicity.

      Perhaps a kind heart or even being honour bound to family makes me tolerate A. Not entirely sure which one it is, but I would like to think its because I’m hoping they can eventually open their eyes (because in truth A is very capable of being nice sometimes, far beyond my expectations) but then a major relapse takes all that good energy away. I don’t give people many chances but I make family an exception. I have found ignoring to be a good tool, but still, it irks me to think A believes im silent because im afraid or subservient. Its a weird situation.

      Thank you Kelley, I appreciate you taking the time to read.

  3. powerful poetry, writing does help with dealing with life’s frustrations…it can be difficult to deal with such demanding and exhaustive personalities…for myself I usually just get quiet and distance myself until the person calms down but I know it isn’t always easy haha so good luck my friend. Keep penning and let that energy flow out on the page to bring you peace.

    1. Thanks Neha, I’m thinking of doing just that. I’ve done my part in trying to resolve matters but I can not be held accountable for the problem persisting 🙂 . So in turn, I will distance myself and do my own thing, it is the only way. Thank you for taking the time to give sound advice my friend 🙂

  4. the poem is wonderful and also very wise. As for the relative who is the source of your “rant”. Well I could suggest a few things but I don’t think they are legal. just kidding!!

    1. Hahahaha a lil “nudge’ off a cliff eh?EHH?

      I think i’ll distance myself as I always have, speaking when spoken to; its best for everyone :). Thanks Anne ❤

  5. people will not change until they’re ready to face up and do a deep soul dive to root out the pain causing, I like to think being open and loving can solve so much, but sometimes that can be used against a person too. You know where to find me if you want to email me, work slows down next week, I can live again vicariously through WP and email with friends. Also need to work on our collaboration 🙂 kind of like the quote SH#T happens, in my case, work happens….but slow days ahead, yay 🙂

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