Sigh.

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Close to heart,

Is where I keep those

I reach out to

When I end up

Falling down.

 

Far from me,

Is where I keep

Those who bring

Nothing

But misery.

 

I am already at war

With inner demons

I do not need, nor am I

Sadistic enough

To fight a war

On two fronts

 

– O.D. ©2018

 

Art by: riikozor

 

Warning: This will be long #Rant

I am generally at peace with everyone around me. In fact, most of the time I keep to myself, not because I think I’m cool or edgy but I am conscious of my own energy. If I don’t feel like talking, I won’t; because I feel like I’m not giving the person as much attention as they deserve e.t.c

At the same time, I am very aware of the energy projected in my direction. I embrace positivity and do my best to relay it back, to keep that good energy flowing. I am not necessarily the most positive person, but I do not burn people to the ground just because I am having a bad day. Thus the whole keeping to myself thing when I’m not feeling anything.

The problem I have is one right now. There’s a person in my life who causes me nothing but grief. Let’s call them A (not from PLL lol). See, the thing about A is that we’re related, so the solution of “cutting” them off like I would anyone else toxic in my life, is not really an option. I usually know how to deal with toxic people because I invalidate their comments, nothing pleases them more than when you react according to their master plan or whatever. But the thing about family is, it goes nowhere, they are there even when you don’t think they are. Toxicity from a family member will, naturally, affect me because we grew up together.

When I think about A, all I see is selfishness, pettiness, baseless arrogance, obnoxiousness, self-righteousness and unfounded bitterness. A thinks going left is a good idea, therefore any other idea does not make sense; A thinks my confidence is arrogance, therefore it can only be arrogance; A thinks me answering their call a second too late means I don’t care enough about them; hence it must be true. I have confronted A on multiple occasions in the most diplomatic way possible; attempting to build a healthy relationship. They seem to understand in that moment but a few weeks later we are back to stage one. Example:

Me: “A, I don’t think lashing out is a good idea; it doesn’t help anyone”

A: “Well it helps me, because in the end I get all that anger out of my system and move on”

Me: “Alright, but what about the person you have lashed out to, how are they supposed to feel? I think its best to approach situations calmly, ’cause you need to remember that its just as easy for them to lash out at you and keep the cycle going”

A: *shrugs* “Fiiine, i’ll try and keep my temper in check”

A week later I was getting lashed at for taking too long to respond to one of the many beckons.

My words were falling on deaf ears, and just a few days ago I confronted A when they lashed at me for asking something of mine back (something of mine). A tried to use guilt manipulation:

“Who ever said I won’t give it back to you!? You can’t trust me with this small thing yet I always help you!”

Among other tactics to take me off balance but I told them to “grow up” and to stop keeping “Petty grudges” as justification for their actions; I had HAD enough of A thinking i’m quiet because I don’t have anything to say when in essence i’m trying to keep the peace. But I realized my silence enables that loose cannon behavior, and I wasn’t having it. A is not necessarily worth writing about, but as my readers I just thought you should know what has been bothering me as of late. I haven’t talked to them in a while, one of the many silent treatments A gives when in punishment mode. I just think its childish.

Those are my thoughts, the frustration I have been dealing with. Writing about it helps.